My trip to NYC certainly put the wind back into my sails. I love cities. I love walking around them, I love sitting in a bar chatting with the locals, I love discovering a great little coffee shop or restaurant, I love wandering down a side street that looks interesting, I love the sounds and smells and the way the air smells different. I love getting under the skin of a city.

So spending time in one of the most amazing cities on the planet reinvigorated and recharged me.

The day after I got back I was at a party in London, and despite being a little upset at being home I was having a blast catching up with a load of good people. I’m chatting to everyone and getting involved like I love to do, and I ended up spending a lot of the night chatting with a woman who I’d never met before.

I’m flirting like a trooper, and at the end of the night I point blank ask her for her number. Now, my friends will tell you that that’s really not my style. At all. I love to flirt, but I can actually be quite shy with women and I’m certainly no pick-up artist.

That night though, I didn’t’ even think about whether I was going to ask for her number or not. I just did it because I loved talking with her, found her fascinating and she just happened to be incredibly cute. The fact that I was recharged and operating at my best meant that I was free to make bold choices that serve me well. And it worked.

My point is that it’s easy to forget to do the bold thing when you become constrained by what you think is normal or what you think is expected. I’m as guilty of sometimes forgetting that as much as the next guy or gal.

“Boldness has genius, power and magic in it” – Goethe

It’s an old and pretty much overused quotation, but it’s a valid message. Doing the bold thing will always take you a little bit out of your comfort zone, simply because being bold means stepping outside of the rules you’ve created to allow yourself to be spontaneous and improvise.

I’m frequently bold when it comes to my career – I’ve made all kinds of things happen just by being bold enough (and cheeky enough) to drop people emails directly, to ask for what I’m looking for or make connections with the right people.

I forgot to be bold in my love life

True confidence frees you up to do the bold thing; the thing that takes you that little bit further, the thing that puts a little more magic into your life.

I’m a big fan of magic and boldness, and I’m looking forward to seeing my new “friend” again soon.

My sisters have always been in relationships. As far back as I care to remember there have always been boyfriends and husbands in tow, and when one relationship ended the next started up pretty soon after. Now, I love my sisters to pieces and I’m amazed at how strong they are and how much more they know about life than me, but this whole constantly-being-in-a-relationship thing has always puzzled me.

I’ve seen it with friends and clients too – always bouncing from one relationship to the next with little time between to enjoy being single. No time to just be “you” rather than “the two of you”.

It’s like there’s something uncomfortable about being single for some people, as if being outside a relationship leaves them out in the cold, not knowing what to do. I think there’s a fear that if they leave themselves in singledom they won’t find anyone else who’ll accept them, or that now they’re single they find who they are to be unacceptable.

When single, these people loose confidence in their ability to be themselves; they don’t trust that they can lead their life by themselves. If you’re one of these people who are most self-confident in a relationship, read on.

While you might be immensely capable in other parts of their lives, in a relationship your self-definition (and consquently your self-esteem) is based on who you are in that relationship and what other roles you have in your life – friend, mother, sister, etc. Outside of the relationship that definition goes and you’re left with a sense that you’re in the wrong place or even that you’re the wrong person.

I’ve worked with clients who seem to have a great life and a great relationship, but who come to me wanting to know just who the hell they are. The relationship they thought they wanted came from the need to be accepted and the fear that they won’t be.

The trick is to find a solid sense of who you are and what you’re about, a sense that no matter what happens – relationship or no relationship – you’ll be just fine. The trick is to want to be in a relationship because of everything it brings to the table and everything it allows you to be and do, not because you need to be in a relationship.

This means being brutally honest about what fears you have about being single, and finding a way to be okay with that fear. Entering into a relationship because you’re scared of what might happen if you don’t sounds pretty silly, doesn’t it? Entering into a relationship because you know how much you want to be in it strikes me as the most wonderful thing possible.

Me? My problem’s the reverse.

I’m a single guy, and to be brutally honest with you I’ve been single for longer than I’d care to be. I know in my bones that I don’t need a relationship and that my happiness isn’t dependent on being in one. Yes, there have been times in the past when I dearly wanted to be in a relationship and I opened up and made myself vulnerable to try to make that happen.

Unfortunately for me those relationships didn’t work out, which obviously sucked big time. As defensive and private as I am it’s no surprise that my big fear is being vulnerable and being rejected, but I know that allowing myself to be vulnerable is what I need to do to be in the kind of relationship I want, and that’s okay with me.

Whether you’re scared of being single or scared of entering into a relationship, it takes true confidence to take a course of action that scares you half to death.

So there I was, chowing down on a sandwich and sipping a glass of wine outside the Covent Garden Hotel last week, when a car pulls up, and out comes Uma Thurman who’s greeted by a couple of people waiting at the Hotel entrance just 6 feet away from me.

I nearly choked on my chicken club.

Now, as my friends will tell you, I think Uma’s stunning. She’s absolutely gorgeous, with a great body of work (cough) and (I imagine) a sharp mind and sparkly personality. I’ve joked for a long time that Uma and me would be very happy together, never thinking I’d be choking on a sandwich just an arms length away from her.

Into the Hotel she goes, and I text everyone I know telling them who I just saw. 30 minutes or so later I walk through the restaurant on my way back from the bathroom, and pass her in the doorway as she walks into the restaurant, obviously having gotten changed and freshened up, and looking just amazing.

I pause as she continues walking by me, thinking to myself “Say something funny and engaging Steve, for Christ’s sake. Go on, bowl her over…”

Of course, I didn’t think of anything and didn’t even go for the “Hi, my name’s Steve” angle. So I leave the Hotel, throwing a couple of glances behind me, not having plucked up the courage to say something to one of my favourite actresses and one of the most stunning women on the planet (IMHO).

I bottled it. I persuaded myself that I shouldn’t do anything, and persuaded myself that I’d end up looking like a complete, star-struck idiot (which is exacty what I was). Faced with a fantasy situation that had suddenly become reality, my confidence escaped me.

Did I blow it? Did I throw away my one chance to say hi, get a photo with her, even have a little conversation with her? Is it possible to say something in that situation without looking like a total jerk and getting thrown out by security?

You know what? I doubt she’d have invited me to lunch, to her room or to live with her in LA, but I bet I could have got a smile out of her (I can be pretty charming when I try), even just a small one before getting thrown out. So should I have plucked up the courage to say something even if it meant crashing and burning?

I’ve been reading about how successful women are outclassing their male counterparts and remaining single, and who’d have thunk it, I have something to say about that.

The article on MSN says that successful women remain single for two main reasons. Firstly that they intimidate men, who would rather take the alpha role in the relationship and find it hard (or impossible) to give that role to the woman. The second reason is that they’re time-poor, with their careers and interests swallowing up swathes of time and preventing them from meeting eligible guys.

Both of those reasons make sense, but there’s an elephant in the room.

A bloody great big elephant.

Where does success come from? It comes from making decisions that take you on a journey that matters, and demands that you engage with what’s happening and make the journey a priority.

Success is about finding your own path and making a deep decision to follow it.

That, coupled with today’s climate where performance and consistency are revered in completely skewed ways, means that a high degree of self-reliance is required to be successful. If you don’t make it happen, even through delegation, negotiation or inspiration, then it won’t happen.

Then throw in the continuing pressure to be (particularly with the current conditions) and the American predilection for independence and optimism, an it’s no wonder that you learn to take responsibility for getting things done at an increasingly young age.

You become a tool for your own success, and it’s through your actions and decisions that you keep that tool sharpened.

This all forges a self-reliance that becomes embedded in your bones. And that’s a hard habit to break.

It’s this habit that makes it all the more difficult to give space in your life to a relationship which you’re (at best) just 50% in control of.

The elephant in the room is that the control, independence and self-reliance that have become tools for achieving success in today’s world, are the very things that need to be compromised in order to nurture a meaningful relationship with a future.

I work with a whole load of women who’re successful professionally, but who are less confident in their personal lives – and it stems from the same habit. I see this a lot, and the truth is that I’ve also learned to be ultra-independent and have a hard time making that compromise too. I work on managing it, and I’m confident that I can let it go for the right person.

Let me know how you deal with self-reliance and relationships.

Earlier today I was walking down the street, heading into town to get some lunch. Coming towards me from the other direction was a couple I used to hang out with a couple of years ago, who I met through mutual friends. We got closer and closer and as we approached I smiled, said ‘Hi, how are you‘, and they reciprocated. I kept walking past them, but I saw them slow down and nearly stop, obviously thinking that we were going to stop and have a chat.

I kept on walking, because this very situation is what the fantastic Larry David calls the , and it’s perhaps the most significant thing I’ve learned from Curb Your Enthusiasm (besides checking and double checking the spelling every time I write the word ‘aunt’).

I could have stopped and chatted, sure, but I knew full well that it’s been so long since I saw this couple that we’d only be able to exchange some polite chit-chat that would slowly become more awkward right up to the point where one of us makes the brave move of saying ‘Anyway, I’ll let you get on now‘ and we all thankfully go on our way.

I rarely stop and chat these days, unless the it’s for one of 3 reasons – someone I miss; someone I’d love to reconnect with or someone who I know it would make a good difference to.

This might sound selfish; I call it pragmatic.

I don’t need to stop and chat to make sure that other people think I’m a good guy. I don’t need to stop and chat to validate my belief that I’m an okay bloke. And I don’t need to stop and chat in an effort to please everyone.

The reality is that I can’t please everyone and I don’t need to stay in touch with everyone I’ve ever met, particularly when the relationship was only perfunctory anyway. I’m confident enough to not stop and chat, so thanks LD for putting a name to this for me.

As a single guy on St Valentines Day, romance, relationships, couples and love are things that are hard to escape. Whether you like it or not the trappings of St Valentines Day can be seen everywhere.

Now, I’ll put my hands up right now and tell you that I’m not the greatest person at romantic relationships. I’ve screwed up my fair share, pushed people away to protect myself and run around in circles wondering how things ‘should’ be done.

Since I’ve been coaching I’ve learned a heck of a lot about relationships. I know that it’s important to know what you really need from a relationship; I know that you need to be in a place where you feel ready to be in a partnership with someone; I know you need to open up your baggage so that it doesn’t weigh you down or steer things in the wrong direction; I know that relationships aren’t about blaming someone else for what’s wrong or wanting to be right; I know that the things you like and love about your partner are what matter, not what you don’t like, and I know that it’s important for you to take care of yourself in a relationship and that sometimes that means that you have to make tough choices to do the best thing for you.

But what I’ve also learned is that all of that stuff is useless without one thing.

All those tips, all that advice, all those traps and all those checks and balances mean nothing unless you agree to do one thing –

Be ready to make it up as you go along.

Love isn’t about game playing and it isn’t about logic. Relationships and the whole “loving someone” thing are scary, confusing and unpredictable. They’re often the most unreasonable and illogical things we humans have to deal with.

I call it ‘freefall’ because there’s a point where you simply have to let yourself go; a point where you have to loosen your grip and let gravity take its course. Freefall takes a lot of self-confidence – you have to trust yourself pretty darn well, be willing to take risks and have a big bag full of courage ready to go.

So on this St. Valentines Day, throw away the rules, throw away the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and forget about what ‘should’ happen, how you ‘should play things’ or how you ‘should’ feel.

Be willing to make it up as you go along. Be willing to let your heart play a bigger role. Be willing to admit that you don’t know what you’re doing and be willing to take a chance.

As far as love goes, we’re all in the same boat. Play from the heart.

There are certain challenges in building your self-confidence, like sweeping away old roles and expectations, silencing that voice that criticises your every move and – when you get right down to it – figuring out just who the heck you really are.

That’s sometimes made more difficult by the people around you, and some men in particular have a hard time dealing with confident women. Here’s what I’ve seen.

1. In the workplace a lot of men will use the word ‘bitch‘ to describe a confident woman. Other words I’ve heard guys use in the past (believe it or not) are ‘lesbian’ and ‘frigid’. Sure, it’s only a pocket of men that think this way and those are likely to be throwaway (albeit ignorant) comments, but it speaks to a lot of mens inability to deal with confident and successful women on a level playing field.

   I certainly hope that your contemporaries will think of you as nothing other than capable and bright, but a certain breed of co-worker and some old school management won’t know how to deal with you.

2. Socially, the Average Joe will see a confident woman and experience a mixture of attraction and feeling threatened by them. I’m not necessarily talking about sexual attraction (although many guys are turned on by a confident woman) but a platonic attraction based on the air of wholeness that confidence brings. Mix in a little fear about it being more likely that they’ll be rejected by a confident, together woman and not knowing what role they should play (the manly man, the sensitive soul, the joker, etc), and a lot of men will start a bizzare little performance based on what they think will impress the socks off the woman in question. “You might be confident and successful, but check out what I can do“.
   
   Again, your contemporaries are going to be more relaxed and at ease, but the chances are that a confident and successful woman who’s out at a social event will engender these responses.

3. If a guy is in a romantic relationship with a confident and successful woman it’ll be for one of two reasons depending on what kind of guy he is. One guy will be genuinely attracted by you as a person, loves who you are and respects what you’ve achieved. That’s a Very Good Thing.
   
   Another guy will see you as a challenge. This kind of guy tricks himself into believing he wants to be in a relationship for all the right reasons, but the real reason is that he’s hoping some of what you have rubs off on him. He hopes that by being with you he’ll share your success and be more at ease with himself. Either that, or he’s the type of guy who’s motivated by the challenge of sleeping with successful and confident women. Either way, they’re looking to boost their own ego’s by being with you.

Let me spell it out for you. None of this is your problem. Do not change who you are because other people seem to be having a hard time knowing how to relate to you.

That’s not to say that you should run around like a bull in a china shop pissing off everyone you come into contact with, and of course there are times when it’s important to consider others. But that doesn’t mean that you need to compromise on who you are or what you’re capable of, and it doesn’t mean you have to squeeze yourself into a box based on others’ expectations.

Sometimes an attitudinal shift on your part will work wonders, sometimes an honest conversation with a positive outlook will do the job, but most of the time it’s simply about being nice.

”Steve, 3 months ago I moved a friendship on to the next level and now it’s ended pretty badly. We were fooling around anyway and I really liked the guy, so I took a risk and told him how I felt. This was met by total silence for a couple of days before eventually receiving an email from him saying that he’d love for us to get together. Not hearing from him after I asked him out rang alarm bells, but we launched into a girlfriend/boyfriend thing that seemed to be going fine until just after Christmas.

He said he couldn’t be in a relationship with me, and told me that since splitting up with his wife 2 years ago he’s had a couple of relationships that haven’t lasted very long, and wouldn’t want to hurt me as he thinks too much of me to do that.

I think that he’s not over his marriage split and is scared of getting involved again. I don’t know all the emotional baggage he’s carrying around with him, but if I did I could perhaps understand why he’s shutting me out. I don’t know where I stand and don’t know if I’ve handled it right. It feels like I’ve hit a major brick wall.“

– Liz N in London

A tricky and frustrating situation for you Liz. Figuring out the reasons that a relationship didn’t work out can be harder than getting Amy Winehouse out of the pub, but it certainly sounds like he’s got some issues left over from his marriage and divorce. Chances are he’s confused by what’s happening for him and a lot of men find it much easier and simpler to withdraw from the things that confuse them or are a source of pain.

But let’s make this about you. This is about how you’re feeling about the situation, and it looks like what’s happened is making you ask all kinds of questions and has hit your confidence. I wouldn’t be surprised if what’s happening may be rippling out and causing you to pause and question other areas of your life too.

I can definitely understand your need to get some kind of answer, resolution or closure on this, and there may even be room to move the relationship forwards so that it’s good for both of you, but so far what you’ve been doing hasn’t allowed either of those things to happen. It may well be that at some point in the future you will get to speak with him and that you’ll get some kind of answer, but it’s also possible that you won’t get to speak with him and that even if you did you wouldn’t get the kind of closure you’re looking for. Bear in mind that you might not be able to get an explanation that makes sense to you and you might never understand it.

So that leaves you, and your job is to make sure you’re okay whatever happens. It sounds like you know your role in this and that you’re not dodging your responsibility in what’s happened, so what’s the real reason for wanting to get an explanation?

Be really careful that you don’t focus wholly on getting that explanation simply so you can feel better, accept things and move on. The impact that speculating or searching for that explanation has on your self-confidence can be pretty significant.

If doing what you’re doing will only cause more disappointment, frustration and even anger then you’re only going to do more damage to your sense of who you are. If that’s the case you owe it to yourself to make a different choice; one that serves you better. Considering that it’s possible that you might never get practical closure you need to look at how you get emotional closure, for your own sake. And by emotional closure I’m talking about acceptance and – get ready for the ‘f’ word – forgiveness.