So I just found a definition of the word “community” that I love, particularly considering that we’re smack bang in the middle of the Holidays.  It comes from the latin com, meaning “together” and munus meaning “gift or service”.

Together in gift, together in service, together in giving.

Good huh?  There’s obviously a clear emphasis on giving to others at this time of year – we buy gifts for our loved ones, we send cards, we cook meals and we give our time.  If you celebrate the Holidays then you’ll be used to giving at this time of year (even if it’s sometimes done grudgingly).

2 thoughts occur:

1. What happens to the “spirit of giving” that we see at Christmas during the rest of the year?
2. Isn’t the true worth of giving in giving without expectation?

For many people the giving dries up come December 26^th, and they go back to their lives to do the best they can.   The primary focus once again shifts from adding value to others to adding value to themselves.

Yes, sometimes it’s essential to draw your world inwards so you can deal with your own stuff, but sometimes that inwards instinct to recover, heal or learn can be better served by going outwards instead (a lesson I’ve learned myself over the years).

I’m all for being selfish, but if you’re part of the world – and you are – then you’re not just part of your own life or even your own family and friends, but you’re also part of the big “us”, the global community.

You’re already part of something

You’re a part of your local community, your business community, your professional community, your peer community, your social community, your health community, your belief community and any other kind of community you care to mention.

Plenty of com, not so much munus.

So as we’re all part of something bigger than ourselves, doesn’t that mean that we should be ready to give to it without expectation?  And if com munus is the original essence of community, then what kind of “together” matters enough to you for you to give to it without expectation?

That spirit of giving to something bigger than yourself is something I can’t quite put into words.  It’s just…immense.  And thrilling.  And magical.  And world-extraordinizing.

(Don’t get hung up on what you can give or the fear that you can’t afford to give or that what you give will be “wrong”.  Large or small, those gifts can be made from time, thoughts, efforts, strengths, talents, love, insights, actions or anything else that you have naturally).

So think about it – what and who are you going to give your gifts to next year?  What’s your com munus?

Ever feel like you’re a bit rubbish at networking or meeting new people?  Do nerves get in the way and stop you from being as open as you’d like to be?  Do you feel like you just scrape through it, but don’t really get to be yourself or make the most of the opportunity to connect?

Well, it’s not just you.  I had a conversation on Twitter recently with a guy who asked me about this exact problem, which really surprised me because I know him as an open, friendly and incredibly generous guy.  But I guess “real life” is different from Twitter (or so I’ve heard).

So in thinking about what makes this such a blind spot for people I thought of Guy Kawasaki‘s networking skills, a guy who (according to the latest figures) meets around twelvety million people every year.  He networks *a lot* with apparent ease and enthusiasm, so I wondered what might separate someone like Guy Kawasaki from someone who finds it difficult, and here’s what I came up with.

The nerves are not the problem

This nervousness doesn’t just belong to the “shy” – it’s universal.  We all become self-conscious when we think other people might be judging us, and it’s especially scary when you want or need to be at your best.  But the moment you start thinking that being nervous is a problem or something you need to fix is the moment you breathe new life into those nerves.  Your thoughts become fixed on the fact that you’re nervous and you go round in circles as you try to not be nervous.

What if you were supposed to be feeling nervous?  What if the nerves you’re feeling is the perfect response to the situation?

I love meeting new people and find it a heck of a lot of fun, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel nervous too.

Those nerves are just part of that whole fight or flight mechanic we have; a relic of the days when we’d drag home a platypus for dinner only to be jumped by a sabre-toothed tiger looking for a little duck-billed dinner.

It’s there to alert you of danger, but you have to recognize that the chances of being jumped by a sabre-toothed tiger are pretty remote.

The nerves are not a problem, your thinking that they’re a problem is the problem.

There is no spoon

There’s a bit in the movie The Matrix where Keanu Reeves tries to bend a spoon with his mind.  He holds the spoon and fixes his concentration on it, but nothing happens.  Then a kid who understands the nature of things tells him “”.  Nothing to bend.  He tries again, and the spoon bends.

That’s a little on the existential side, but the same thing goes for meeting new people.  Forget about the rules you think are in operation, because those rules will define your reality and you won’t be able to bend your spoon.

Think that you can’t go up to someone out of the blue and introduce yourself, and that rule will shape your behaviour.  Think that you always have to have the perfect thing to say and your mind will be racing to try to figure out what that perfect thing is.  Think that you have to fill a quiet space with something (anything) and you’ll appear nervous and twitchy.

The rules you impose create your experience of reality.  There is no spoon.

What if it didn’t matter?

Now there’s a question.  Forget for a minute about wanting to come across well, make a good impression or make the most of the opportunity.  What if it just didn’t matter?

I’m willing to bet that when you’re hanging out with your partner or best friend that you’re not thinking about how you’re coming across or what kind of impression you’re making.  You’re just there, talking naturally, being yourself.

The reason for that is that there’s no jeopardy.  There’s nothing at stake, nothing at risk, nothing that you stand to lose.

I’m a strong believer in adopting the same approach to meeting new people, regardless of how important the meeting might be.  That sense of jeopardy keeps you trapped in your own head, but remove your attachment to it and you can be fully in the moment.

It’s by being hootless that you can be at your best.

Be Generous

While giving out $20 bills to everyone  you meet will certainly get you a lot of friends, it’s not a great long term strategy.

What is a great, long term strategy is to be generous.  Generous with your time, skills, experience or spirit in whatever amount you can afford – being of service to someone else is what counts.  Don’t become a bottomless pit or a people pleaser, but I’m willing to bet the most awesome people you’ve met are the ones who gave something.

As I was wondering about all this I emailed Guy Kawasaki to ask him what was the single-most important part of meeting people for him.  He replied the next day – here’s what he said:

“Figuring out how I can help them”

Just the other day I was part of a fascinating Twitter conversation about moving on from a mentor or friend, which has now been turned into a mentorship round-table by the lovely Holly Hoffman.  What really intrigues me about this and what prompted me to write this post as part of the round-table , is how loss is integral to your life, how that loss is tightly woven with growth and how confidence is central to both.

Holly’s original tweet, which sparked my thoughts, went like this:

People Will Leave

First things first – you can’t keep connected to everyone forever – it’s an impossibility.  I can’t count the number of colleagues, friends and friends of friends who are now in my past, despite what I might have thought at the time.  Life always finds a way to move on, even if you don’t want it to.  Connections with people have beginnings , middles and endings and the expectation that you can make every relationship persistent will end up driving you loopy.  Some relationships atrophy naturally, it’s naive to think otherwise.

Some relationships last longer than others, for sure, and I’m a great believer that anything can be achieved through connections with other people, but the real value of your relationships is in each moment spent in that relationship, not in what might happen tomorrow or next year.

Having a mentor – whether in an official capacity or if it’s a friend, colleague or family member who has become something of a mentor to you – is an interesting relationship because an ending is implied.  At some point that mentor will have taught you all they can.  At some point you will have learned what you need to learn, and then either that relationship ends or it evolves into something else.

Over and above the natural atrophy of relationships are the times you make a conscious choice to leave a relationship behind you, and I think there are 2 big reasons to do that, whether they’re a mentor, a friend, an acquaintance or even a family member.

1. Being with them no longer serves you well, or worse, takes away from who you are.
2. The purpose of the relationship has run its course.

In the first scenario, you owe it to yourself to get out or be willing to pay an insanely high price for maintaining an unhealthy equilibrum.  In the second scenario you need to be radically honest with yourself about where you are in the context of the relationship, and be ready to make a decision if appropriate.  This doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationships ends completely (it might be appropriate to see how it can evolve with you) but it does mean the texture of the relationship you’ve had needs to change.

Have Confidence in Loss

Loss can feel crappy.  That’s especially true if you’ve forged a relationship with someone that’s opened your eyes, the kind of relationship that shapes what you can do and how you do it.  The kind of relationship that makes you purely grateful.

So saying “See ya” to that kind of relationship is hard, it’s scary and it’s sometimes painful.  That’s why a lot of people don’t do it, because the fear of losing something important is too great.

People lack confidence in loss.

The belief is that you need to keep these things close to you, to gather the things that have made you who you are and keep them closeby, for fear of losing who you are and what those things mean to you.  That’s a false belief, and it’s by holding onto those things that you start to place your self-esteem and self-confidence in the wrong places.

The more you keep the things you stand to lose close to you, the more they define your thinking and colour your experience.  The act of holding on to those things becomes more important than what they once offered you, and that will surely hurt your self-confidence.

Your value and your confidence is not dependent on having those things close by – it’s dependent on using and even celebrating what they’ve taught you.

And besides the relationship itself, there are a heap of other things you stand to lose when you start out on a mentoring relationship.  You might lose the comfort and routine’s you’re used to if you’re challenged to start doing something differently.  You might lose a sense of balance or control that those routines and lifestyle have offered you.  You might stand to lose an old belief or an old way of looking at things.  Or you might stand to lose an out-dated sense of who you are.  All of these losses can feel scary, and all can feel significant.

Significance, Resonance & Importance

As Holly’s original tweet demonstrates, you wouldn’t be human without a twinge of sadness or melancholy when leaving something / someone behind or letting go of a relationship, but it often has an odd ring of significance and resonance too.  That’s the part you can almost taste; it’s thick and sweet like honey.

The significance, resonance and importance of leaving a key relationship behind you is down to the meaning attached to the act.  It means you’ve grown.  You’ve grown to the point where you need something bigger, where the old patterns no longer nourish you and where you feel like you need to play a bigger game.

That’s what I find strangely beautiful about it, because there’s a moment of nature that happens where a step change is reached in your life.  A moment where you feel you’re bigger than you were, a moment where you need to experience the results of that growth in your everyday life, rather than just preparing yourself for it.  I’m hesitant to use the cliched analogy of a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis, but, oh, would you look at that, I’ve just used it.

So that resonance is the important part, not the loss that might happen as a result.  The butterfly doesn’t mourn the loss of the chrysalis that’s facilitated its transformation, it just starts using its wings.

Confidence Runs Through It

It probably won’t surprise you when I say how strongly I believe that confidence runs through all of this.  It’s the bedrock that supports the river.

It takes self-confidence to decide you want or need a mentor without second-guessing yourself or believing it lessens you somehow if you can’t climb the mountain alone.  It takes self-confidence to ask someone to mentor you without fearing rejection or fearing the success that might happen as a result of the mentoring.  It takes self-confidence to really engage with a mentor relationship and to challenge it when you want to challenge it rather than taking everything you’re told as gospel.

And it takes self-confidence to leave a friend or mentor – or an old way of doing things – when things change or when the relationship no longer works, without  fearing the loss or what might happen next.

I believe that a good mentor won’t just teach you a skill, they’ll teach you how to be confident in applying that skill.  A great mentor will teach you how to celebrate the step change when it’s time to spread your wings.

I can have someone mentor me in in playing chess for example, but until I trust my ability to play well, find value in the game of chess itself and honestly believe that I can win, I’ll never play at the top of my game.

Without confidence in what you’ve learned, it’s all for nothing.

What’s your experience of leaving a friend or mentor behind you?  Let me know in the comments.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but there are other people out there who are better than you are.

Hey, I’m just the messenger, if you wanna shoot anything why not shoot that belief that this simple fact is a bad thing?

See, the brutal truth is that there will always be someone who’s bigger, faster, wiser, cleverer, more successful, more entertaining, more insightful and more able than you in something you do.  There are exceptions of course – some folks are in the elite where they’re simply the best in their field at what they do.  If you’re in that group then that’s bloody brilliant, really it is.

But even if you’re the best damn entrepreneur, Mum, CEO, designer or chef in the world, there’s someone else who’s going to be a better singer than you.  Or better at building rapport.  Or better at golf.

Does that take away from your ability?

Among other things I pride myself on my sense of humour, and I have a bit of a reputation as a funny bloke (funny ha-ha, not funny weird).  But when there’s another funny guy at the table it suddenly turns into a competition, and I find myself determined to prove just how damn funny I am.  Laugh, damn you, laugh.

I’ve learned from this situation and from others (and continue to learn) that I need to stop comparing and contrasting.

Nobody can be the best at everything, but that doesn’t stop some people seeing others who are better at something than they are and saying, “Why aren’t I as good as them?”, “Geez, I must really suck.”, etc, etc.

Here’s the important part.  The fact that other people will always be better than you does not take away from what you’re top-of-the-tree-a-number-one brilliant at.  In fact, it’s often a great idea to surround yourself by people who are smarter, faster, more experienced and better at something than you – that’s a great way to learn and it’s a great model for achieving success.

For that to to happen you need to stop judging yourself as “better” or “worse” than other people, which means you start thinking of yourself less, rather than thinking less of yourself.

And that my friend, is a sure-fire way to unbreakable confidence.

I’ll be honest with you, I haven’t slept around half as much as other guys my age.

I love to flirt, but I’ve never been one of those guys who’s gone to a bar, picked up a girl and taken her back to my place to make the beast with 2 backs.  Maybe my use of the phrase ‘beast with 2 backs‘ has something to do with that.

Truth is, I’m just not comfortable pursuing sex for the sake of having sex.  That’s just not who I am, but there are single guys out there who are sexually ubiquitous and predatorial.  Bed-hopping, skirt chasing, alpha-males.

I look at guys like that and while there’s a little part of me that wonders if they’re trying to avoid something or whether there’s any real depth, there’s another part that applauds their lasse-faire attitude and yet another that would secretly love to get that much action.

And here’s the double standard.

These guys are out there having fun and are regarded as ‘studs’.  If a woman does the same thing, you can bet that the word ‘slut’ will be used.

I’m sorry to say I’ve been guilty of this double-standard myself, but have recently changed my thinking on it.  For me the question is this – when you’re a confident, single woman who’s sexually active, at what point does your behaviour turn you into a ‘slut’?

Penelope Trunk recently told her blog readers about a younger guy she was sleeping with, and looking at the comments the opinions vary between ‘incredible‘, ‘hear, hear‘, ‘intelligent and candid‘ to ‘selfish whore‘, ‘emotionally damaged‘ and ‘crazy‘.

I don’t know Penelope well enough to know her motivations, but I do know that she’s a smart cookie who has the right to have sex with whoever she wants.

And that’s the point here.  When a single guy with no relationship goes out and gets regular sex it’s accepted, respected, and even applauded(H&L).  When a woman in the same situation goes out and gets regular sex it attracts controversy and widely differing opinions.

While I think it’s perfectly okay for a confident woman to get slutty, that same woman doesn’t want to be a slut.  There’s a big difference.

Of course, the word ‘slut’ is only applied to a woman by other people.  It’s a label intended to hurt that an individual attaches to a woman based on a perceived pattern of behaviour, and as that perception is based on their own values and experience it can’t fully appreciate the personal context.

That in itself renders the term somewhat moot, as it’s based purely on personal dogma, but for me the truth of the matter is this.

If a confident woman sleeps with a guy in order to validate herself (as a woman, as a success, as an equal player or even as ‘confident’) then she’s crossed a line.

Trading sex for validation clearly indicates that something’s up, and that’s where other people can make the slut-judgement.

Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a slut, but it does mean that she’s pursuing sex for all the wrong reasons and developing a link between sex and self-validation.  That’s not healthy, in anyone’s book.

For most people sex is just sex – but it’s easy to end up with a tangled knot of feelings and expectations around it.  If you think sex will validate you as a woman, think again.  If you think sex will lead to a deep relationship, think again.  If you think that having sex will get you the guy, think again.  If you think that sex will bring you love, think again.

True confidence is being clear and honest about your motivations and making your decisions, no matter how impulsive or seemingly crazy, from that place of self-awareness.

Know who you are and what you’re comfortable with, then live it.

It looks like my relationship with Uma isn’t going to happen after all.  Damn it.

I really thought we could have had something special.

So having that particular fantasy of mine quashed, I’m left with an uncomfortable reality.  I’m still single.

I say ‘uncomfortable’, for the simple reason that I’d actually like to have someone around to share stuff with.  You know, a girlfriend.  The uncomfortable part is knowing there’s something I want, something that matters to me, that I don’t have.

Even more uncomfortable is knowing that I can’t completely control it.  I could go out this afternoon, slip some Rohypnol into a pretty girls’ cup of coffee, take her back to mine, dress her up as Uma and tell her that she’s my wife now, but unless she wanted to play along I don’t think there would be much of a future in it.

So I can’t just decide to head out this afternoon and find myself a girlfriend, because 50% of that is down to someone else.  To move from being single to being in a relationship there’s a gap to cross – I need to move from where I am now to where I want to be.

That takes 2 things – a shift in behaviour and some time.

To get something I don’t have right now I have to do something I’m not doing right now.

And that’s the thorny bit.  You see, I’m a little too comfortable in my singleness.  I have a carefully balanced life where my coaching, my writing and my freelancing take up pretty much all my time, and my down-time between those things is extremely important to me.

The other day I joked with a friend that the only ‘free’ time I have is between 3pm and 6pm on Sundays.  I caught up with this friend between 3pm and 6pm last Sunday.

So where’s the room for dating?  Well, there isn’t any.

So I’m faced with a question – what happens when there’s no room for what matters?  I don’t know the answer to that, I honestly don’t.

I need to give space to coaching, writing and freelancing if I’m to build a business that matters to me and keep a roof over my head, so I can’t see that I’ll be able to drop something to give me more time.  And with my post-viral thing continuing, my down-time needs to be just that – down-time.

So while some socialising is fine, I have to be careful about when I head out to bars, restaurants or social events, because burning the candle at both ends doesn’t work for me physically.

Which still leaves me with a problem to solve.  As I can’t find an answer to the problem I’m going to do something else instead – I’m going to let myself off the hook.  I’m not going to beat myself up because I don’t have answer, and instead I’m going to shift my attitude.

This shift in attitude is one that I need to make for my own sanity and for my own self-confidence.

I haven’t been willing to cross that gap I mentioned because of a perception that it would throw my balance off or send my health plummeting – and while both of those things are entirely possible I think at the centre of it is fear.

And behind all of that, if I’m honest, is your good, ol’ fashioned fear of rejection.

All of that means that I’ve been emotionally closed to dating and haven’t made a dent on closing that gap.

Real confidence means that you can let go, and I haven’t done that with dating because I was clouded with fears about rejection, my health and the balance I have.

I haven’t trusted myself to deal with things in my romantic life and the impact they could have on other parts of my life, and as my dating muscles haven’t been exercised for a good while my confidence in that area has been hit.

I’ve continued to flirt like a trouper (I could win awards for flirting) because I know that it’s is a safe route, free from any risky decisions, and that it makes me believe I’m doing something constructive.

Instead, no matter whether it ends in marriage or in a tear-soaked pillow, I have to lighten the hell up and trust that I can make more active choices about dating and still be just fine.  I know that’s true, so now I have to shift my attitude accordingly.

It’s about being open to the possibility, to the potential for something unexpected to happen.

I think that confidence and self-trust is vital in dating, because it’s that very thing that means you’ll be willing to go for it, simply because there’s potential for something amazing to happen.

What do you think?

I find confident women really sexy.  Sure, it helps if they look good in a pair of jeans or a business suit and have a beautiful face I could just look into all day long, and I’m a sucker for tousled hair too.

I’m remarkably shallow like that.  You won’t believe the trouble I had picking out the pictures for this post.

But there’s something about a confident woman that turns my head every time.  No matter how I look at it, confidence is a very sexy quality.

I think you’d probably agree with me, and the attractiveness of confident people is something that’s been written about widely for many years.

What’s more interesting to me is why confidence is sexy.  What is it about confidence that people find attractive, and what is it that draws me in?

Here’s why confidence is sexy…

They’re just fine with who they are.

Real confidence is trusting yourself no matter what, and that quality in someone means there’s a sense of comfort that isn’t there otherwise.

That’s incredibly powerful and incredibly alluring.

That ease and comfort oozes out of someone.  You can see it and feel it just by being around them, even for a minute or two.  They’ll smile easier, their body language will be more open and they’ll be more emotionally and intellectually open too.

Perhaps most importantly, when you have real self-trust it means that you’re ready and willing to go somewhere special.  It means the adventure can begin.

How damn sexy is that?!

I don’t have to control it.

I’m naturally a bit of a control freak – being self-employed and living alone has taught me organise all the stuff in my life and to know what’s happening when, and how.

So the last thing I want in a relationship it to do the same thing.

I think an important part of a relationship – of being with someone emotionally, spiritually and physically – is letting go. That’s not the same thing as sitting on the couch, ordering pizza and having a colostomy bag fitted to avoid those tiring toilet trips.  Not the same thing at all.

True confidence means that we can both let go of the need to control it.  It means that I can have things be easy and comfortable and be at my best and it means that we can both trust ourselves, and each other, to move forwards.

I call it free-fall.

You see the real person.

I’ve already said that confidence is about being comfortable with who you are, way down deep.  So if someone’s truly confident there isn’t the same need to hide behind walls or put masks on to please others.

Confident people won’t necessarily show you everything of themselves all at once – quite the contrary, there’s still the process of engaging with someone and getting to know them – but with confidence you not only get to see more of who they really are, but there’s no rush or “right way” to do it.

This works physically too, because you get to see their natural style.  I love to see this, and I’ve worked with someone this year who’s confident enough to let her own style come through, and she’s damn sexy.  Even though she wears what she feels comfortable in and isn’t a slave to fashion, she always looks amazing and whatever she’s wearing just works with who she is.  It’s genius.

Physicality is just what we do

We’re mammals, don’t ya know.  I’ve got 2 arms, a torso with nipples on it and 2 legs with a penis between ’em.  You’ve got your bits and pieces too.

I don’t mean to put you off your muffin, but the point is that we’re physical beings and live in our bodies all day long.  We eat, we breathe, we exercise, we have sex, we sleep (not always in that order).

Confidence means that you’re aware of your needs physically just as much as you know your needs professionally, emotionally and in every other respect.

I always think that being physical with someone is like playtime; it’s a way of exploring each other, giving pleasure to someone else and a way for both people to let go.  It doesn’t have to be serious – sex is supposed to be fun after all – and I think being truly confident allows you not to take things so seriously.

A touch, a breath, a stroke or a nibble is just another way of being playful and expressing yourself.

This doesn’t mean you have to be a sexual predator – I’m actually quite shy when it comes to my bedroom antics (which means I won’t tell you about the Icelandic poledancer) – all it means is that you’re willing to let your body go as well as your mind.  I for one am all for it.

I’m interested to know what you think – does confidence do it for you too?

I just had an embarrassing text exchange with a girl I met late last year.  Or I should say, it was embarrassing for her.

We’d already had one date that didn’t go so well and we were due to meet up before Christmas, but had to cancel because we were both feeling rotten.  I sent her a text her saying that it was a shame, saying that “I bet you’re as cute as home made shoes at Christmas” and that we should hook up early in the New Year.  I love a little text flirting.

She texted back saying “Compliments and I don’t even know your name yet?”

She’d obviously taken my number off her phone.

Doh.

She sent me a text this morning, and the ensuing text conversation went something like this –

“Good morning – hope you had an exciting Christmas.  So you going to tell me your name?  Then maybe we can meet up?”

“It’s Steve ya dozey mare!  Had a lovely Christmas btw – you?”

“Steve? May need more of a clue? Can only think of 2 I know and thinking you’re neither”

“Holy moley.  It’s Steve – the guy who took you to brunch at Smithfields.  Have you been hit on the head?”

And then….silence….

It was obvious that she didn’t want my texts to be from either of the Steve’s she already knew (i.e. me and some other guy), and it was clear that she was hoping there was another Steve she’d met who could sweep her off her feet.

Apparently that first date was worse than I thought… I guess some girls just don’t like guys who look like they have Black Death, sheesh, talk about fussy.

The shy English gent in me thought it best to just leave it alone and not reply to her — the whole phone-deletion thing sends a pretty clear message and I didn’t want her to feel awkward, but I thought “What the hell” and told her who I was.

I should have felt a little embarrassed myself, but didn’t.  I knew she’d probably feel a little foolish, but then that’s the risk with flirting and dating.

This year I want to go on a bunch of dates and meet someone, and if that means risking life, limb and a little embarrassment, then I’m up for it.

If it means that I get my heart broken, then at least I’ve got enough confidence and guts to be out there and take a gamble.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

My Christmas could turn into something you might watch on Eastenders or remind you of the Griswalds.

My nephew came out recently and is bringing his Eastern European partner to meet my family on Christmas Day, including my close-to-being-homophobic and hugely anti-immigrant father.  Not only that, but my nephews Dad (they don’t get on) — my sister’s ex-husband — is coming along too, having split from his new partner who’s spending Christmas with their daughter.  We haven’t seen him in 7 years.

It could make for an interesting Christmas, or it could end up with the Errey family rolling around on the floor with black eyes and bloody noses.

I’m sure that a lot of you will be sharing some seasonal anxiety too, so here are my tips for confidently handing a potentially stressful family Christmas.

1. Adjust your expectations.

If you expect everything to be perfect and to go like clockwork, you’re backing the wrong horse.  In fact, they’d have put that horse down some time ago.

If you have unrealistic expectations you’re going to get stressed, angry and upset when they don’t happen.

You’re only setting yourself up for a big disappointment, so change your expectations so you expect the odd hiccup, and choose to laugh about them rather than stress about them – laughter goes a long way.

2. Go with the flow.

Forget about what Nigella or Martha says – the tree doesn’t have to have every bauble hung perfectly, the roast potatoes don’t have to be like Gordon Ramsay’s and you don’t have to be the perfect host.

Relax, step back and recognise what’s important about Christmas for you.

What is it that makes Christmas special and magical? I guarantee it’s nothing to do with how many cheeses are on the cheese board or whether dinner is half an hour late to the table. It’s about togetherness, warmth, laughter and lightness.

Give yourself a break, relax and enjoy the good stuff.

3. Deal with family issues later.

Christmas isn’t the best time to sort out all your problems with family and friends.

Nobody wants to argue and fight at Christmas so do what you need to do to put family issues to one side – even for a few hours — and deal with them another time.

Find a good opportunity to tell key people that you want to put your differences aside – it worked for the English and Germans in World War I for heavens sakes.

Also remember that you don’t have to spend every waking moment with family if you don’t want to. If you find yourself going mad, take a break, go for a walk or visit a friend — don’t get over-exposed.

4. Do things in the right spirit.

What I’ve learned is that the best way of feeling fulfilled and magical at Christmas is to give without attachment to the outcome.

Yes, I know that sounds pretty cheesy (like something Mickey Rooney would say in a Disney Christmas family movie), but I promise you it’s true.

Some people might moan about their gifts and others may take their stresses out on you. There’s nothing you can do about those things but you can choose how to be and how you want to feel.

People would much rather spend time with you when you’re relaxed and generous of heart rather than seeing you wound up and stressed, so make a choice that puts you at your best and most generous of spirit.

Am I worried about my potentially challenging (and even comically disastrous) Christmas?

Nope.

That’s simply because I know my family well enough to know that we can let our hair down and have fun, and that any personal issues people might have are nowhere near as important as the family relationships we value so much.

I can’t wait for Christmas Day.

I like people to be happy. Not in a creepy Richard Simmonds kind of a way; it’s more of a Lisa Simpson or Oprah kind of thing.

Sometimes I might go out of my way to please someone, put a smile on someone’s face or help them out with a problem. Does that make me a people pleaser? In her article “8 Tips to Reverse Over-Pleaser’s Syndrome“, executive coach Suzy Girard-Ruttenberg got me thinking as to my motivations and made me question whether I am, in fact, suffering from Over-Pleaser Syndrome.

I want to give people a good experience of me. What does no good to anyone – and specifically, me – is going around giving people a bad experience of what it’s like to be around me. I could go around and snap at people, be an energy vampire who leaves people drawn and withered or be as self-obsessed as Paris Hilton at a group therapy meeting for shoe-addicts.

So yes, I want people to have a good experience of me. I want people to experience me at my best. The thing is that sometimes that means I miss out on something because I’m spending more time and energy with someone else than I counted on.

Just yesterday, in my new freelance gig in London, a couple of pieces of work hit the rails, skidded down a muddy bank and rammed into a tree. I spent all day helping two very capable colleagues solve the problem, doing whatever I could to give them what they needed to find the right solutions.

I took it on myself to help them, support them and create a space where they could work on the answers. As a result I had no time to make a couple of key phone calls that would start the ball rolling to getting me work in New York City next year. I had no time to call my broadband supplier, who’ve failed to get my broadband back up and running for the last 6 days (grrrrr). I had no time to call my friend Zoe about hooking up for a glass of wine over the weekend. And I had no time for the nice lunch I had planned.

Yes, as a Producer part of my job is to provide an environment where people can do their best work, but I didn’t spot a couple of things and felt like I had to facilitate the solutions.

Does that mean I’m suffering from OPS?

Suzy Girard-Ruttenberg might think so, as she describes it as leading to “weaker bottom lines, withering work schedules and advanced No-Life Disorder.”

But I don’t believe it does.

I knew what I was doing, you see. I made some conscious decisions that lead to the course of action that I took. And yes, that course of action meant that I had to change my plans and didn’t get to the things I wanted to. But what’s interesting is that I felt good when I left the office, like I’d been at my best and done some damn good work.

There’s a difference – a bloody great big difference, as big as a Big Thing in a Big Contest on Big Day in Bigsville – between making a deliberate choice based on a frank awareness of the situation and suffering from OPS.

I’ve worked with a whole load of people who’ve been habitual over-pleasers. It renders them exhausted but forces them to keep on running, it makes them chase more pleased expressions at the expense of their own.

Over-pleasers aren’t fully aware of the impact of their decisions. They’re not aware of this simple equation –

Whatever you say “Yes” to, means that you’re saying “No” to something else

Over-pleasers experience a pay-off in pleasing others and so their sub-conscious makes the choice to over-please people in an effort to get more of that pay-off. It’s not a decision based on a frank awareness of the situation or the Yes/No equation, and the pay-off in over-pleasing is no match for the hit your confidence and self-esteem will take.

It’s okay to please people, as long as it’s a conscious, deliberate choice, and in my experience it adds to your self-esteem to do that.

How does the the ‘Yes/No/ equation work in your own life? Are you an over-pleaser? And how is all of this affecting your confidence and self-esteem?