I’ll be honest with you, I haven’t slept around half as much as other guys my age.

I love to flirt, but I’ve never been one of those guys who’s gone to a bar, picked up a girl and taken her back to my place to make the beast with 2 backs.  Maybe my use of the phrase ‘beast with 2 backs‘ has something to do with that.

Truth is, I’m just not comfortable pursuing sex for the sake of having sex.  That’s just not who I am, but there are single guys out there who are sexually ubiquitous and predatorial.  Bed-hopping, skirt chasing, alpha-males.

I look at guys like that and while there’s a little part of me that wonders if they’re trying to avoid something or whether there’s any real depth, there’s another part that applauds their lasse-faire attitude and yet another that would secretly love to get that much action.

And here’s the double standard.

These guys are out there having fun and are regarded as ’studs’.  If a woman does the same thing, you can bet that the word ’slut’ will be used.

I’m sorry to say I’ve been guilty of this double-standard myself, but have recently changed my thinking on it.  For me the question is this – when you’re a confident, single woman who’s sexually active, at what point does your behaviour turn you into a ’slut’?

Penelope Trunk recently told her blog readers about a younger guy she was sleeping with, and looking at the comments the opinions vary between ‘incredible‘, ‘hear, hear‘, ‘intelligent and candid‘ to ‘selfish whore‘, ‘emotionally damaged‘ and ‘crazy‘.

I don’t know Penelope well enough to know her motivations, but I do know that she’s a smart cookie who has the right to have sex with whoever she wants.

And that’s the point here.  When a single guy with no relationship goes out and gets regular sex it’s accepted, respected, and even applauded(H&L).  When a woman in the same situation goes out and gets regular sex it attracts controversy and widely differing opinions.

While I think it’s perfectly okay for a confident woman to get slutty, that same woman doesn’t want to be a slut.  There’s a big difference.

Of course, the word ’slut’ is only applied to a woman by other people.  It’s a label intended to hurt that an individual attaches to a woman based on a perceived pattern of behaviour, and as that perception is based on their own values and experience it can’t fully appreciate the personal context.

That in itself renders the term somewhat moot, as it’s based purely on personal dogma, but for me the truth of the matter is this.

If a confident woman sleeps with a guy in order to validate herself (as a woman, as a success, as an equal player or even as ‘confident’) then she’s crossed a line.

Trading sex for validation clearly indicates that something’s up, and that’s where other people can make the slut-judgement.

Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a slut, but it does mean that she’s pursuing sex for all the wrong reasons and developing a link between sex and self-validation.  That’s not healthy, in anyone’s book.

For most people sex is just sex – but it’s easy to end up with a tangled knot of feelings and expectations around it.  If you think sex will validate you as a woman, think again.  If you think sex will lead to a deep relationship, think again.  If you think that having sex will get you the guy, think again.  If you think that sex will bring you love, think again.

True confidence is being clear and honest about your motivations and making your decisions, no matter how impulsive or seemingly crazy, from that place of self-awareness.

Know who you are and what you’re comfortable with, then live it.