As hard as #4 is, sometimes, it’s your only remaining course of action. I personally have had to do this twice in my life and as much as it sucks, that kind of negativity, whether they mean harm or not, is not tolerable.

In the end, your choice here will determine how serious you are about maintaining a positive attitude in life.

@Infinity: It does suck but, as you say, there are times when you simply have to do it. The tough bit is drawing together the courage to do it…

I am a widow and I dont know what happened but suddenly everyone shouts at me and even my siblings tell me very painful things. I am willing and determined to change.

@Martha: Martha, it’s impossible for me to comment specifically as I don’t know what’s happening within your family. Your willingness to change is admirable – but what’s the reason for the change? Is it because your family are shouting at you or because you want to change? You don’t have to tolerate being treated badly and it’s your right to explain that and expect something better. I get the feeling that there’s something else going on here, and you need to look at whether these people have a constructive point to make and how you want to move forwards. Let me know what happens.

Hi,I am a 19 year old mom and my boyfriend is 21.he always finds a way to put me down just for the fact that I haven’t gotten my high school diploma,dont have a good paying job.he bought a house and always tells me if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be anything with out him.he says really painful things about me in front of everybody he even says I look like a crack head(I’m not).but it has lowered my self esteem a lot.what can I do so he would not put me down so much.I tried talking never worked

@Elizabeth: Hun, you gotta do *something*. Keeping things going as they are is not an option – the price you pay will be way too high. You need to find a way to communicate to him clearly that when he says x you feel y. It’s not about blaming him or finger pointing, it’s simply making clear the connection between his action and your reaction.

And that’s the bigger area – your reaction. Is there a way for you to react differently, or to interpret things differently? Are you perceiving his behaviour in a way that reinforces a belief or story you’re telling yourself about yourself?

The bottom line is that you can’t allow someone else to damage you just because it’s easier – you gotta make choices that serve you well. I’m soon to release a new e-book on how to turn this very situation around so stay tuned for that, but in the meantime let me know how you’re doing.

#4. I’ve done that hundreds of times, it works.

@Juhn: Sometimes it’s the only move left to you, right? How are you doing now?

[...] there’s someone in your life who puts you down or makes you feel small, you owe it to yourself to let them know that you expect something [...]

So how do you teach people how to treat you? My stepson’s girlfriend occasionally blurts out a put-down to me. I don’t know why she feels the need to do it. Most recently, my husband said something about my blogging and she said, “What do you blog about? You don’t DO anything!” because I am a housewife right now. I didn’t know what to say, but I feel like I’m setting myself up for future put-downs and bullying by not saying anything.

@Lainey: Is it possible that this comment was simply a throw-away, flippant comment that wasn’t intended to hurt? Part of this is about reframing how you see this and looking at the story you’re telling yourself. The other part is about finding ways to speak simply and assertively about what you need to happen. This is all described in step-by-step detail in “Staying Up When You’re Put Down” – drop me a line and I’ll send you a free copy.

[...] there’s someone in your life who puts you down or makes you feel small, you owe it to yourself to let them know that you expect something [...]

I have lost my self confidence.My close friends just hate me, insult me and dont take me seriously. Its like they have made a fixed impression about me which doesnt seem to change no matter how much I try. It really hurts as they are only close to me. Sometimes I just dont know how to react. Please help.

@Sameet: Sounds like you’re in a horrible place right now, gah. To be frank, there’s nothing I can write here that will make it all better, I’m sure you know that. What I will say is that it sounds like you could try 2 things. 1. Stop beating yourself up because of how you think your friends think of you. It’s not helping and I’m willing to bet that you’re much harder on yourself than your friends are. 2. Stop trying to please them or change their minds. That’s not your job. Start with doing things for yourself and getting back a sense of who you are and what matters to you. Begin there, then the rest will follow.

@Steve: I think that’s great advice. I especially like what you said in point 2 (in comment 14). Also, thanks again for sending me your ebook! I will be reading it soon.

@Sameet: I feel the same way around my husband’s family, so I can sympathize. Can you try making some new friends? That’s what I did when I felt disconnected from my old friends because they’re very religious and I’m really, really not. I still kept the old ones, but it was nice to have some new ones I felt I could be more myself around. PS–I did it by joining a friend-making group on Facebook. You could see if there’s one for where you live? Or start one, maybe.

@Steve and @lainey: Well, thanks for your advice really! Can you tell me how to be cool in situations. I tend to overreact even in small issues and suffer from stress a lot. I just cannot deal with people who try to put me down. How do I improve my communication skills?? I am a serious sort of a guy who is not capable of sweet talking and not that funny and I think this may be the reason for my friends not taking me seriously and misunderstanding me. What would u suggest?

my would be mother in law has a habit of insulting me and my parents in front of other family members… earlier i used to feel it was not a deliberate act.. bt now m thinking otherwise… she always has to say something over our financial status… her husband is a successful n rich man… my father is not as rich… i hate it when she insults my parents…

@Valentina: Not nice. Deliberate or not, her behaviour is all about her – a way of validating herself by raising herself in the pecking order. It’s no reflection on you or your parents, far from it. As a potential in-law it’s a tricky relationship, but I’d suggest talking with your partner about her if you haven’t already and making it clear that you’re finding it hard to take. I’d also suggest that it’s his job to manage his mother, not yours.

I’ve had to do #4 twice in the last year, and while it wasn’t an easy thing to do it has certainly kept things in perspective. The older I get the less tolerant I am of bad behavior and general disrepct, especially when it comes from people claiming to be my friend. Life is too short to stay in toxic relationships. Life should be about being happy and having healthy relationships with people who really matter. Those who go out of their way to hurt me will quickly realise that they have no power over me. Put your tool box away folks, because you aren’t getting in my head today or ever in this lifetime!

@Megan: You go Megan! It’s hard to leave people behind but sometimes you have to do it for your own wellbeing and your own future. Can you imagine letting yourself stay in a toxic relationship and where you’d end up?

You have some really effective tips here!
Wish I had read this some years ago, haha.
.-= Check out Myron´s last blog…Self confidence in career and business =-.

I have had a “friend” who put me down and when I tried to talk it over openly it didn’ t help. So, the only way to resolve this problem is to stop communicating with this kind of people for good that what I have done and now I feel happy.

@Fortuna: Yep, sometimes the only way is to break communication (sometimes short-term, sometimes long-term). It can be a wrench and it can be painful, but sometimes you gotta make tough choices that serve you well. Hope all’s good now.

I totally agree with trying to stay positive, but I’ve had to tolerate this kind of behaviour from people all around me all my life and in some situations you can’t just walk away. For instance people I have worked with have tried their best to humiliate me in full view of everyone and I ignored it and ignored then got so fed up of it started throwing comments back. It was a horrendous time for me and most of my problems stemmed from an ex who spread lies to everyone to make me look bad, which carried over to my work place being such a small place. It can be difficult to maintain a positive attitude and not let things get to you when so many people can be intent on making your life a struggle. It seems they get some kind of pleasure out of it but I find them sad sad people.

Sounds like you’ve had it tough. Yes, when it’s family members who are putting you down then it becomes very complex and emotional to even think about walking away. With work, it’s much simpler.

Retaliating by throwing comments back will just give fuel to the resentment you feel about what’s happened. If there’s a way to establish your perspective once and for all then I’d work to make that happen, otherwise I have the sense you need to find a way to make peace with what’s happened and move on from this point, right now.

[...] there’s someone in your life who puts you down or makes you feel small, you owe it to yourself to let them know that you expect something [...]

heyy!! i am tired of my friends putting me down all the time, it seems as i am the most vulnerable target to them, it may be a simple joke, not intended to hurt, but it does some how end up hurting…this is not recent, i am 19 now and i remember this goin on like forever….i cant figure out y am i not assertive enough

I think you’re right – I doubt that they even know that what they’re doing is actually hurtful. To them it’s just a bit of joke and something they’ve been doing for ages. It gets a laugh and you’re an easy target.

But of course it does hurt, and what will hurt more is if it continues unchecked, right? Is there a best friend in your group who you can have a casual conversation with one on one? Just say, “You know what, I’d really like it if the put downs were given a rest now.”

It doesn’t have to be a big drama, it doesn’t have to rock your group, but you have the right to be treated with respect. You deserve better. Just start with that one, simple, casual conversation. Don’t accuse, just state what you’d like to happen simply.

There are a heap of strategies in my eBook “Staying Up When You’re Put Down” too – http://theconfidenceguyonline.com/stayingup/.

Let me know how it goes, will you?

Hi Steve,for the past 2 years i have noticed my friends saying harsh things about me.This is not the daily “just for laugh” kind of stuff,they conceal their real message/meaning of what they speak in hidden form.At first,i thought may be i was reading to much into it but since i started to notice what they are actually saying,i think they are putting me down everytime they get a chance.I avoid them for this simple fact,but they would call me up and say – “Can we meet???I am calling you up so that i can fix an appointment since your so hard to get.” Well,steve if they hate me and don’t like me,then why call me up in the 1st place and speak all that nonsense???? Hun!!!!!!!!.I avoid them but they call me up and put me down.

An old friend of mine is always incredibly difficult to get hold of. You can text, email or call and it can be weeks before he replies. We all joke about it, but it’s just the way it is.

So is it possible that they’re joking about the fact that it’s hard to get hold of you, not because they’re putting you down but just because they want to see you or talk with you and can’t? Is it possible that your being “hard to get” is part of what’s happening here.

This is actually an important piece of “Staying Up When You’re Put Down” (http://theconfidenceguyonline.com/stayingup-when-youre-put-down/) – you gotta look at how you’re perceiving things and the stories you’re telling yourself. It’s by opening up that stuff and being prepared to see things differently that you can shift things.

Of course, that’s not to say that it’s all your fault – if they are putting you down then you’re perfectly in your rights to ask them to treat you in a way that works better. Is this a conversation you could open up with someone?

Steve, good article. Like many others I have had to make the hard choice; however, I still have days where I keep questioning whether I made the right choice, and whether I am just too sensitive, so I wonder what you think.

In my case, my supposedly ‘best’ friend and former roommate of almost ten years since college would always cap on me any chance he could, ranging from what type of clothes I would buy, to girlfriends, to my physical traits, to my ethnic background. It was the put downs on my race that led to the most tension because it would come off as superiority. He is also a very competitive person, and would constantly mock various goals that I would say I wanted to accomplish. It was often almost as blatant as “you can’t do that.” I later realized how big of an alpha dog complex he has.

In our last contact, I had to finally blatantly outline the reasons why I could not hang out with him anymore. He tried to argue that he was shocked that I did not talk to him about the put downs before or the competitiveness before. He tried to accuse me of dealing with things by keeping them to myself. I argued back that I had made it known plenty of times what bothered me:

-the many arguments we had
-the many times I talked to him about how the bigotry I encountered elsewhere bothered me (I would think this would make him not want to put me down on this aspect, but that wasn’t the case)
-I had many times brought up how competitive he is
-plus there was at least one time where I had straight out said that I did not understand why he had to act like this with me, when I wasn’t making it my priority to be like that with him. His response at that time was “well you can do it to me and I won’t care.” When I would later get my jabs in, he would just comeback with something even cruder, or would get mad himself.

We have not talked in over a year. Do you think I made the right decision to cut ties with him? I know guys usually rib eachother, I would see it among our other crew of friends. The one thing that I have a hard time forgiving, is the fact that he would almost never act like this with our other friends, or any other roommates that we had. Just me. He can actually be very fun and makes friends easily, and has many acquantances, but they have never had to deal with his true nature like I have. They think he’s this fun outgoing guy, and have rarely had any arguments with him.

And with regard to forgiveness, I feel I had done that plenty of times before, whenever we had our big arguments. It is my belief that he just liked having me as a friend so I could be a punching bag, or someone he could try to use to feel better about himself.

I can’t say whether it was right or wrong – all I know is sometimes you gotta make a hard choice and that those choices can still occupy us long after we’ve made them.

Truth is, in these situations both parties have a role to play in how these relationships take shape and how the behaviours form. You’ve got to own your part in it, just as you point out his role. It’s not about blame, it’s about acknowledging openly and honestly the way things work.

I’m not sure how helpful it is to think of it as wrong or right – it’s just what happened and you gotta deal with it the best way you know how. You’ve got to look at what values are being stamped on in that relationship, and if that’s not something you can change you have to look at the cost of tolerating that behaviour. Then you have to make a decision that serves you well. It sounds to me like you’ve resolved a lot of this and made the choices you feel appropriate – you just gotta make it okay to have made that decision.

BTW, there are heaps of insights and practical strategies in Staying Up When You’re Put Down – http://theconfidenceguyonline.com/stayingup-when-youre-put-down/.

i am self confident 30 years woman but respect everyone too much my husband says to me you cares too much everyone but they dont deserve it and i know they dont do much care about me sometimes i know the things but i stay quite or dont do arguments with anyone because i dont want to spoil my relationship with them but they think i dont know anything like iam dumb woman of age from whom i am very uncomfortable she always put me down by saying oh so you know this or this thing is here from that time in your house when i came last time or sometimes just dont say hello nicely when we went there home

 I met a man … I was having computer problems…I  do not know a lot about computer’s..His job is with computer security…. He said he would fix my computer , I am really grateful …I called and asked a Question about the computer … he went off on me saying he could not believe I was that nieve and that all I needed to do was read what the computer says and make a   choice …..I tried not feel hurt by his statement .. He said I needed to use common  … It does take a few times to retain things when learning….   I felt really stupid…

I am constantly the butt of my 2 closest friends jokes.  I used to be able to brush it off but its been more constant and for some reason making me feel bad lately.  no fun.

Hi My older sisters constantly make fun of me for things that were in the past. I’m a very sensitive person so this really gets to me. It gets me to the point where I can’t stop crying, it’s really hard to get made fun of at school then to expect a good family when I get home and have my older sisters whom I look up to do that to me. They make me want to change who I am and what I do. As many of you no it’s a terrible feeling. I just can’t deal with it anymore. My sister has called me fat before I started to not eat lunch and sometimes breakfast. Sometimes I did not eat at all the whole day. After a week I realized how stupid that was so I ate smaller proportions and exercise. Now that I lost the weight they found a new thing to make fun of…what I say in my text messages. They won’t leave me alone and they make me feel worthless I really need help. They recently threatened to send a embarrassing video to all the people on my phone. I just can’t take it anymore!

It sucks huh? Question is, what are you going to do to change it before it makes you feel even worse?

Isabel, would you say that these put-downs feel like you’re being bullied? If so, it’s a situation that you can’t allow to continue – the cost is just way too high.

Your sisters need to have the expectation that they can treat you this way reset, and the only person who can do that is you. That’s the hard bit, right? Knowing what to say to fix it, when to say it, whether it’ll make it worse, etc, etc. You can keep second-guessing all of those questions forever, but it won’t change a thing.

2 things.

1. Let them know that you no longer expect to be the butt of their jokes. Let them know that you expect them to grow up and support you, not tear you down.

2. See how you can make it easier on yourself by seeing at as their problem, not yours. They’re motivated to act this way, and you just happen to be around as a target. How can you see this differently so that it doesn’t diminish who you are?

Keep in touch and let me know what I can do. Anyone else with a thought for Isabel?

My boyfriend likes to jokingly insult me on a daily and I like to playful poke sometimes but he constantly brings me down and I know he’s playing but like you said I’m starting to believe I am what he calls me. He doesn’t say a whole lot of nice things so the bad out weighs the good..I am trying to talk to him but I don’t think I’m getting through.

Seems to me that it’s reached a point where you need to let him know in no uncertain terms that you expect to be treated differently, and that while you’re up for a little playful banter his put-down behaviour is unacceptable.

As you suggest, he probably doesn’t know that this is starting to hurt you, and ironically it’s often the people closest to us who get the worst of us.

Don’t sell yourself short – don’t try to talk with him, simply state that you are getting hurt by his comments and that you expect to be treated differently from now on.

Let me know what happens.

Thank you for this.

hi, my husbands family ie. the aunts hv started spreading rumuors tht food was not being cooked inn my house until recently when my bro in law got married. plz advice as to wat action i shuld take to put a stop to ths

Hi, my family is always finding shameful things about me and they never say anything nice. Things that they find shame with me is that I am too thin, I study too much, I don’t wear makeup or dress up ( which I do on the right occasions), I’m shy,I ‘m too weak, etc. They call me names like nun, or old lady. These comments hurt but they act as if they did nothing wrong. Thanks for the help.

hi im 22 year old. im struggling with my own sibling. they pretty much bring me down if the get the chance. it pretty much hurt. even as i do something that good or say my sibling would redirected to their own way. more every thing that come out of my mouth is a lie and excusess . i have enough of because of that i block almost love in my heart of falling in love and etcc. also they make me not go back to school, get a job, be myself, be independent and etcc. i hate my sibling!

I am 43 years old and spent a long time trying to please my mother, as she would always put me down, like your family.  No matter how hard I tried to please her, I couldn’t.  During family gatherings she would start on me and my siblings would chime in with her.  I am a very strong and confident person, but most of the time leave in tears.  When I would bring up the hurtful things, my mother would just say that she didn’t do the things I was saying.  After many years of trying, at about age 35, I chose to walk away and move on with my life.  Since walking away I have happiness and peace within my life.  Be yourself and if they can not accept you for who you are, then I feel you are left with no choice but to walk away for your own peace and happiness.  When I finally let go of feeling I had to please my family, I felt a huge burden lifted from my chest.  It matters not to me what they say about me to each other, they can hurt me no more.  My marriage actually suffered during the years I couldn’t let go of trying to please others.  I had to ask myself, would I have a friend who treated me this way?  The answer was no and if I wouldn’t allow a friend to treat me this way then why would I allow family?  I have made it clear to all my family that my door is open to anyone that can accept me for who I am and not bring the negative around me.  I have put the burden upon them, turned the tables, whatever you want to call it.  I did not close my door to them, only to their hurtful ways.  I hope this gives you something to think about and that maybe, just maybe it will help you.  Good luck!       

How can I do that if the person putting me down is my own parents and wife?
It seems like it’s never going to end, they think I need to go to a doctor just because I step up a little, I really get very angry at them and me for not achieve any result, I always try to do my best but it seems that everything I do is no good for them, I dont drink, don’t smoke, go to church, try my best at work, but since I got laid-off from jobs, my life been a nightmare ,,,please help
eduardosilva2007@hotmail.com

What if you’re younger than 15, and you live in a divorced family. The parent who ended up getting custody of you is bipolar, and always puts you down? (Makes you do something -clean, put something away, ect.- and always tells you you’re doing it wrong -even if it IS the right way, but it always has to be their way huh?- hits you, and says that you’re worthless. What do you do? 

(The other parent in the situation is not in the right conditions to take custody of the child.) Getting out is obviously not an option. How do you deal with it?

Why do people pick on me. They must sense my anxiety and think i’m an easy target. I am fragile and if you push me I can break. I can easily let people have a lasting affect on me. I never react instead I go home and sulk and feel depressed and occasionally get angry. It’s funny how a single person can destroy your joy.

Thanks for this food for thought.

There are a number of reasons a person might want to break you down. Perhaps the most common is that they perceive that you have something they want, but can’t have, so like a small child who sees another with a desirable toy they cannot have, they set out to break the toy – the ‘dog in a manger’ syndrome. Very often there is only one way to handle this – chose to let them go, remove yourself from their environs – or them from yours. It doen’t mean you have failed them in any way; they have failed themselves and that is not your responsibility. It does mean you have moved forward, away from them in life and you are no longer on their wavelength; you are on a higher frequency, so to speak.  

Amen! This is so real people…..I say nobody can take my happy away, then BAM!

my partner soon to be husband’s family keeps puting me down. they say hurtful things about how i live such as i live like a pig. whats worse is they are taking his ex girlfriends side in everything and i am left with just me and my partner to support ourselves while his mother and sister and ex get to together and have a big session on how bad of people we are and how we don’t look after our two children. I feel like i cannot walk away beacause they are family to my partner and it would be unfair for me to say we should have nothing to do with them. i have tried reasoning with them but it is no use they just continue to talk about me and my partner behind our backs it is making me very sad and i don’t know what else to do. PLEASE HELP!

[...] If there’s someone in your life who puts you down or makes you feel small, you owe it to yourself to let them know that you expect something [...]

A workmate made a made a flippant throw away statement to me about how my jobhunting was going and surely I must have had interviews by now . We were both told that funds have run out at work so we are both in the job market. I told her before that I don’t want to tell her which jobs I’m applying for and will tell her once I have a job because I don’t want to step on her toes. So when she made this flippant comment to me I was feeling quite insecure as I didn’t have any job offers at that stage. I answered her by saying that I didn’t have anything to tell her but she would be the first I will tell once I find out anything. I also said that if I didn’t find a job that I will be going to Uni next year. When someone else asked what I will be studying she reacted quite badly by saying quite nastily by saying “Don’t ask”  She then gave me the cold shoulder for days on end . I went to her one morning to apologise if I snapped at her and if I upset her. She said that I was very rude(I really don’t think I was) and that she only made a throw away comment.  I apologised again . Then she accepted my apology. But then she proceeded to say that she had to deal with a lot of bitchy women in her life. I started laughing and as I was walking away I asked her if she is now calling me a bitch?
Now I am angry and giving her the cold shoulder. She is extremely friendly and nice to me now.This is the first time we have ever had problems in the 5 years that we have been working together. Now I avoid her and only talk to her if I have to. She obviously doesn’t accept that she called me a bitch. I think she owes me an apology. What do you think and how should I handle it.
 
I found a job the next day in the same department  and she might also end uo in the same department so might still have to work together.

[...] there’s someone in your life who puts you down or makes you feel small, you owe it to yourself to let them know that you expect something [...]

Thank you for your advice.I now realize that if the things they said were wrong in the first place, you shouldn’t worry about it. Thanks again. 

My best friend was having a hard time at school. She always seen me with my head held high. She always wonder how I could do it,even when I new that most of my friends were slowly fading away. So she asked me how I did it. I showed her this website. She became wiser with her choice,when she had came into this proplem of people making fun of her. And now Im happy that she has became a wiser person. She now holds her head higher than ever. Thank you for making this. Its reallly good advice. 

I think that no. 4 may be the best piece of advice ever. I go to boarding school and I always find myself being put down for no reason. No matter what I say or do I am put down and they know I dislike this greatly. Sounds like as soon as anyone says anything to make me feel bad I should just leave the room immediatley. Much better idea than violence which would create more trouble….

i have been married for nearly 12 years, i have 2 young children, the youngest who is 7 is ill with a kidney problem, and my son who is 8 feels left out but is a angel, my husband on the other hand, is no help, constantly puts me down, never says anything nice to me, only wants to poke me with his dick, tells us we are all c***, and causes so much tension. what should i do, i feel all i do is wrong and even when i do, do something for him , i just know it will be wrong.

Wow, reading this and reading the comments below really shows me I’m not alone. I’m not the only one who sees the diminishing arguments over conversations I get with people. It really pisses me off when people try to diminish me in front of people just to show how better they are compared to me. I never know what to do. Even though I know what they’re doing is wrong I never go against. I could go against and make them look like idiots in front of those they are trying to impress with only one question: Do you have such low esteem that you have to do diminish me that much? But I don’t… because I have pitty for them. I say to myself: Deeper they are nice, lovely people. However, I’m done with this. I need to find a way to express how I feel. God people can be such ass holes.

i have been treated like a loser all the times.i dont know how to speak strict so that they treat me with respect. they just so full of themselves. i agree with u. ppl are dumb including me. they treat me as i`m invisible, lonely, loser, stupid. i do have temper but i can control it as along as they know how to behave. i do have things they did that i cant stand of bcoz they arent respect me. they do what they want, not consider me. sometimes they act accordingly. sometimes i laugh with them if d talk involves somethng me and fun but to talk to me about other things?no. i can feel they are not sincere with me eventhough we hav been friends or mybe just colleagues for 4 years now. i can feel they are fake to me. i`m not smooth talking person as they are, so that maybe one of the reason ppl cant be friendly with me…

i know how you feel because im going though it and ive tried everything here and its not working and i relly want to put all of it behind because the whole story sarted when i was trying to help him whith this girl and after that i got him together then she dumped him and he is being mean and sometimes i dont want to go to school eventhough i like him what shall i do?

i asked a girl out today and she said sure after the holidays . what does this mean . please help!!

I used to be really close with girl, but she’s always had a really mean streak. Now I’m not her ‘favourite’ anymore, the only time she ever talks to me is to try and make me look stupid in front of everyone and to make disparaging comments. When I talk back to her, she just rolls her eyes and tries to make it look like I’m being aggressive for no reason. I think it may be because she is obsessed with her ex-boyfriend and he doesn’t like her anymore and I had kissed him (before they went out). I don’t care about her at all, I honestly wish she would just leave me alone.

The more often you get harsh criticisms form other the harder it is to fight off the emotional pain because it gets to you more especially when your close to the person or just one of those vulnerable people.

i have been with my friends for a very long time, and stuff has happened in my life that has changed my personality.  Now when i talk I’m scared to what people are going to say, and if they are just going to call me retarded. I used to have confidence in myself but i don’t anymore.  My friends call me stupid or retarded all the time and usually i’ll shake it off but now the words have made me believe it’s true. What can i do to feel confident in myself again?

I should apologise for not replying to each of you personally, but since last summer I’ve been working hard on my new site and haven’t been replying to comments here on The Confidence Guy at all.  But reading the comments here I’ve been a little taken aback by the honesty and the emotion.  This is not an easy thing that you’re dealing with,  and I really get how stuck some of you are feeling.  So I appreciate the comments and honesty from each and every one of you.

So, what to do?

In “Staying Up When You’re Put Down”, I talk through the 3 main ways to go about changing this.

1. Reconnect with you.  Without sounding too fluffy, this is about getting back in touch with who you are at your core and what you have to offer.  Being on the receiving end of put-down behaviour can end up making you believe it, which is why I think it’s such a ghastly situation.  So you have to gently look for the things you have ten thousand feet down inside you; the things you’re best at, the way it feels when you’re at your best or at the top of your game, the things that truly matter to you.  Those things are your foundation; your steady ground.

2. Change how you look at what’s happening; or change your relationship to what’s happening.  The idea here is that often the person who’s giving the put-down behaviour often doesn’t know what they’re doing hurts, and often doesn’t intend to cause hurt.  So if the intention behind the behaviour if not to hurt, then the hurt is caused by the meaning attached to the behaviour.  Change to meaning you attach to the put-down behaviour and you change the experience of it.  Does that make sense?

3. Put effort into changing what’s happening directly.  This is about taking action to change things so that the behaviour you’re receiving changes.  Knowing how to tackle this is a tricky one, but it has to start with recognising that you do not have to put up with put-down behaviour and that it’s right to tell someone what kind of behaviour you expect.  Yes, the thought of taking action in this way is scary, but it’s important.

When working with people I’ve seen that both of these things are relevant and can see real shifts happen.  Real, lasting shifts that give you a better experience.

I know it might suck right now.  I get that it feels like you’re stuck or that anything you try will make things worse.

But I think you know that this isn’t how it should be.  I think you know that you can have a better experience of life.

I’ve offered you just a quick overview of the ways in which your situation can be improved (and there’s a lot more in ”Staying Up When You’re Put Down”), and I hope you connect with some or all of it.

You can totally do this and you have my very best wishes.  Let me know how you get on.

Steve

How should you react to being told you are a game player, conniving, unconfident, childish, cold, expectant & deserved to be treated badly? Is this more than being mean and being put down?

hey….am bit short heightd n coz of tht people constntly try to mke me put down..they keep on targeting me…cn u suggest me wt cn me do

Thank you for this article, it hits home for me.  

I reached my breaking point with someone who was constantly putting down almost everything I do and every choice I make.  At first I spent so much time defending practically everything I did/chose to do/or wanted to do. (Seriously, it was everything from me drinking the wrong kind of milk, to having the wrong career goals).Then, as suggested in this article I made it clear that his behaviour is NOT acceptable, but nothing changed.  Tonight I was sharing something that I was particularly excited about, and you guessed it, I was wrong (in his opinion) again.

He would only do this (I’m speaking in the past tense because I’m out of any other viable options so I’ve made the choice to get out) when alone with him – never in front of other people – which makes me think he actually knew it was wrong.I’ve done some incredible and meaningful things in my life time and made some excellent choices, and even if I didn’t haven’t the wonderful people in my life who believe in both themselves and me, I still don’t think I’d want to (or should!) tolerate people treading me poorly.

Great article .

The Friends Always Make Fun Of My Nose, Especially When There’s A Girl Around. I Always Just Laugh And Make It Seem Like I Dont Care But I Do. What Can I Do?

my partner consistantly puts the phone down on me, right in the middle of a conversation, choosing not to hear the full story before kicking off. the rejection is so painful…………….. on trying to call back and explain or reason, the phone call is rejected over and over.

I’m struggling to stop the pattern?

hi all my daughter has brought me for years . now her friend started . it all too much i have stop contact with her as i had no other choice ,she makes me feel really small.pretty sad tho .

Hi, I am kinda going through the same thing these days. My cousins and aunt are constantly putting me down, accusing me of spreading rumors and gossiping when in fact it was her son who was doing that behind her back. Her son being a conniving person is hidden from everyone’s eye cuz she made me the target for everything. I m the kind of person who gets upset really quickly and it’s been bothering me immensely so much so that i can’t   even concentrate on things i wanna do. I don’t wanna drop down to the same level as her and exploit her son cuz thats just not me. Eventhough, i know that everything that she was blaming me is someone else’s plan to put me and my family down. I m really upset and confused as to how to handle this situation. Please help.

Hi, I am kinda going through the same thing these days. My cousins and aunt are constantly putting me down, accusing me of spreading rumors and gossiping when in fact it was her son who was doing that behind her back. Her son being a conniving person is hidden from everyone’s eye cuz she made me the target for everything. I m the kind of person who gets upset really quickly and it’s been bothering me immensely so much so that i can’t   even concentrate on things i wanna do. I don’t wanna drop down to the same level as her and exploit her son cuz thats just not me. Eventhough, i know that everything that she was blaming me is someone else’s plan to put me and my family down. I m really upset and confused as to how to handle this situation. Please help.

Say to them “Big nose, big hose!” (means the same as “big feet, big meat). Then look at one of your friends who has a small nose, drop your eyes below his belt, and smirk.

Life is too short for demeaning losers who are basically just trying to dominate you. The BEST way to handle these neurotic types is to break off all contact with them. When they are sitting around one day wondering why they don’t have any friends then they may actually make a change in themselves.  If they don’t change its not a big deal because they are not part of you life anyway. I had people walk over me so many times because I tried to be nice to these type of people and it never got me anywhere. I lost money and valuable time while they made me their slave.

 Stop being his slave! You are better than that so acknowledge you value and stop being afraid to make a decisive change for the better. Move on and find better friends instead of being a victim.

 What a self-important jerk she is. Why do you really care? Your stepson’s girlfriend is a classic manipulator and is actually afraid of you. She is frightened and intimidated by you like a coward. I would never take that kind of talk from anyone. By the way you DO do something  you are taking care of business around the home which is an important job. Don’t believe me stop doing it and see what happens. If you want to blog, write a book, or start a home business that’s up to you not her. Just because you don’t meet her twisted requirements of what makes a valued member of society does not make you any less important than anyone else.

i have had a friend for 18 years just recently i started running i lost 15lbs and started to feel good about myself then i broke my foot badly. my friend and i use to go for a few beers every 2 weeks but since my foot was to swollen to cast i couldn’t go a couple of weeks passed i was on cruches i  phoned and offered to pick him up DUI laws are strict in B.C. and his wife would pick him up so no one would drive and we could have beers at my place. now driving to his place with my left foot,stopping to get snacks and beer on crutches just to be a good friend after a couple of beers he proceeds to tell me how fat i am i did not lose it but just changed the topic but i haven’t talked to him since and have no interest it feels like being kicked when your down am i wrong?

 Get out! now! I am a child of exactly the same kind of marriage. Exactly. My dad is 60 now, mom 55, and am 25. He stills makes her look like a fool in front of everyone. Puts her down because she is not educated. After 27 years of this verbal and emotional abuse, my mom has zero confidence to stand upto anyone even outside the marriage. I am putting up with this shit for a year ( since I moved back home after last year at 24) but am secretly marshalling resources to move out. Forever. Start my own business. Work hard at it and stay the fuck away from my father’s emotional abuse.

My mom says at times, (when she is not trying to lie to herself and the society ) that she stayed in this marriage only for the sake of me. I would rather that she divorced the shit away when I wasnt even born.

Do you want to feel this way after 25 years? Decide. I am like the future version of your kid and am telling whats going to happen.

Get out when you can, sweetheart.