The Confidence Guy

What The Hell

Steve — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 17:30:42 +0000

Here’s a little video post that, besides offering a key strategy for building confidence and having more fun, could make you either smile or throw-up.

So what would you love to say “What the Hell” to? What have you just said “What the Hell” to, and what happened?

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Moving on from a Mentor or Friend

Steve — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 12:05:54 +0000

Just the other day I was part of a fascinating Twitter conversation about moving on from a mentor or friend, which has now been turned into a mentorship round-table by the lovely Holly Hoffman. What really intrigues me about this and what prompted me to write this post as part of the round-table , is how loss is integral to your life, how that loss is tightly woven with growth and how confidence is central to both.

Holly’s original tweet, which sparked my thoughts, went like this:

People Will Leave

First things first – you can’t keep connected to everyone forever – it’s an impossibility. I can’t count the number of colleagues, friends and friends of friends who are now in my past, despite what I might have thought at the time. Life always finds a way to move on, even if you don’t want it to. Connections with people have beginnings , middles and endings and the expectation that you can make every relationship persistent will end up driving you loopy. Some relationships atrophy naturally, it’s naive to think otherwise.

Some relationships last longer than others, for sure, and I’m a great believer that anything can be achieved through connections with other people, but the real value of your relationships is in each moment spent in that relationship, not in what might happen tomorrow or next year.

Having a mentor – whether in an official capacity or if it’s a friend, colleague or family member who has become something of a mentor to you – is an interesting relationship because an ending is implied. At some point that mentor will have taught you all they can. At some point you will have learned what you need to learn, and then either that relationship ends or it evolves into something else.

Over and above the natural atrophy of relationships are the times you make a conscious choice to leave a relationship behind you, and I think there are 2 big reasons to do that, whether they’re a mentor, a friend, an acquaintance or even a family member.

Being with them no longer serves you well, or worse, takes away from who you are.
The purpose of the relationship has run its course.

In the first scenario, you owe it to yourself to get out or be willing to pay an insanely high price for maintaining an unhealthy equilibrum. In the second scenario you need to be radically honest with yourself about where you are in the context of the relationship, and be ready to make a decision if appropriate. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationships ends completely (it might be appropriate to see how it can evolve with you) but it does mean the texture of the relationship you’ve had needs to change.

Have Confidence in Loss

Loss can feel crappy. That’s especially true if you’ve forged a relationship with someone that’s opened your eyes, the kind of relationship that shapes what you can do and how you do it. The kind of relationship that makes you purely grateful.

So saying “See ya” to that kind of relationship is hard, it’s scary and it’s sometimes painful. That’s why a lot of people don’t do it, because the fear of losing something important is too great.

People lack confidence in loss.

The belief is that you need to keep these things close to you, to gather the things that have made you who you are and keep them closeby, for fear of losing who you are and what those things mean to you. That’s a false belief, and it’s by holding onto those things that you start to place your self-esteem and self-confidence in the wrong places.

The more you keep the things you stand to lose close to you, the more they define your thinking and colour your experience. The act of holding on to those things becomes more important than what they once offered you, and that will surely hurt your self-confidence.

Your value and your confidence is not dependent on having those things close by – it’s dependent on using and even celebrating what they’ve taught you.

And besides the relationship itself, there are a heap of other things you stand to lose when you start out on a mentoring relationship. You might lose the comfort and routine’s you’re used to if you’re challenged to start doing something differently. You might lose a sense of balance or control that those routines and lifestyle have offered you. You might stand to lose an old belief or an old way of looking at things. Or you might stand to lose an out-dated sense of who you are. All of these losses can feel scary, and all can feel significant.

Significance, Resonance & Importance

As Holly’s original tweet demonstrates, you wouldn’t be human without a twinge of sadness or melancholy when leaving something / someone behind or letting go of a relationship, but it often has an odd ring of significance and resonance too. That’s the part you can almost taste; it’s thick and sweet like honey.

The significance, resonance and importance of leaving a key relationship behind you is down to the meaning attached to the act. It means you’ve grown. You’ve grown to the point where you need something bigger, where the old patterns no longer nourish you and where you feel like you need to play a bigger game.

That’s what I find strangely beautiful about it, because there’s a moment of nature that happens where a step change is reached in your life. A moment where you feel you’re bigger than you were, a moment where you need to experience the results of that growth in your everyday life, rather than just preparing yourself for it. I’m hesitant to use the cliched analogy of a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis, but, oh, would you look at that, I’ve just used it.

So that resonance is the important part, not the loss that might happen as a result. The butterfly doesn’t mourn the loss of the chrysalis that’s facilitated its transformation, it just starts using its wings.

Confidence Runs Through It

It probably won’t surprise you when I say how strongly I believe that confidence runs through all of this. It’s the bedrock that supports the river.

It takes self-confidence to decide you want or need a mentor without second-guessing yourself or believing it lessens you somehow if you can’t climb the mountain alone. It takes self-confidence to ask someone to mentor you without fearing rejection or fearing the success that might happen as a result of the mentoring. It takes self-confidence to really engage with a mentor relationship and to challenge it when you want to challenge it rather than taking everything you’re told as gospel.

And it takes self-confidence to leave a friend or mentor – or an old way of doing things – when things change or when the relationship no longer works, without fearing the loss or what might happen next.

I believe that a good mentor won’t just teach you a skill, they’ll teach you how to be confident in applying that skill. A great mentor will teach you how to celebrate the step change when it’s time to spread your wings.

I can have someone mentor me in in playing chess for example, but until I trust my ability to play well, find value in the game of chess itself and honestly believe that I can win, I’ll never play at the top of my game.

Without confidence in what you’ve learned, it’s all for nothing.

What’s your experience of leaving a friend or mentor behind you? Let me know in the comments.

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Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

Steve — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 15:06:56 +0000

Before I was laid off, back in 2001, I was sprinting so fast to stay still that I never saw my breakdown coming.

I was successful in my IT career, travelling the world in First Class and living like a King. But I was stalled, stuck and stymied and was having to sprint as fast as I could just so I could stay where I was and not fall down.

I never noticed the massive amounts of energy it was taking for me to stay still, and I never opened my eyes to how much I hated what I was doing. I never had the balls to admit to myself that I was somewhere in life that I didn’t like or recognise, and I ended up paying a hefty price.

I tell you this because I know that fearing the wrong thing will land you in trouble.

You can’t stand still, because nothing in nature does that. Everything grows and fades, nature is full of beginnings and endings. Nature is cyclical. So are you.

Fear of failure is all too common, but it’s the wrong thing to be scared about. How about the fear that you can go after what you want most in the world, and then not get it? Okay, that’s closer, but it’s still the wrong thing to be scared about.

You should be scared about not trying to go after what you want most in the world. You should be scared of not listening to what really matters to you.

Because that’s what will really screw you up. That’s what will really destroy you if you let yourself be led by those other fears.

3 years ago I started freelancing in addition to my coaching, and I was scared silly. What will my peers think? What if I end up back where I was in 2001? What if I lose my faith and love of coaching? What if I plain suck at being a Producer? I was dripping in fear, but what I’d learned is that I couldn’t stay still and I couldn’t start running faster and faster to keep the equilibrium in place.

I made a choice to let go of my comfortable lifestyle because I wanted something more. This year will also see some changes as I work on things that may well take me in a new direction. I don’t know what’ll happen or whether things will work out, but that’s exactly why I’m going to find out. I can’t not explore because I’m scared of getting lost.

Beginnings and endings.

Choose what you’re scared of. Don’t be scared of failure. Don’t be scared of beginning something. Don’t be scared of letting go of something.

Only be scared of not trying and of not listening to what matters.

You scared yet?

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30 Reasons Confidence is Critical in Business

Steve — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 15:26:23 +0000

You won’t succeed in business without a healthy dose of self-confidence. Here are 30 reasons why natural self-confidence is so critical in business and entrepreneurship.

Being low on confidence in a business meeting means that fear and anxiety will get in the way of delivering your point in the best way.
You’ll be excited to go out of your comfort zone to see what’s out there. Confidence allows you to take off the blinkers and look at other opportunities you wouldn’t have spotted before.
You won’t be demotivated or disillusioned by set-backs and will be ready and able to find ways through.
Nerves are fine, but coupled with low confidence they can be crippling. Feeling both nervous and confident is a great way to make sure you perform at your best.
Just 7% of your communication is down to the actual words you use. 55% is visual non-verbal (i.e. body language) and 38% is vocal non-verbal (i.e. tone of voice, rhythm, etc). People always pick up on conflicting or negative signals, while confident non-verbal communication speaks volumes.
Confidence makes it okay to experiment. It sets out the playing field in a way that makes it okay to try things out to see what works best.
Real confidence means that you’re fully prepared to take responsibility for what you do, there’s no need for blame and fault.
Confidence brings self-honesty with it – there’s no more lying to yourself about what you’re doing, how you’re doing it and whether you’re on the right road.
Networking becomes easier because you don’t have to worry about how you’re coming across or what other people think of you – you can connect openly and honestly without fear.
You’ll be ready to ask for help when you need it; you’re assured enough to know that asking for help doesn’t hurt you, it helps you.
Second guessing yourself stops – you don’t need to anticipate everything and constantly ask yourself “What If?”
You’ll know that your fears are part and parcel of the process of building a great business and see them as an ally rather than an enemy.
You’ll know the difference between real doubt and imagined doubt, and you’ll be primed to deal with anything that’s real.
You won’t feel like you can’t pick up the phone or send that email because the guy on the other side won’t want to hear from you. Other people are part of business-building.
An easy, natural confidence makes it simpler for other people to trust you, your words and your offering.
You’ll be able to openly admit when you’re flogging a dead horse, and adjust your game accordingly.
You’ll have a more rounded view of who you are and what you can do, rather than being confined by titles or job descriptions.
When conflicts arise you’ll be able to deal with them objectively and in the interests of your business, rather than taking it personally.
Suggestions, recommendations and even criticism from other people all have their place in improving how your business operates – they don’t take away from what you do, they add to it.
You’ll be able to create a business with the right people involved, rather than assuming you have to include whoever you can get or giving in to low expectations about who you can work with.
You’ll understand that partnership and joint venture opportunities aren’t a threat to your customer base and business, they’re a valuable addition that can open up another market for everyone involved.
With natural confidence you’ll be better able to establish good rapport with colleagues, clients and contacts.
You’ll have complete trust in your own skills, strengths, experience and talents rather than doubting whether they’re good enough.
Relationships are at the heart of any business. If you don’t have confidence in your interpersonal relationship abilities your business is flawed from the outset.
You won’t be scared to look at the numbers – finance might not be your bag but it doesn’t frighten the life out of you.
Confidence gives you the scope to set challenging objectives for your business, rather than setting easily met targets that don’t stretch or grow you or the business.
You’ll be able to spot those old sabotaging behaviors and stop them, the ones that always prevented you from playing big and succeeding.
You’ll understand that building a business is sometimes a long game and won’t get put off when things don’t all happen at once.
You’ll know the things that truly matter to you, and will shape your business in line with those things rather than cutting corners or following a meaningless path.
Being confident makes it easier to think in terms of what you can do rather than what you can’t do.

That’s the tip of the iceberg – what have I missed?

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You Gotta Be Naughty If You Wanna Be Great

Steve — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 16:17:39 +0000

The naughties might be over, but that’s no reason to stop being naughty. In fact, I downright encourage it.

While you certainly have to get in the game if you want to win, success isn’t necessarily achieved by playing by the established rules of the game. Whatever you’re working on, whatever game you’re in, whatever you’re building, you have to ask 2 questions:

Who made these rules up anyway?
Why did I assume this was the only way?

Success isn’t achieved by following a well-trodden path, particularly as an entrepreneur. You won’t win by playing by someone else’s rules or by assuming things need to be done a certain way. By all means learn from your role models and mentors, but don’t blindly follow what they – or anyone else – has done. They did it their way, and there’s no guarantee the same rules will work for you.

“Whatever you do, don’t read this book and take everything I say for word… Don’t ever be afraid to put your feet in that water, whether I’ve said a word about it or not.” – Gary Vaynerchuk, “Crush It”.

Success, particularly in todays tech-enabled world, is down to innovation. Or in other words, success isn’t about how other people have done it, it’s how you want to do it.

That’s not to say you should tear around like a bull in a china shop or make outrageous claims about yourself that you simply can’t deliver on, but you have to give yourself permission to step out and break the rules. You gotta be bold and brave enough to make up your own rules for achieving what matters to you, and to hell with what the establishment might think.

I have some fresh ideas in the works that I’m excited about, and while I continue to listen to and learn from the people I respect I’m also ready to put their advice to one side and make things up as I go. It doesn’t matter whether I do what folks expect or not, and neither does it matter whether I go about things in the way I’d expect to normally. What matters is that I play well and innovate.

I think this takes guts and confidence, and it’s why most budding entrepreneurs trip themselves up at the first hurdle. It requires that you spend time being uncomfortable, because growth and change don’t happen while you’re sitting comfortably. The confidence to break the rules, to be happy being uncomfortable and to innovate by using everything you have and everything you are is what allows you to change the game. And it can be learned.

Success is not about playing by the rules, it’s about being naughty.

What do you think?

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Got a Stirring in Your Soul?

Steve — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:14:09 +0000

Go towards it with confidence. That’s where life is.

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The Confidence Catch-22

Steve — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 17:00:16 +0000

There’s a major flaw with this confidence building stuff.

See, the more you go out of your comfort zone, take action and stretch your confidence muscle the more confident you become. That extra confidence makes it easier for you to keep going out of your comfort zone and take challenging action.

It’s a circular thing, action breeds confidence breeds action. Or, if you prefer, confidence breeds action breeds confidence.

Once you’re on that circle and aware of what’s happening it’s all good and the circle continues to turn, but how the hell do you break into that circle to begin with? How the hell do you take action when you’re not feeling confident enough?

The answer to this catch-22 is simple. You take a leap.

It’s like jumping onto a moving train or leaping onto a spinning carousel – it’s looks bloody difficult and you might fall on your arse, but if you don’t make that jump you’ll never know what experience you could have.

There’s a point in time, sometimes just a split second, where you have to make the choice to jump on.

If making that leap of faith is something you want to do, here are 3 ways to make it easier.

Are you both scared and excited? Fear is pretty much guaranteed, but are you also feeling excited about what might happen? Some of life’s best moments come with both fear and excitement attached – if both are there you gotta jump on.
You’ve fallen on your arse before. You’ve screwed up and looked silly before, and while it probably wasn’t your best moment you’re still here and are still going strong. What matters is picking yourself up, not falling down.
Remember what matters. Taking a leap becomes easier if you’re completely aware of what you’re jumping towards. If what you’re jumping onto means something to you and has a personal relevance, it becomes a no-brainer.

It’s not easy to take action when you’re not feeling confident enough to take action, but that’s no reason not to do it.

So tell me, what do you want to jump onto?

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5 Reasons You’re Scared of Being Truly Confident

Steve — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 13:09:05 +0000

If I had a dime for everyone I’ve worked and talked with who’s scared of being truly confident, I’d have a good number of dimes. I haven’t been counting; I don’t have the numbers in front of me, and a pile of dimes wouldn’t be much use to me in the UK anyway. The point is that people are often scared of becoming confident, even to the point of sabotaging themselves.

Here’s why you might be scared too.

You’ll Become Someone You’re Not
You’ve spent a long time being the person you are right now, so the idea of being a different version of you is a freaky thing to process. What if you don’t like who you turn into? What if you want to go back to the way you are now? What if people hate the new you?

All valid questions, and they all share the same answer. It doesn’t matter.

See, becoming truly confident is NOT changing who you are, and there is NO risk that you’ll become someone you’re not. True confidence isn’t about contorting or twisting your personality into something it’s not, it’s about letting it shine.

Simply, powerfully, quietly and brilliantly YOU.
You’ll Become Arrogant
What if something goes wrong and you end up being the person who enters the room thinking that everyone owes it to you to listen to you because you’re right, and that you’re just that little bit better than they are because you’ve got this whole confidence thing going on.

I’m always saying this, but I’ll say it again. Arrogance is noisy, confidence is quiet.

Arrogance is all about having people look at you, validate you and respect you based on nothing concrete. Confidence is not needing people to look at you or validate you, and having respect for yourself because you know what really matters.

There’s a gap wider than the Grand Canyon between confidence and arrogance.
You Might Be Successful
“Holy crap” you think, “If I’m really that confident then what’s going to stop me going after the things I want?”

That’s a great question. Truth is, the fear of success is enough to put most people off. What’s even more scary and heart-breaking is the fear of being confident and ready to go after what you really want, and then not getting it.

I’ve seen a lot people try to sabotage their own self-confidence, people who hold back their confidence so they don’t have to face the possibility of success, or the possibility of failure in the face of success.

The thing is, real confidence is knowing that you can deal with whatever life throws at you and come out the other side having grown. Real confidence includes being open to risk, opportunity and possibility. Some new guy on the personal development block recently tweeted this proverb:

He might have a decent career in this business.
Your Relationships Will Change
You’re scared that if you turn into this fully confident you, that your relationship with your partner will change. Or your relationship with a best friend. Or your Mum. Or your kids.

You know what, you’re probably right. Those relationships probably will change.

Gone will be the roles that you slip into based on what other people expect of you. Gone will be the need to validate yourself by being a bottomless pit. Gone will be the need to dance to other peoples’ tunes for fear of rocking the boat or upsetting them. Gone will be the stuff that you silently put up with.

In their place are relationships that are based on what really matters to you, based on what you need and what you love to give. Simpler, more honest, more you.
You’ll Need to Let Go
What about the stuff you’re holding close to yourself? Those pangs of hurt. Those secret vendetta’s. The petty jealousies. The habits that make you feel good on some level, no matter what the cost.

True confidence brings with it radical self-honesty, the kind of honesty that many of us find hard to open up to. That honesty might lead to some tough, important decisions about what you have in your life and how well those things serve you. It may be that you reach the uneasy decision that you need to let go of some old stuff, stuff that’s been as safe and familiar as a warm blanket.

That’s okay. True confidence turns around the belief that letting go of these things will be painful and full of struggle, and replaces it with the quiet knowledge that letting go of the things that no longer serve you well is about freeing yourself up, lightening your load and opening up.

So tell me, what are you scared of?

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You Aren’t As Good As Other People

Steve — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 19:17:40 +0000

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but there are other people out there who are better than you are.

Hey, I’m just the messenger, if you wanna shoot anything why not shoot that belief that this simple fact is a bad thing?

See, the brutal truth is that there will always be someone who’s bigger, faster, wiser, cleverer, more successful, more entertaining, more insightful and more able than you in something you do. There are exceptions of course – some folks are in the elite where they’re simply the best in their field at what they do. If you’re in that group then that’s bloody brilliant, really it is.

But even if you’re the best damn entrepreneur, Mum, CEO, designer or chef in the world, there’s someone else who’s going to be a better singer than you. Or better at building rapport. Or better at golf.

Does that take away from your ability?

Among other things I pride myself on my sense of humour, and I have a bit of a reputation as a funny bloke (funny ha-ha, not funny weird). But when there’s another funny guy at the table it suddenly turns into a competition, and I find myself determined to prove just how damn funny I am. Laugh, damn you, laugh.

I’ve learned from this situation and from others (and continue to learn) that I need to stop comparing and contrasting.

Nobody can be the best at everything, but that doesn’t stop some people seeing others who are better at something than they are and saying, “Why aren’t I as good as them?”, “Geez, I must really suck.”, etc, etc.

Here’s the important part. The fact that other people will always be better than you does not take away from what you’re top-of-the-tree-a-number-one brilliant at. In fact, it’s often a great idea to surround yourself by people who are smarter, faster, more experienced and better at something than you – that’s a great way to learn and it’s a great model for achieving success.

For that to to happen you need to stop judging yourself as “better” or “worse” than other people, which means you start thinking of yourself less, rather than thinking less of yourself.

And that my friend, is a sure-fire way to unbreakable confidence.

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An Open Letter to 2010

Steve — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 14:21:34 +0000

Dear 2010

Good to have you here. Sorry for any mess left behind by 2009, who was particularly unruly and seems to have left the place in a right mess. Seriously, I blame the parents. Tsk.

Anyway, thanks for reading this letter and there are a couple of things I’d like to talk about.

Before I do that, thanks so much for everything in 2009, particularly for encouraging my sense of humour and finding lots of things for me to laugh at and laugh with. You might have heard how important laughter is to me, so it would be great if we can keep that going. Cheers. I also met a bunch of good people, and you know how much that means to me. Awesome.

Right, first off I need some help with this coaching thing and the blog. As things have got busier and my health has worsened, I’ve had less and less energy to spend here and I’ve found it hard to figure out exactly what to do with my coaching business. The reason I freelance is primarily because it pays well, and secondly because I get to work with some really good people (thanks again). I want to up my game and take the confidence coaching to a whole other league, but it has to offer me those same things and balance well with my health.

I get such a buzz from seeing people’s confidence grow and their lives grow as a result – it totally rocks and I count myself lucky to be able to do that. But I want – I need – to do more of it, and in different ways. What I need is a little clarity and some motivation to get it moving and some sparks of inspiration to look at how I can work together with other people and have bucket loads of fun. I feel a little stuck with it right now, so if you can help to un-jimmy it that would be grand. Thanks.

Next, I want to fall in love with someone again. Yeah, I know how that sounds, but in my head it’s all wistful and whimsical like an episode of Ally McBeal. Look, there’s the Biscuit, walking around in bare feet, summoning the spirit of Barry White. Leaving Ally to one side, I worked with the awesome Hiro Boga recently and one comment she made is that she had the sense I was “born with a broken heart”. That kinda rings true. I’ve been in love three times and each time it was the most exhilarating, painful, awkward, amazing and exciting thing I could imagine. I want to get the shit kicked out of me by love again, so it would be kinda cool if you could help me to do that, to go beyond flirting to the place where I’m just plain terrified and enjoying every moment. If they look like Uma Thurman or Brandon Routh that’s even better.

Lastly, and this is the big one, can I have my health back please?

It was last seen early on in 2008 I think, and you can’t really miss it. Big, bright and bouncy with blue eyes and dimples. Yeah, that’s it. If I’m honest I never really knew that I had it, but I’ve really missed it over the last few months. I’m a little tired of feeling exhausted, the dizzy spells and nausea aren’t my favourite, and having my body ache all the time is certainly something I can do without. If you can help to get this fixed it’ll be much appreciated. I’ll tell everyone I know how nice you are, honest I will.

I know you’ll be busy clearing the place up after 2009 left (sheesh) and I’m willing to step up and do my bit, but if you can spare me some time to help me out on these things that would be so cool. I’ll give you a big hug and bake you a cake to say thanks.

Thanks
Steve

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