A lot of people feel crappy about who they are, where they are and what they’ve got. If you want the same results, here’s how to do it:

1. Take criticism personally.
   When someone tells you that you’ve done something wrong, that a piece of work isn’t up to scratch, that you look tired, that you made a mistake or that they don’t like what you’re wearing – take it all on board.

   Recognise that other people are able to look objectively at what’s happening, so they’re better placed to tell you the truth. They’re most probably right and what do you know anyway?

2. Think that every challenge is bigger than you
   Face it; there are some tasks you’re just not up to. Landing that exciting new job, getting a promotion, taking on the ‘big project’ or building a relationship that really works – these are all big challenges and you don’t want to bite off more than you can chew.

   Some things are just bigger than you are, so it’s better to take on small stuff that you know you can do.

3. Focus on what you’re worst at
   You might be pretty poor at creative thinking. You might stink at financial planning. You might be rubbish at presenting or you might suck at taking part in high-pressure meetings.

   It’s good to know what you’re not good at so that you can avoid doing those things. The more you look at the areas you’re weakest in the easier it is to steer clear of them.

4. Make sure there’s very little ‘You’ time
   Life’s busier than ever, right? You’ve got loads going on at work, loads happening with friends and all kinds of demands on your time. The best thing to do is to plan things out so that you can do everything. It’s good to be busy and running around after everyone else will mean that everyone’s happy and nobody will have a problem with you. It’s a win-win!

5. Let your imagination run riot
   Life always has something nasty up its sleeve, so it’s a good idea to look at all the things that could go wrong.

   It’s much better to think about what could happen than have it come along out of the blue and blindside you. You don’t want to be picking up the pieces all the time, so let your imagination figure out all the things that can go wrong so that you know what might happen ahead of time.

6. Stay right where you are
   How many times have you taken a chance, only for things to go wrong? How many times have you grasped an opportunity only for it to slip between your fingers?

   There’s always another screw-up waiting for you, so it’s better to stay right where you are. Where you are right now is a known quantity – it’s safe, warm and comfortable. Doesn’t that sound better than going out there, screwing up and looking stupid?

7. Set your expectations low
   Set your expectations high and you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Have high expectations of yourself and what you can do and you’re in line for the biggest of reality checks.

   Things rarely turn out as you want them to, so set your expectations low so that you don’t end up more disappointed than necessary.

Follow these simple steps and I guarantee that in 14 days you’ll be feeling so crappy you won’t want to get out of bed in the morning. And who wouldn’t want to spend all day in bed – nice result!

Holy moly, I hate being ill.

I’m writing this post from under the duvet, and I swear I’ve never felt this bad (perhaps with the exception of severe food poisoning in Morocco when I was 13, which really wasn’t pretty). For the last 6 or 7 days I’ve felt as sick as 10 men, and while I was hoping that all I had was a seasonal cold that would be gone in a couple of days, the doc says that it’s full on flu.

Great. Just what I need.

Being ill brings the worst out in me. In the few moments when I’m awake I start beating myself up about the fact that I’m ill.

“I should be getting more work done.”
“I haven’t written anything for days.”
“I’m behind on my paperwork.”
“I’m letting people down.”
“I’m wasting time being ill.”
“I’m a bad coach.”
“I’m a bad project manager.”
“I’m a bad friend.”

and on and on…

I know that I’m thinking that way simply because the better pieces of me can’t think straight right now, so I’m just doing what the doc told me to do and letting it all ride.

It’s a great example of how everything you have in your life – family, friends, home, finances, partner and of course your body and your physical fitness impacts how you feel about yourself. What you have in each of your environments (as I call them) either adds to or takes away from your sense of self. Any glitch in any of those areas and you’ll feel it.

So yes, it’s incredibly frustrating that I’m not getting round to all the things I should be doing and that those better parts of me aren’t around for a while, and I can only vaguely imagine everything that I’ll need to do when I’m back to normal. But for now, the most beneficial thing for me to do is trust that I’ll be back on form in a couple of days and will soon get everything back on track.

That’s like an extra layer of comfort and an extra feeling of warmth. So while I may be feeling uber-crappy, I’m so glad I can see through the crap I’m telling myself and have complete trust that I’ll be back on top form soon…

I don’t want to sound smug, but I’ve got a pretty good life right now.

That’s not to say that life hasn’t slapped me round the face, stuck its foot out to trip me over or driven through a puddle and drenched me.

When I was 19 I spent 18 months on prescription painkillers; I had no idea who I was and no clue what it meant to live a life. I walked around lost, feeling numb.

When I turned 30 I hit another crisis point. My head just stopped working; ideas escaped me, the simplest actions seemed impossible and I didn’t see anyone for 3 months because I just couldn’t understand the thread of conversations. I ended up on a cocktail of anti-depressants for a year.

Why am I telling you this? For the simple reason that I’m glad I went through those times. I’m glad I’ve been completely lost in the middle of my own life. I’m glad I’ve been lower than low. I’m glad I’ve plumbed the depths.

Not for any masochistic reasons and I certainly don’t want a medal (although I do like shiny things), I just want to point out that without both of those times in my life (and all the other, smaller blips) I wouldn’t have discovered who I was.

The challenges you face in life don’t make you who you are, they reveal who you are.

Ever since I started coaching some 6 years ago, I’ve always said that it’s not what happens to you it’s what you do with what happens to you. Even though there are times when life just sucks, that may be the truest thing I’ve ever said.

Without those hard times and without those times that make you question how the heck you can go on, you don’t know the full extent of who you are and what you’ve got. Without adversity, you’ll never know what you’re truly capable of.

Every crisis makes you more adept at living your life. Each adversity adds to your inner confidence.

Live your life without experiencing adversity and you’ll be living in a cushioned, protected, safe and heavily limited environment. And that’s why adversity is a valid and necessary ingredient for truly confident living.

Don’t give the hard times a bad rap; you need them.

So it seems that an increasing number of women in their 20’s are having botox treatment even though they don’t need it.

One London clinic reports that a quarter of its clients are under 30, and that this number’s increasing. Botox expert Dr Nick Lowe says, “You’ve got to have some lines and wrinkles to start with. A lot of people come in as a result of peer pressure, when there’s absolutely no need for them to have it.”

Having botox when you’re in your 40’s or 50’s is one thing, but having poison injected into your face in your 20’s because you want to fit in really doesn’t sound like a good idea; it’s plain crazy.

However these people are justifying it in their heads, I agree with Dr Lowe that it stems from some kind of peer pressure (whether direct or perceived).

Peer pressure comes from a lack of security (“I’m not good enough“) and needing to feel validated (“I need peoples’ approval to feel that I’m good enough“) among your peers. It’s a fundamental lack of self esteem and confidence that no amount of botox is going to fix.

These young women are fooling themselves about their reasons for seeking botox treatment – a strategy that will only spell more confidence-related problems as time goes by.

Stop it. Address the core issue and forget about papering over the cracks and covering up the wrinkles.

Let me know what you think – would you have botox in your 20’s?

Here’s an email I got from Sally back in September:

“There is one question I have for you – how do you handle family member(s) and a partner who have ways to destroy your confidence levels? Growing up, I was an over-weight girl and my Mom and sister put me down a lot, but I was not afraid to have fun & express myself and had lots of friends. Nowadays, I’m in much better shape, but I keep to myself – I don’t do anything but go to work & school (no time and no REAL friends to be with) and it seems my partner, my sister & mom still have a way to bring me down. How can I overcome this?”

– Sally in Boston

Anything to do with family is a really tough one, because at the end of the day there’s only so far you can go. You can’t choose your family, so with that has to come a certain amount of acceptance. It sounds like you’ve had a tough time growing up and have had to put up with a lot of negativity. Good for you for seeing that this doesn’t have to define you and that you can have something better for yourself – I can’t emphasise enough how important that is.

You know, if you’re told enough times that you’re not good enough you might start to believe it one day. What I can tell you without doubt is that you are better and more resourceful than you know. What your partner, Mom and sister say and do is just plain wrong.

Do they know how much their behaviour is affecting you? It’s possible that because they don’t know how you’re feeling that they assume their behaviour is okay. If it’s damaging your sense of self their behaviour is not okay.

Your responses to others’ behaviour teaches them what is and isn’t acceptable. If these people have learned previously that it’s acceptable to do what they’re doing, then it’s time for you to let them know that it isn’t what you expect anymore, and that you deserve to be treated with respect.

It may be that you’ve gone down that road and things are still the same. In that case it really turns into two questions – “How else can I turn this around?” and “What am I prepared to do to turn things around?”

It starts with you, and perhaps the biggest question you need to answer is “What are the reasons I’ve chosen a partner who puts me down and why do I tolerate how my Mom and sister treat me?”

---

Sally sent me an update recently:

“Thank you for thinking of me. I think there are a lot of people who can relate to me & my situation. I can honesty say I am not the same person who wrote you a few months ago. My energy level has increased, my confidence levels have increased. I know I have no control of other people & what they say and do but I can control how it affects me. I believe the way they treat others is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. No one deserves to be degraded by another. We are all flesh & blood. No one is more superior than another. Some people might be richer, skinnier or more beautiful but it doesn’t make them a better person. Some people might have nothing…..(material)…and still have everything.

You might feel like someone has control of your life but as soon as you realize that when you look in that mirror & it’s only you…it’s your life…..you can make the first step in taking control of your life. Only you can make it happen.”

Nicely done Sally.

Don’t put up with being put down or made to feel small.
You deserve better.

The idea of responsibility is a simple one. The dictionary definition talks about ‘the state of being responsible’, ‘a burden of obligation’ and ‘reliability or dependability’.

Crikey, no wonder it’s something that frequently scares the bejeezus out of people. I don’t want a ‘burden of obligation’ – could that sound any more albatross-around-my-neck-ey? The concept seems to leave little room for fun or spontaneity.

But the bottom-line truth is this – you’re 100% responsible for your life and how you experience it.

That might sound like a cliche and it might even sound trite, but if you gloss over it I guarantee you’ll never get true inner confidence.

This is something I’ve personally grappled with, so I know it’s a toughie. In the past, the idea that I was wholly responsible for being on anti-depressants, for having a crappy career and for not having people in my life who I could turn to was something that wouldn’t even register with me. It was much easier to put some of the blame (at the very least) for where I was in life down to external factors – that damn company, my friends were shallow and too wrapped up in their own stuff, why hadn’t anyone discovered how amazing I was?

Blaming external factors meant that I could hope those factors could turn in my favour one day.

I was living in a very convenient state of denial. If where I was in my life was 100% down to me – 100% my responsibility – then apparently I was pretty much screwed.

What I now see is that I was, and am, 100% responsible for my life. Asking ‘Who’s to blame?’ at whatever level of consciousness shifts the focus from what we can do and puts it onto what’s been done to us. I’d cast myself as the victim, and in doing that I gave away all my power – which continued to damage my confidence and was exactly what I needed to keep close in order to change things.

I kinda like you, so I want to make sure you don’t go down the same road I did.

Please don’t assign blame, point your finger or ask ‘Whose fault is it?’. That’s a great way of disowning parts of your life and giving away your power, and that will only undermine what you’re capable of and your sense of who you are. Let that happen and you’ll strip your self-confidence bare.

(BTW, I’ve got a really quick exercise on this, so if you’d like me to send it through to you.)

Here’s an email I received towards the end of last year…

“I believe that I am experiencing low self-esteem. I am 29 years old and seemingly made some small accomplishments in my life, however I still have some hangups. I’m trying to find it within myself to feel better and change my thought process because I know that if I can change my thinking, I can change my life. I just need some help with the process.

I noticed in one of your articles you speak of getting out of your comfort zone. I have recently published a book of poetry and I think that I am going to get up and read at the open-mike this Saturday. Just so that I can do something that I have never done and that I am afraid to do. I believe a lot of my lowered self-esteem is due to things in my life that I haven’t followed through with or accomplished. I still have 2 classes to complete in college and I’m 30 next year. I recently got married to my college sweetheart of seven years. He has graduated, established a company and doing other things. I’m wondering if somehow maybe I feel like I don’t measure up to him. Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.“

Ebony

Congratulations on three things – 1. The publication of your poetry book, 2. Your marriage to your college sweetheart, and 3. Your awareness of what’s working and not working.

I get the impression of a good and rich life, but as you’ve seen a lack of self esteem or confidence can leak out into all areas of your life, and it seems that it’s colouring your view of things somewhat.

You’re talking yourself down a lot here. You’re down on yourself about not finishing college. You’re down on yourself about whether you’re good enough for your husband.

Look at the facts. You have a book published and have got married to someone who loves you for everything you are. That proves that you’re a real, whole, unique and worthwhile individual, and you haven’t even scraped the ceiling of what you’re capable of.

Increasing your confidence means that you need to be aware of what you’re doing that stops you from feeling confident, so write down exactly what you say to yourself to talk yourself down, talk you out of doing something or that makes you feel less than. If you were to train someone else to think like you, what step by step process would they have to go through to think and behave in the same way? What thought process would they have to go through in order for them to experience the same kind of low confidence as you? Write this process down, and you’ll see exactly what you’re doing that results in your lack of confidence and belief.

With an awareness of what holds you back comes choices about what to do next.

---

A couple of weeks later I heard from Ebony again…

“Thank you so much for the advice! That exercise about what path I would tell someone to follow to establish the same low self- esteem that I have was interesting. When I began to write them down, I couldn’t believe the things that I would be telling others to do. I am an Employment Specialist and these are exactly the opposite of what I tell my participants when they are looking for work. You know, I’ve also found that it seems easier for me to see the good in others than it is in myself. By the way I did read and I was frightened out of my mind. But, I didn’t die! So I guess I’ll live to do it again!“