Here’s an email I got from Sally back in September:
“There is one question I have for you – how do you handle family member(s) and a partner who have ways to destroy your confidence levels? Growing up, I was an over-weight girl and my Mom and sister put me down a lot, but I was not afraid to have fun & express myself and had lots of friends. Nowadays, I’m in much better shape, but I keep to myself – I don’t do anything but go to work & school (no time and no REAL friends to be with) and it seems my partner, my sister & mom still have a way to bring me down. How can I overcome this?”
– Sally in Boston
Anything to do with family is a really tough one, because at the end of the day there’s only so far you can go. You can’t choose your family, so with that has to come a certain amount of acceptance. It sounds like you’ve had a tough time growing up and have had to put up with a lot of negativity. Good for you for seeing that this doesn’t have to define you and that you can have something better for yourself – I can’t emphasise enough how important that is.
You know, if you’re told enough times that you’re not good enough you might start to believe it one day. What I can tell you without doubt is that you are better and more resourceful than you know. What your partner, Mom and sister say and do is just plain wrong.
Do they know how much their behaviour is affecting you? It’s possible that because they don’t know how you’re feeling that they assume their behaviour is okay. If it’s damaging your sense of self their behaviour is not okay.
Your responses to others’ behaviour teaches them what is and isn’t acceptable. If these people have learned previously that it’s acceptable to do what they’re doing, then it’s time for you to let them know that it isn’t what you expect anymore, and that you deserve to be treated with respect.
It may be that you’ve gone down that road and things are still the same. In that case it really turns into two questions – “How else can I turn this around?” and “What am I prepared to do to turn things around?”
It starts with you, and perhaps the biggest question you need to answer is “What are the reasons I’ve chosen a partner who puts me down and why do I tolerate how my Mom and sister treat me?”
Sally sent me an update recently:
“Thank you for thinking of me. I think there are a lot of people who can relate to me & my situation. I can honesty say I am not the same person who wrote you a few months ago. My energy level has increased, my confidence levels have increased. I know I have no control of other people & what they say and do but I can control how it affects me. I believe the way they treat others is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. No one deserves to be degraded by another. We are all flesh & blood. No one is more superior than another. Some people might be richer, skinnier or more beautiful but it doesn’t make them a better person. Some people might have nothing…..(material)…and still have everything.
You might feel like someone has control of your life but as soon as you realize that when you look in that mirror & it’s only you…it’s your life…..you can make the first step in taking control of your life. Only you can make it happen.”
Nicely done Sally.
Don’t put up with being put down or made to feel small.
You deserve better.
- Other articles you might like:
- How to Deal with People Who Put You Down
- My Christmas Could be a Car Wreck
- How to Not Be a Doormat
February 22nd, 2009 at 6:55 pm
I live with my boyfriend, we have been together for almost 5 years, we have a 3yr old son together, and I have 3 other kids from a previous marriage, he constantly puts me down, I don’t clean well enough, my thought process is not right, I make every wrong decision possible, I don’t want enough sex. You get the point, basically I do it all wrong. Is this a relationship that will change or am I in a endless battle?
February 23rd, 2009 at 1:45 pm
@Heidi: Let me turn that question round on you – can you see a way for this relationship to change or do you think you’ll be in an endless battle? It boils down to 2 things – 1. What kind of experience do you want to have with your boyfriend and family? and 2. What are you willing to do – and how far are you willing to go – to make that happen? You gotta look at what you need in this relationship, and if you can’t see a way to get those needs filled you need to make the hard choice.
Anyone else got words of advice for Heidi?
March 14th, 2010 at 10:15 pm
I would drop the boyfriend and give a piece of my mind to my mom and sis if they ever acted nasty.The more you encourage such behavior the more it gets worse-Sometimes these folks are insecure within themselves and show it out on others-But the moment you stand up for yourself,All the crap stops.
March 16th, 2010 at 11:34 am
@Dee: That’s often the case Dee, simply interrupting the patterns is enough to demonstrate what’s been happening and that you’re not willing to put up with the crap anymore. With family it can be incredibly tough to do that, especially when the patterns have been in place for years and years. But you’re right, at some point something’s gotta give, and it starts with you.
July 27th, 2010 at 6:33 pm
I have similar problems. I love my mom and sister dearly, but from time to time they do put me down. Even my dad (although he’s not so bad) has done it on the occassion. Some people have picked up on it and said it is very mean and unfair. I tried to reason with them, but they appear to think it is justified. I can’t justify it as I was bullied for years at school and wondered my confidence had hit an all time low again, I realised it was because of the constant put downs which aren’t necessary. It does make one wonder why they do it and if they love you, shouldn’t they stop hurting you like this?
I haven’t been an angel, but I’ve never been into drugs or anything like that, however I still get the put downs and it is starting to make me wonder whether I ought to move away and start afresh again!
July 29th, 2010 at 3:44 pm
@Angelina: Sorry to hear about the way you’re being treated. It seems all the more painful because these are the people who are supposed to be treating you the best, but it’s often the people right in front of us who we get the worst treatment from. I’m afraid that it isn’t terribly useful to ask “why”, the fact is that they’re doing it and you’re on the receiving end. The real question is “how” and “what” – how do you want to be treated and what can you do to change things?
You don’t have to move away (unless it really is costing you dearly and you’ve tried everything) but do you do need to put your own needs and priorities first. You deserve to be treated better. Check out another article I wrote on the subject here – http://theconfidenceguyonline.com/2010/06/not-be-a-doormat/, and be sure to look at Staying Up When You’re Put Down – a detailed approach for addressing the exact situation you’re in and turning it around. Let me know how things go, promise?