My nephew Matt just got back from Africa, and I had a couple of beers with him over the Easter weekend to hear about his adventures.

That’s him in the picture there, and the other photo’s were taken during his trip.

For as long as I can remember he’s always been into animals and wildlife, and for the last 3 months he had the opportunity to live right in the middle of his passion, working in game reserves and animal conservation projects in and around Botswana and seeing the most incredible wildlife the planet has to offer.

I had loads of questions for him about his time there, but didn’t need to ask many as Matt was talking ten to the dozen trying to tell me everything.  It was great to see him so fired up.

He told me about the most disgusting thing he’s ever done – having to drive a several days old animal carcass around part of the camp to leave a scent, then tying the rotting carcass with its insides hanging out to a tree, climbing up and waiting all night to see a rare hyena that’s attracted by the scent of this particular rotting carcass.

He told me about driving an hour to go to a bar in the nearest village, where he and his friends got insanely drunk and then drove back (don’t worry, there’s no traffic and no road).  The next morning he found an animals leg, several ashtrays and a number of ‘Beware: Lions’ road signs that they’d somehow ‘accumulated’.

He told me about how he was trying to get his jeep out of the mud in the dark one night, when his friend shone his torch at the side of the track and caught the eyes of a leopard, standing and watching them.

None of that phased him and his enthusiasm was obvious.  That’s probably why he was asked to become the full-time Project Coordinator at a brand new game reserve over there.

He was back just a week before jumping at the chance, and leaves again in a month.  He could be there for 3 months or 3 years, but he’s not worried about how long he’s out there.  What matters to him is that he’s going.

He’s so full of life, confidence and enthusiasm right now, and there’s a clear lesson to be learned here.

The lesson’s simple – he’s found something he loves doing, and he’s doing it.  That’s where real confidence comes from – making decisions based on what matters to you and trusting that those decisions are the right ones for you.

He commented to me how he was getting up at the crack of dawn out there, because there was so much he wanted to do each day, whereas it took just a week here before he was back into the habit of sleeping in and watching TV.  There just isn’t a compelling ‘something’ for him in a sleepy town like this one.

He doesn’t want an “okay” life, doing a job he’s not excited about and sitting in front of the TV for the rest of the time.  He wants more than that for himself.

He wants to wake up and make the most out of the day.

So he’s plugged himself right into what matters to him, and in doing that he’s recognised that he has a talent for it and has stumbled on the natural confidence that comes from trusting yourself.

It’s a lesson I need to remind myself of frequently.  It’s all too easy to forget.

Good for you Matt, I couldn’t be more pleased for you.

For the last few days I’ve been sharing with you my thoughts on how you can step up and win at the things that mean something to you.  Here’s a quick run-down:

1. Name Your Game: Figure out what’s important and make a choice to honour it – that’s not a choice if you want real confidence and real success.

2. Learn How to Play: Learn how the play the game and “successinate” – that’s how you become a great player.

3. Use What You’ve Got: You’re hardwired to be brilliant at stuff – so get in there and use it all.

4. Set Things up to Win: Set things up so they help you instead of getting in your way and tripping you up.

5. Mind Your Head: Watch what you say to yourself and stop talking yourself down – otherwise you’ll be holding yourself back.

6. Feed Yourself: You gotta make sure you’re feeding your head, heart and body.  If you don’t you’ll never be at your best.

7. Jump in with Both Feet: Participate in your life, feel like you’re wringing out every drop and feel free to do the crazy thing.

This is it folks – this is what’s behind the curtain and it’s the basis for how I work with people.

It’s what I’ve seen get results in my own life (in more ways than I know) and it’s the structure behind all the coaching I do (and for my Truly Confident Living Course) — and you know what – it bloody well works!

I’d love to know your thoughts  — which strategies you think you’re neglecting, which ones are rocking your world and — perhaps most importantly — if you’ve made any decisions…

Billy Ocean was right when he went on about tough people getting going (I’m paraphrasing), but it takes real guts, determination and confidence to step up, take a risk and play the games that matter.

He had a point though — but if you’re going to jump in with both feet it’s a whole lot easier if you do it in the right ways.

I call it ‘Inspired Participation’.  A couple of quick definitions for you –

in-spired
1. To stimulate to action; motivate
2. To breathe life into.
3. To be the cause or source of; bring about.

par-tic-i-pa-tion
1. The act of taking part or sharing in something.
2. To share in something.

Participation is an active process of engaging with your own life. Inspiration is doing what you do knowing that’s it’s a positive choice and means something to you. So Inspired Participation is about plugging into everything in your life, finding value in it all and letting yourself do what comes naturally.

I think this is something really special, and something I always bring to mind when I need that little something extra to keep me going.  There are 4 ways to make inspired participation happen in your own life.

1. Inspired Participation in Your Game
Make a choice about which game you want to play and play it.  Even if the game gets hard and you’re not sure when you’ll win, you keep on playing because you value the experience and it means something to you.

Inspired Participation in your game is choosing to engage in something that matters to you, playing it fully and enjoying it.  For me it’s blogging and building my confidence experience, brand and coaching offerings, and I’ve decided to get back into the dating game too (it’s been way too long). But it could be anything – a relationship, an entrepreneurial idea, a creative project, contributing to your community, a friendship, changing your career or a gazillion other things.

It’s only by making a choice to become a great player in a game that matters that you become a great player and get success that means something.

2. Inspired Participation in Your Feelings
Emotions go up and down and yes, sometimes they’re confusing, unpredictable and downright painful. That’s part of the deal with being human I’m afraid.

I’m guilty of sometimes forgetting about this one and becoming detached, so this is one I keep my eye on.  I know that my feelings are how I experience my life and everything in it – they’re my connection with what’s happening and the impact that everything has on me.  Cutting myself off from my feelings means I’m cutting myself off from my own life, and I’ll end up feeling disconnected from everything.

When you nail this one you’ll know that your feelings are there to serve a purpose and that they’re all equally valid.  And that’s a Good Thing because you’re free to feel what you’re feeling and experience them without a filter (while also understanding that you don’t necessarily have to do anything with them).

3. Inspired Participation in the World
No man’s an island, and you can’t live in a vacuum.  Everything you do has an impact on the world around you – – friends, family, colleagues, finances, home, relationships, community, health, career, etc. – and nothing can happen in your life without having an impact somewhere.

Inspired Participation in the world is about plugging into what’s around you and being aware of what’s working and what isn’t working.  You’ll be able to create a congruent environment that contributes to what’s important to you, helps you honour those things and adds to how you see yourself.

It’s about being more than just one person.

4. Inspired Participation in Action
I’ll bet that you sometimes get an idea that seems odd, crazy or just plain brilliant, and I’ll also bet that you often filter these thoughts out and take a more established or safer route.  Inspired Participation in action is making it okay for you to do those out of the ordinary things that somehow feel incredibly right.

This doesn’t necessarily have to involve full-on, life changing, epic events like people sometimes think.  Not at all.  Inspired participation in action can be a lot more subtle, gentle or even sillier than that, like getting in touch with an old friend, signing up for a flamenco class, painting your closet doors red or taking a walk in the rain with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Inspired participation in action is knowing that you can take the road less travelled.

This whole idea of inspired participation changes your game from something that you might struggle or fight through into something that gives you an incomparable richness of experience.

And that’s something everyone deserves.

You ready to jump in?

Imagine that you’re walking home from the market with a couple of bags full of fresh groceries, but unknown to you, the bags have holes in bottoms of them.

So you’re walking along quite happily, thinking about what you’ll cook with your spinach and pork chops (maybe pork chops with spinach?), blissfully unaware of the trail of things behind you.  When you get home you unpack what’s left and ask, ‘Didn’t I have more than this?‘

Nourishment is about plugging those holes in your life and making sure you have things in your life that keep you feeling nourished.

Why is nourishment so important?  Because you won’t be able play your best game unless you’re sufficiently nourished.  I’ve learned this first hand — many times over — and I’m currently prioritising my own nourishment over other activities because of my whole post viral thang.  The point is that you’re responsible for your life, and that means that it’s also your responsibility to make sure you’re okay during everything that happens in it.

That doesn’t mean that it’s easy, particularly when things are stupidly busy.  I’ve just started freelancing at an ad agency I was at last year, and it’s so crazily busy that I’m having to make some key decisions about what stays and what goes.  I’m going to bed at 10pm during the week to ensure I get 8 hours sleep, and if the stupid pace doesn’t slow next month I’m willing to make the choice to get outa there.

Even when things are crazy busy you have to make room for nourishment, because that’s when you need to be double sure that your reserve tank is topped up.

You can’t give away what you don’t have, and can’t spend energy you’ve already spent.

Taking care of yourself has to be a real priority, because everything you do to nourish yourself feeds your self-esteem and self-confidence, sending yourself the message that you’re good enough to take great care of.

Nourishment means that you’re connected to yourself and thinking purposefully, rather than spiralling around in the middle of everything.

Nourish Your Head
Nourish your head by keeping yourself challenged, by keeping yourself thinking, learning and growing.  Read books or blogs, take a class, learn or hone a skill, take on a big project or challenge yourself to understand something about yourself.

Nourish Your Heart
Nourish your heart by having things in your life that return you to what you love the most, things that make you smile from the inside and things that make you feel like you again.  Listen to your favourite music, spend time in the company of people you love, take an afternoon nap in your armchair, go for a walk through the park or write about something you love.

Nourish Your Body
Nourish your body by taking care of yourself physically. You’re a living, breathing, massively complex organism and your body needs the right things to keep going.  Neglect that and nothing else matters.  Hit the gym, take in a yoga class, get some extra sleep, have a healthy breakfast or take a walk during your lunch break.

What I’ve learned is that nourishment starts with recognising the fact that you’re important enough to spend time taking care of, and it ends with you feeling nourished and being primed to play at your best.  There’s no downside here.

You’re the only one of you there is, so it’s your responsibility to make sure you’re okay.

Sitting there, right now, how well nourished are you?

‘I can’t do that‘, ‘There’s no point in doing that‘, ‘That’s not really my thing‘ and ‘You gotta be kidding me, I’m outa here‘ are just some of the things that we tell ourselves when things look risky.  You talk yourself out of things, you put yourself down, you beat yourself up, make excuses and tell yourself that you don’t want, can’t get or aren’t good enough to have what you want.

Stop it, it simply doesn’t work.  In order to win, you need to get a grip of what’s happening in your head.

This is about the part of you that I call the Gremlin.  That’s the part of you that chimes up when there’s change in the air and says “Run! Hide! Don’t move!”

The Gremlin is the part of you that holds you back and doesn’t want you to try out new things because you might screw up or end up with egg on your face.  Your Gremlin would love it if you stayed under the duvet every day and avoided eggs altogether.

A bit like a really lazy vegan, only with less optimism.

You see, change is where the risk is — that’s where things might not work out exactly as you want them to, and that’s what your Gremlin is trying to protect you from.

Your Gremlin thinks that change is a royal pain in the arse, and will dodge and weave to avoid it.

What kind of impact does that have on your confidence?  A big one.  As big as a big thing in big town during big week.  Understanding that you grow your confidence muscle by working it, having an influence in your life that actively seeks out ways for you not to try anything new has a direct bearing on your self-confidence.

You won’t have the chance to develop your confidence muscle if your Gremlin prevents you from taking opportunities and trying out new things.  Your level of confidence will grow smaller and smaller, until your Gremlin is calling all the shots in your life, and there you are – less than you really are and living in fear.

I’m not about to tell you that change is easy or taking a risk is simple — exposing yourself to change and risk can scare the crap out of you, and to be brutally honest change can be awkward and even painful.

But those aren’t good enough reasons not to go forwards if you know deep down that going forwards matters.

“There are costs and risks to a program of action, but they are far less than the long-range risks and costs of comfortable inaction.” – John F. Kennedy

Truth is, all your Gremlin wants is for you to be safe, warm and comfortable, but his methods involve using every dirty trick he can think of.  He knows you exceptionally well and will tell you exactly what you need to hear to keep you away from change, risk and opportunity.

He knows the lines that will persuade you away from a course of action, and he knows how to manipulate you into inaction.

That’s why you need to figure out exactly what happens in your head when there’s change or risk in the air. You need to learn what the Gremlin says to you to keep you where you are; you need to learn the excuses and twisted logic he uses, because it’s only by acknowledging the Gremlin when he speaks up that you can say “Oh it’s you.  Thanks for checking in, but this is important to me and I’ll be just fine.”

Don’t let the little tinker get his own way – you’re far more capable than he gives you credit for.

Look around you.  Go on.  Look around.

Chances are there’s some stuff you like, some stuff you don’t like so much and probably some stuff you’re currently pretending isn’t there.  My vacuum cleaner’s been sitting in the middle of my hallway for a week as a reminder to do the vacuuming.  I’m still pretending it isn’t there.

Cavemen were just the same as you and me, for 2 reasons – firstly that we have a remarkable ability to shape the environment around us to suit our needs, and secondly because we have have the ability to adapt to and be shaped by our environment.  Nothing to do with abundant facial hair or loin cloths, I’m please to say.

Your environment is the things you move around in every day, but it’s more than just your physical environment. It includes your relationships, work, your network, finances, body, spirituality, belief system and your sense of self.

Your environment is important for 2 reasons –

1.  For better or worse, your environment will reflect your thinking and the game you’ve been playing.  If it’s a game you can’t win or don’t want to play, your environment will reflect that.

2.  As well as your environment being a reflection of yourself, you also adapt to the environment around you, which in turn shapes your ability to step up and play the game you want to play.

This is why your environment is a critical piece of playing a game that matters.  Your environment needs to reflect who you are and it needs to be congruous with the game you want to play.

The simple rule is this —

If there’s something in your environment that takes away from your ability to play the game, then you won’t be playing your best game.

Think of it like driving down a long road on your way to somewhere important.  If the road is full of pot-holes and blind corners, if there are no petrol stations, if your radio and air con’s broken and if parts of the road are flooded and other parts so narrow so your car barely squeezes through, then it’s not going to be a pleasant journey.

You’ll be so worried, stressed and frustrated by the trip that you’ll want to forget all about where you were heading and prefer to turn back and get back under the duvet.

It’s these flippin’ bumps in the road – or tolerations as I call them – that distract you and divert your energy and focus away from the game.  Your tolerations are the things you’re putting up with, the things that drain your energy or make you feel less than.

Left unchecked, these tolerations can create blocks or obstacles that make the game more difficult to play, or put a stop to your ability to play altogether.

So take another look around you, not just in your physical environment but in your relationships, your work, your acquaintances, finances, body, spirit, beliefs and sense of identity.  Go on.

What are you tolerating in your environment? Maybe an outstanding bill, an unsupportive relationship, a leaky tap, a belief that you can’t do something or a niggling back pain?

Tolerations suck because:

1.  They’re like bumps in the road, making things rockier than they need to be. Tolerations in your environment are always there distracting you and draining you, and they make your game more difficult to play.

2.  They add up over time, and leaving them be sends yourself a clear message that you’re not capable of changing things or don’t deserve anything better – and that will strip your confidence to the bone.

But picture it another way.  What if the road you’re on was designed specifically to allow you to travel easily and simply?  What if you had everything you needed on the trip?  What if you could drive smoothly, enjoy the views and sing along to your favourite music on the way (tell me that isn’t just me)?  The trip instantly becomes a pleasure.

It becomes something you want to undertake because you’ll enjoy the trip alone, and suddenly the journey comes alive.

How much easier would the game be if your environment was aligned in favour of the game?

How much more pleasurable would the game be if you were playing in an environment that allows the game to come to life?

Set up your environment so that your tolerations can be managed or removed, and suddenly you’re bump-free.  Your environment is smoother with fewer sharp edges to catch your clothes on or stub your toe on.

Your environment becomes congruent with the game you’re playing.

And that makes a whopping great big difference.

A little neurobiology for ya.

Your brain (I’m assuming you don’t need an introduction) is pretty complex.  You probably already knew that.  By the time you turn three years old and you’re feeding your toys into a variety of household appliances, your brain has around 100 billion neurons – these are the ‘doing’ cells in the brain.

Each of these neurons is connected to around 15 thousand other neurons, and it’s this network that allows you to think.  These synapses are the pathways of the brain and enable information to flow freely.  Some of them will be like motorways, throwing around huge amounts of information really quickly, while others will be more like a little country lane blocked by a tractor.

As you grow up, your brain learns to use the stronger pathways over the weaker ones, simply because they’re more efficient.  Over time and through lack of use, these weaker pathways fall into disrepair, and some disappear altogether.  In fact, by the time you turn 15 (hopefully you’ve stopped feeding your toys into the toaster by this stage) around half of your synapses have gone.

That’s okay though, don’t worry.  It’s just your brain learning to work in the best way it can – by using those stronger pathways it’s able to think better.

The stronger pathways in your brain will be the ways that you think naturally and best, and it’s by capitalising on how your brain’s wired that you’ll get your best results.

In the real world that means that the things that come naturally to you (your talents), the things you’re best at (your strengths) and the things that mean the most to you (your values) are hardwired into you. Those are the things that you excel at, and they’re not going anywhere.

Your talents

A talent is something that comes naturally to you.  It’s any recurring pattern of feeling, thought or behaviour that comes naturally.  It tends to be something you do without even thinking about, something that seems to come spontaneously from the top of your head, something that’s always been there or something that might feel like a whole bank of switches have been flicked to the ‘on’ position when you use it.

Some of these you might already be using in your professional or personal life (often without even knowing it), but using your talents is where things really happen.

Your strengths

A strength is a combination of your skills, experience and talents – it’s the bringing together of those 3 things that allows you to do something at a consistently high or near-perfect level of performance.

A strengths is the accumulation and application of what you’ve learned works well, the skills that you’ve worked at and gained, and the talents you’ve always had.  You’ll likely derive an inherent satisfaction from doing it and you can probably picture yourself quite happily doing it repeatedly.

Your values

These are the most important things you’ve got — your values are the building blocks for who you are and how you live your life.

A value is something in yourself, in others or out there in the world that’s most important to you, and when you express or demonstrate your values it feels bloody fantastic, for the simple reason that you’re honouring the fundamental pieces of who you are.

You know those times when you’ve felt alive, on top of your game or buzzing? That’s when one or more of your values are being honoured, and you can get more of that by living according to them.

Because your talents, strengths and values are hardwired into you they’re not going anywhere. That means you can have absolute confidence in them.

You’re hardwired to do all kinds of things brilliantly, and not using those things should be a criminal offence.  5 years hard labour in a personal development workshop environment (shudder).

Not only does using what you’ve got feel great, but it is guaranteed to increase you chances of winning.

In part 1 of 7 Ways to Win in 2009, I showed you how important it is to put a name to the game you want to play.  In this part, I’ll answer the famous question, “How do you get to Carnegie Hall?”

If you’re a tennis player you’ll need to get hold of a good racket and some tennis shoes and you’ll need to get yourself onto the court.  You’ll need to work on your serve and your backhand, you’ll need to work on the power in your stroke and in your legs.  You’ll need to learn how to deal with the pressure of competition and how to remain focused.  You’ll need to learn how to be a great player.

If you’re a pianist you’ll need to learn the instrument, get a feel for the music and practice putting it all together in a performance.

If you’re a CEO you’ll need to learn how to be a great manager, how to create and navigate towards a compelling vision and how the get the best from people and you’ll need to practice and develop those skills and strategies to stand a better chance of winning.

Whatever game you want to play, there will be certain skills and strategies that will make you a great player, and particular skills and strategies that make the game easier to play.

So what skills are necessary to play your game?
What do you need to be able to do well in order to increase your chances of winning?
What skills would help you to play the game?
What strategies can you employ that will help you play at your best level?
What would make you a more confident player?

These are all questions you need to think about if you’re going to get into the game, bring it to life and have a shot at winning.

That’s exactly what I’ve done with Truly Confident Living – I’ve identified the skills that will make someone a great player, looked at how they can practice those things and how to employ the strategies that get results.

I get that talking about ‘practice’ sounds dull.  I really do.  But it’s not.  I’m going to come up with a new word for it that doesn’t sound so pedestrian or difficult.  Maybe “maxi-skilling” or “successinating”.  Or something silly like “sunzap”.

But practising (or sunzapping) is an integral part of playing a game and if the game has a personal relevance you’ll want to get stuck in.

You won’t be one of those people who shys away from practice because you don’t see the point or it feels too hard, simply because you understand that practicing and experiencing the game is the only way you’ll learn how to play to win.

Sure, you might not win every single game, but with every game you’ll learn more about how to play and what it takes to truly win.  Recognise that, and you’re already a winner.

In part 3 of 7 Ways to Win in 2009 — How you’re hard-wired to be awesome at certain things, and how to use those things to your benefit…

There’s a bunch of stuff I want this year.  Here are just a few –

I want to be healthy again.
I want to laugh myself silly, ’til I start squeaking.
I want to surround myself with people who inspire me.
I want to play a bigger, better game.
I want to make lots of new friends to play with.
I want to shake things up a little in the too-comfortable world of coaching.
I want to inspire others to do really cool things.
I want to be a better friend.
I want to be a published writer.
I want to work in New York City for a while.
I want the important people in my life to know they’re important.

The way I see it all of these things are achievable, and I’m working on all of them with the intention of playing my best game throughout.

It’s an approach I learned from the legendary coach Dave Buck, and it’s my job as a confidence coach – getting people to play their best game and to do it with natural confidence.

There’s one important thing to figure out before you stand a chance of getting what you want and winning in 2009 – you need to know what game you want to play.

I’ve written a lot recently about how goals come with problems and how games are different, but I’m not going to rant about goals again here (you’ll be pleased to hear).

What I will reiterate is that games are different.

Your game is something that matters to you, and something that you want to get going with because you want to win.

Your game is something that you’re working on; something that you’re creating, achieving or expressing.  Your game is something you can engage with on an ongoing basis.

Your game is something you want to play.

I don’t mean “game” in the negative sense, as in how people sometimes play games with other people.  There’s nothing  negative about it.

Real success requires that you choose a game you want to play, which sounds like a no-brainer but how many times have you started something that half way through you realised that you weren’t that bothered with after all?  How many times have you seen others get into a project that you know full well they don’t really want to do or won’t to see through to the end?

The reason is that people end up doing what they think they want, not what they really want — so the point is to put a name to something that you deep-down want to play.

Imagine if Roger Federer came along to Wimbledon and realised that he didn’t really want to play tennis. Imagine if Obama didn’t really want to be President.  You can bet your tush that he wouldn’t be moving into the Lincoln bedroom.

Successful people identify what really matters to them, they fully engage with the game and they learn how to play it well.

More than that, successful people figure out what winning looks like.  They don’t go by someone else’s definition of winning and they don’t make assumptions about what it is.  They look at their game and figure out what it is to win, then they bring their game to life.

Holy moly, just writing about this approach gets me fired up.

But the sad fact is that the possibility of defeat or failure is why most people don’t play the games they really want to play.  The possibility that you can try for what you really want and not get it is heart-breaking, and it’s enough to stop the majority of people in their tracks.

But being willing to play the game is where things happen.

That’s where you learn how to play the game well and that’s where you feel a great sense of completion or fulfillment from however the game turns out.

Don’t just play the small games you know you can win, and certainly don’t play at the games that aren’t winnable or that you don’t even want to play. Play the BIG games, the games that are personal to you and your life,and get ready to learn how to play brilliantly

My game?

My game is the ‘Best Confidence Coach in the World’ game, and I’m looking forward to playing.

Magazines, TV and the Internet are full to bursting with articles about how to change your life for the better in 2009.  You’re probably half way there already.  It is January 5^th don’cha know.

It’s a worthy aim, so I’ve broken down my thoughts into 2 easy steps that you can do from the comfort of your own home.

Hell, you can even be sitting down and eating a donut if you want.

Ready?  Then here are my 2 easy steps to change your life in 2009 —

1.       Decide something.
2.       Do something.

Phew.  Take a breath, mop your brow and go have a rest – you’re probably feeling shattered after all that.

Gosh I’m wise.

I know, I’m being facetious.  To be serious for a moment though (stranger things), that really IS what it boils down to.  You have to decide something and then go do something about it.

Of course, there are many complications that get in the way of both of those things, and that’s why I’ll be posting 7 articles over the next few days that will show you clearly how you can get going this year, how you can go about what you do with real confidence and how you can win.

There’s no screwing around with these 7 steps.  They work.

The first article in the series will be up tomorrow – be sure to check it out.