Here’s an email I received towards the end of last year…

“I believe that I am experiencing low self-esteem. I am 29 years old and seemingly made some small accomplishments in my life, however I still have some hangups. I’m trying to find it within myself to feel better and change my thought process because I know that if I can change my thinking, I can change my life. I just need some help with the process.

I noticed in one of your articles you speak of getting out of your comfort zone. I have recently published a book of poetry and I think that I am going to get up and read at the open-mike this Saturday. Just so that I can do something that I have never done and that I am afraid to do. I believe a lot of my lowered self-esteem is due to things in my life that I haven’t followed through with or accomplished. I still have 2 classes to complete in college and I’m 30 next year. I recently got married to my college sweetheart of seven years. He has graduated, established a company and doing other things. I’m wondering if somehow maybe I feel like I don’t measure up to him. Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.“

Ebony

Congratulations on three things – 1. The publication of your poetry book, 2. Your marriage to your college sweetheart, and 3. Your awareness of what’s working and not working.

I get the impression of a good and rich life, but as you’ve seen a lack of self esteem or confidence can leak out into all areas of your life, and it seems that it’s colouring your view of things somewhat.

You’re talking yourself down a lot here. You’re down on yourself about not finishing college. You’re down on yourself about whether you’re good enough for your husband.

Look at the facts. You have a book published and have got married to someone who loves you for everything you are. That proves that you’re a real, whole, unique and worthwhile individual, and you haven’t even scraped the ceiling of what you’re capable of.

Increasing your confidence means that you need to be aware of what you’re doing that stops you from feeling confident, so write down exactly what you say to yourself to talk yourself down, talk you out of doing something or that makes you feel less than. If you were to train someone else to think like you, what step by step process would they have to go through to think and behave in the same way? What thought process would they have to go through in order for them to experience the same kind of low confidence as you? Write this process down, and you’ll see exactly what you’re doing that results in your lack of confidence and belief.

With an awareness of what holds you back comes choices about what to do next.

A couple of weeks later I heard from Ebony again…

“Thank you so much for the advice! That exercise about what path I would tell someone to follow to establish the same low self- esteem that I have was interesting. When I began to write them down, I couldn’t believe the things that I would be telling others to do. I am an Employment Specialist and these are exactly the opposite of what I tell my participants when they are looking for work. You know, I’ve also found that it seems easier for me to see the good in others than it is in myself. By the way I did read and I was frightened out of my mind. But, I didn’t die! So I guess I’ll live to do it again!“