Comments on: How to Deal with People Who Put You Down

By: sweety

sweety — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 11:08:00 +0000

hey….am bit short heightd n coz of tht people constntly try to mke me put down..they keep on targeting me…cn u suggest me wt cn me do

By: Amanda

Amanda — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 17:01:00 +0000

How should you react to being told you are a game player, conniving, unconfident, childish, cold, expectant & deserved to be treated badly? Is this more than being mean and being put down?

By: Steve Errey - Confidence Guy

Steve Errey - Confidence Guy — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 15:23:00 +0000

I should apologise for not replying to each of you personally, but since last summer I’ve been working hard on my new site and haven’t been replying to comments here on The Confidence Guy at all. But reading the comments here I’ve been a little taken aback by the honesty and the emotion. This is not an easy thing that you’re dealing with, and I really get how stuck some of you are feeling. So I appreciate the comments and honesty from each and every one of you.

So, what to do?

In “Staying Up When You’re Put Down”, I talk through the 3 main ways to go about changing this.

1. Reconnect with you. Without sounding too fluffy, this is about getting back in touch with who you are at your core and what you have to offer. Being on the receiving end of put-down behaviour can end up making you believe it, which is why I think it’s such a ghastly situation. So you have to gently look for the things you have ten thousand feet down inside you; the things you’re best at, the way it feels when you’re at your best or at the top of your game, the things that truly matter to you. Those things are your foundation; your steady ground.

2. Change how you look at what’s happening; or change your relationship to what’s happening. The idea here is that often the person who’s giving the put-down behaviour often doesn’t know what they’re doing hurts, and often doesn’t intend to cause hurt. So if the intention behind the behaviour if not to hurt, then the hurt is caused by the meaning attached to the behaviour. Change to meaning you attach to the put-down behaviour and you change the experience of it. Does that make sense?

3. Put effort into changing what’s happening directly. This is about taking action to change things so that the behaviour you’re receiving changes. Knowing how to tackle this is a tricky one, but it has to start with recognising that you do not have to put up with put-down behaviour and that it’s right to tell someone what kind of behaviour you expect. Yes, the thought of taking action in this way is scary, but it’s important.

When working with people I’ve seen that both of these things are relevant and can see real shifts happen. Real, lasting shifts that give you a better experience.

I know it might suck right now. I get that it feels like you’re stuck or that anything you try will make things worse.

But I think you know that this isn’t how it should be. I think you know that you can have a better experience of life.

I’ve offered you just a quick overview of the ways in which your situation can be improved (and there’s a lot more in ”Staying Up When You’re Put Down”), and I hope you connect with some or all of it.

You can totally do this and you have my very best wishes. Let me know how you get on.

Steve

By: Grace

Grace — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 06:58:00 +0000

i have been with my friends for a very long time, and stuff has happened in my life that has changed my personality. Now when i talk I’m scared to what people are going to say, and if they are just going to call me retarded. I used to have confidence in myself but i don’t anymore. My friends call me stupid or retarded all the time and usually i’ll shake it off but now the words have made me believe it’s true. What can i do to feel confident in myself again?

By: Caramel girl

Caramel girl — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 03:20:00 +0000

The more often you get harsh criticisms form other the harder it is to fight off the emotional pain because it gets to you more especially when your close to the person or just one of those vulnerable people.

By: Delilah

Delilah — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 20:10:00 +0000

I used to be really close with girl, but she’s always had a really mean streak. Now I’m not her ‘favourite’ anymore, the only time she ever talks to me is to try and make me look stupid in front of everyone and to make disparaging comments. When I talk back to her, she just rolls her eyes and tries to make it look like I’m being aggressive for no reason. I think it may be because she is obsessed with her ex-boyfriend and he doesn’t like her anymore and I had kissed him (before they went out). I don’t care about her at all, I honestly wish she would just leave me alone.

By: Chefeddie56

Chefeddie56 — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 11:16:00 +0000

i asked a girl out today and she said sure after the holidays . what does this mean . please help!!

By: miley

miley — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 20:50:00 +0000

i know how you feel because im going though it and ive tried everything here and its not working and i relly want to put all of it behind because the whole story sarted when i was trying to help him whith this girl and after that i got him together then she dumped him and he is being mean and sometimes i dont want to go to school eventhough i like him what shall i do?

By: Lili

Lili — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 02:45:00 +0000

i have been treated like a loser all the times.i dont know how to speak strict so that they treat me with respect. they just so full of themselves. i agree with u. ppl are dumb including me. they treat me as i`m invisible, lonely, loser, stupid. i do have temper but i can control it as along as they know how to behave. i do have things they did that i cant stand of bcoz they arent respect me. they do what they want, not consider me. sometimes they act accordingly. sometimes i laugh with them if d talk involves somethng me and fun but to talk to me about other things?no. i can feel they are not sincere with me eventhough we hav been friends or mybe just colleagues for 4 years now. i can feel they are fake to me. i`m not smooth talking person as they are, so that maybe one of the reason ppl cant be friendly with me…

By: ADAM

ADAM — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 17:43:00 +0000

Wow, reading this and reading the comments below really shows me I’m not alone. I’m not the only one who sees the diminishing arguments over conversations I get with people. It really pisses me off when people try to diminish me in front of people just to show how better they are compared to me. I never know what to do. Even though I know what they’re doing is wrong I never go against. I could go against and make them look like idiots in front of those they are trying to impress with only one question: Do you have such low esteem that you have to do diminish me that much? But I don’t… because I have pitty for them. I say to myself: Deeper they are nice, lovely people. However, I’m done with this. I need to find a way to express how I feel. God people can be such ass holes.