this is indeed wonderful. it has impacted my life. p/s keep me posted. regards

Hi Steve!
I had been making some good changes in my life. But I recently had a setback, a revelation that something I held dear was not real after all and I have been devastated. Though I have been having difficulty with this mentally, my physical self is reverting to my “old” self. In the last week I’ve gained an enormous amount of weight. My physical self is reflecting what I looked like before this wonderful thing entered my life. I was fat, didn’t take very good care of myself, was angry all the time, etc. And I am like that now. I am afraid to go back but it’s happening. I want to move forward. How do I replace negative feelings with good ones? I want to be confident, I need to be confident now more than ever…

@Barbara: So sorry to hear that you’re suffering. I don’t know the details, but having spoken with you before I know you can move through this. It sucks now, yes, but that doesn’t take away from who you are and what you’ve learned. You compare “old” and “new” Barbara and are scared to go back – that sounds reasonable, and I know that moving forwards is where you need to be going. Picture yourself sitting down with “new” Barbara, the Barbara that’s wise, vibrant, healthy and generous of spirit. What would she say to you? What would she want you to understand? What would she want you to do?

How do you replace negative feelings with good ones? That’s a really tough question, but I get the sense you just want to bury them and get on with things. Sometimes the confident thing to do is to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling fully, and sometimes that’s the only way to let go. That doesn’t mean you have to follow the pattern of comfort eating you have, one thing doesn’t have to lead to the other, it simply means you’re radically honest with yourself.

Hi Steve,
My birthday is tomorrow and your wise and insightful and true advice is the greatest gift I could ever receive. I am going to take some time now and face it all and cry and write and let it wash over me. And then move on. You have truly made a difference in my life and for that I will be forever grateful. Thank you. You are incredible!

@Barbara: Happy Birthday hun! I’ll settle for “credible”, but thanks anyway *smile*. Take it easy on yourself – you’re allowed to take time to move on. Any other thoughts for Barbara out there?

Hey steve

Interesting points and another great read through.

I think that I’m most scared of people not liking me the way i really am. There are moments, like when i’m among my best friends, that i feel relaxed and safe enough to release the role-playing and just be me for once. But when i’m among the ‘normal friends’ (lack of a better word :p), like for instance my class at school, i tend to start to take on roles with the people i’m talking to. I know for instance that person A is a hippy-like person, so i adapt myself to the point that i share their point of view on life and sometimes i even start taking over their way of acting in some sense: like if the person is a calm and at ease person i’ll talk very relaxed and more chill like (but still my head’s racing like a madman). But then person A leaves and Person B, who has a more grim view of the world arrives on the scene, and i start agreeing with his/her way of thinking even if it sometimes contradicts with how i acted with the previous person. And when A and B are talking to me at the same time i just shut tight and become very silent. And then next to all these almost “fixed” roles i still have my on view on the world, my own way of thinking, my own way of living, but that just gets suppressed 95% of the time, just because i don’t want people hating me for just being me.

I’m also scared that, if i do manage to release this habit of falling into roles, that a lot of relationships will change. And i know it’s my own damned fault because i started those roles in the first place, and now i’m to scared to change back into the real me. I tried being just me when 1.5 years ago i changed schools. I thought: “hey, a new possibility and chance to finally be me, instead of acting in roles.”. And what did i do? I screwed up that chance and reverted back to my roles. I was just to scared that they wouldn’t like the real me and i still am after ‘knowing’ them for 1.5 years.
But if i somehow finally manage to get over that, my next fear is just my relationships with people changing. I’m just to afraid to take that step. I’m standing on the edge of the cliff ready to jump and overcome those fears, but I’m struggling with the final thoughts of fear, that last chance to stop it, and my brain is saying don’t but my hearth says jump. My fears are keeping me from taking (the probably safe) jump towards a better life, just because of the possibility of it going wrong. I just wish there was some way to finally push myself over the edge and take the jump.

Sorry for the long read-trough, but sometimes i just need to vent it all out and i’m happy there are people like you who are willing to help or provide comfort in times of despair.

greets from Belgium
Lorenzo

You know, we all do this to some extent. I think it’s just fine to adapt your behaviour to fit different situations. You wouldn’t go to church and proceed to dance like a madman and get drunk, just as you wouldn’t go to a busy bar and sit quietly in the corner reading the bible.

The point where it becomes a problem is when it limits your value and starts hurting your self-confidence. You become more confident in the roles you play than the person you are.

It’s such an important thing and a very key piece of my coaching method. You gain approval (to some degree) by playing a role that pleases someone else, but it’s a hollow approval as you know it’s not the whole picture, not the whole you.

Take baby steps. Find one place and one role that you feel really doesn’t fit right, and just do one thing differently. Say something that the real you wants to say instead of the want-to-please you wants to say. Open up a part of you that you’d normally keep closed. Ask a question you normally wouldn’t ask, but that the real Lorenzo is genuinely curious about.

It might not always go “right”, but isn’t it better to screw up occasionally than to go another year, 2 years or 5 years getting more and more frustrated with yourself and less and less confident?

I agree with the church-pub example but i think that’s mostly common-sense right? (ok there will probably be some exceptions to what i just typed but still )

I kinda feel happy in knowing that when i’m in those roles i’m pleasing people with agreeing with them, but in return i kind-off scar myself on the inside because it usually isn’t what i wanted to reply. I’ve had plenty of times when i wanted to say something but i just stayed silent knowing it might cause a stir or contradict with someone’s opinion about something.

I’ve been trying to do that of late (like a week or 2 ago), but it seems to be going at such a slow pace, but i’m guessing that’s normal to repair all the damage i did to my confidence?
At first it was pretty hard to break the barrier, and really had to push myself over that line, but i feel that it’s getting a tad bit smoother every time it break the barrier, although i still have enough times that i just keep quiet when i should speak up.

I completely agree with you that it’s better try and crawl back out before hitting the bottom of the pit. And indeed it hasn’t always gone right because i’ve gotten the feeling that i somehow hurt some people’s feelings by not agreeing with them. It feels like hurting them emotionally to me. But on the bright side i did have a few great moments because i spoke up a little more, i just hope i can keep it up.

bob;

Im a quiet person who often gets mistaken for someone with no confidence.

 I now use this to my advantage, let the bullies and show off’s expose their lack of knowledge or skill by gobbing off in loud ways or trying to intimidate with a loud voice and posturing…..

as the special boat service say;

“by guile not by strength”

the quiet man , grounded in his peace will venture further than a loud fool. 

gyday mate;

what youre doing is a good thing…you ar pacing and in so doing communicating in a way the other can relate to…

dont strees champ….its a good thing…but so is finding youre own voice.

Thanks for the reply bob

well lately things have started picking up and i’m starting to hold my ground with my own view of things instead of falling into roles. Although i still regularly notice me blending in with the people by acting more like them, but at least i know i’ll defend my ideas and mindset instead of submitting to someone else’s.

im scared of being denied or rejected. even in the most unimportant situations such as asking for a bite of somebodies food i get a little scared of the fact that my friend might not let me have food because if he didnt he would be a dick. i have a hard time letting go of things as well. if my friend didnt give me a bite of his food, i would go over how much of a dick this guy is in my head for much longer than i should. how do i change this part of me that has developed?

i think im confident, but the thing that makes me setback is that i dont know how to give a good comeback and stand up for myself, thats what i fear the most.