Hey Steve
I’m a 28 year old gal who moved to New York from Oregon a few years ago and I think I’m doing pretty good. Great job, good friends, busy dating. One thing though. I’m always rolling over when there’s an argument, and I hate arguing with anyone.

I can think of so many times when I should probably have gotten angry and stood my ground, I don’t know why but I always let the other person get their way or let them win the argument. Why can’t I argue with people?”

Tania W. in NYC

It sounds like those times you’re in situations where you feel like you need to speak up, stand your ground or express your point of view, that whatever’s happening in your head has a stronger influence over you than your sense of knowing the best course of action. That’s darn frustrating.

It’s pretty likely that people have taken advantage of your compliant nature, and there may have been opportunities you’ve missed out on as a result. More and more frustrating, right?

3 things:

1. Any automatic behaviour – like avoiding conflict or rolling over in an argument – has a pay-off for you. That’s why you do it over and over, because on some level there’s something you’re getting out of it.

   The trick here is to figure out what the pay-off is (avoiding judgement and an easy life are two obvious ones for you Tania) and look objectively as to whether that pay-off is really worth the price you’re paying.

2. Boiling this down, the fact that you stop yourself doing what you feel is right tells me that you’re doing what you think you ‘should’ do or what you think is easier instead. STOP IT!
   
   As the saying goes, the big problem with us people is that we ‘should’ all over ourselves, and renowned therapist Albert Ellis coined the term ‘must-a-bation‘ for this. Some people are serial ‘shouders’ and ‘must-abaters’.

   One of the first things you need to do is to get rid of the shoulds, oughts and musts from what you do and go with what you know to be right for you.

3. Rolling over doesn’t make things easier for you either (you wouldn’t have emailed me if it did). It causes you to worry, ensures that you miss out on expressing your view, reduces your self-confidence, makes sure that you don’t get to put your highly capable stamp on things and guarantees that you don’t get to be fully yourself.
   
   Don’t get hung up on ‘not rocking the boat’ or trying to ‘please everyone’. Sticking up for yourself doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t mean bad things will happen and it doesn’t mean others will judge you negatively. It means that you’re exerting your right to express your point of view and you’re honouring what’s important to you.

Here’s an email I got from Sally back in September:

“There is one question I have for you – how do you handle family member(s) and a partner who have ways to destroy your confidence levels? Growing up, I was an over-weight girl and my Mom and sister put me down a lot, but I was not afraid to have fun & express myself and had lots of friends. Nowadays, I’m in much better shape, but I keep to myself – I don’t do anything but go to work & school (no time and no REAL friends to be with) and it seems my partner, my sister & mom still have a way to bring me down. How can I overcome this?”

– Sally in Boston

Anything to do with family is a really tough one, because at the end of the day there’s only so far you can go. You can’t choose your family, so with that has to come a certain amount of acceptance. It sounds like you’ve had a tough time growing up and have had to put up with a lot of negativity. Good for you for seeing that this doesn’t have to define you and that you can have something better for yourself – I can’t emphasise enough how important that is.

You know, if you’re told enough times that you’re not good enough you might start to believe it one day. What I can tell you without doubt is that you are better and more resourceful than you know. What your partner, Mom and sister say and do is just plain wrong.

Do they know how much their behaviour is affecting you? It’s possible that because they don’t know how you’re feeling that they assume their behaviour is okay. If it’s damaging your sense of self their behaviour is not okay.

Your responses to others’ behaviour teaches them what is and isn’t acceptable. If these people have learned previously that it’s acceptable to do what they’re doing, then it’s time for you to let them know that it isn’t what you expect anymore, and that you deserve to be treated with respect.

It may be that you’ve gone down that road and things are still the same. In that case it really turns into two questions – “How else can I turn this around?” and “What am I prepared to do to turn things around?”

It starts with you, and perhaps the biggest question you need to answer is “What are the reasons I’ve chosen a partner who puts me down and why do I tolerate how my Mom and sister treat me?”

---

Sally sent me an update recently:

“Thank you for thinking of me. I think there are a lot of people who can relate to me & my situation. I can honesty say I am not the same person who wrote you a few months ago. My energy level has increased, my confidence levels have increased. I know I have no control of other people & what they say and do but I can control how it affects me. I believe the way they treat others is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. No one deserves to be degraded by another. We are all flesh & blood. No one is more superior than another. Some people might be richer, skinnier or more beautiful but it doesn’t make them a better person. Some people might have nothing…..(material)…and still have everything.

You might feel like someone has control of your life but as soon as you realize that when you look in that mirror & it’s only you…it’s your life…..you can make the first step in taking control of your life. Only you can make it happen.”

Nicely done Sally.

Don’t put up with being put down or made to feel small.
You deserve better.

There are certain challenges in building your self-confidence, like sweeping away old roles and expectations, silencing that voice that criticises your every move and – when you get right down to it – figuring out just who the heck you really are.

That’s sometimes made more difficult by the people around you, and some men in particular have a hard time dealing with confident women. Here’s what I’ve seen.

1. In the workplace a lot of men will use the word ‘bitch‘ to describe a confident woman. Other words I’ve heard guys use in the past (believe it or not) are ‘lesbian’ and ‘frigid’. Sure, it’s only a pocket of men that think this way and those are likely to be throwaway (albeit ignorant) comments, but it speaks to a lot of mens inability to deal with confident and successful women on a level playing field.

   I certainly hope that your contemporaries will think of you as nothing other than capable and bright, but a certain breed of co-worker and some old school management won’t know how to deal with you.

2. Socially, the Average Joe will see a confident woman and experience a mixture of attraction and feeling threatened by them. I’m not necessarily talking about sexual attraction (although many guys are turned on by a confident woman) but a platonic attraction based on the air of wholeness that confidence brings. Mix in a little fear about it being more likely that they’ll be rejected by a confident, together woman and not knowing what role they should play (the manly man, the sensitive soul, the joker, etc), and a lot of men will start a bizzare little performance based on what they think will impress the socks off the woman in question. “You might be confident and successful, but check out what I can do“.
   
   Again, your contemporaries are going to be more relaxed and at ease, but the chances are that a confident and successful woman who’s out at a social event will engender these responses.

3. If a guy is in a romantic relationship with a confident and successful woman it’ll be for one of two reasons depending on what kind of guy he is. One guy will be genuinely attracted by you as a person, loves who you are and respects what you’ve achieved. That’s a Very Good Thing.
   
   Another guy will see you as a challenge. This kind of guy tricks himself into believing he wants to be in a relationship for all the right reasons, but the real reason is that he’s hoping some of what you have rubs off on him. He hopes that by being with you he’ll share your success and be more at ease with himself. Either that, or he’s the type of guy who’s motivated by the challenge of sleeping with successful and confident women. Either way, they’re looking to boost their own ego’s by being with you.

Let me spell it out for you. None of this is your problem. Do not change who you are because other people seem to be having a hard time knowing how to relate to you.

That’s not to say that you should run around like a bull in a china shop pissing off everyone you come into contact with, and of course there are times when it’s important to consider others. But that doesn’t mean that you need to compromise on who you are or what you’re capable of, and it doesn’t mean you have to squeeze yourself into a box based on others’ expectations.

Sometimes an attitudinal shift on your part will work wonders, sometimes an honest conversation with a positive outlook will do the job, but most of the time it’s simply about being nice.

”Steve, 3 months ago I moved a friendship on to the next level and now it’s ended pretty badly. We were fooling around anyway and I really liked the guy, so I took a risk and told him how I felt. This was met by total silence for a couple of days before eventually receiving an email from him saying that he’d love for us to get together. Not hearing from him after I asked him out rang alarm bells, but we launched into a girlfriend/boyfriend thing that seemed to be going fine until just after Christmas.

He said he couldn’t be in a relationship with me, and told me that since splitting up with his wife 2 years ago he’s had a couple of relationships that haven’t lasted very long, and wouldn’t want to hurt me as he thinks too much of me to do that.

I think that he’s not over his marriage split and is scared of getting involved again. I don’t know all the emotional baggage he’s carrying around with him, but if I did I could perhaps understand why he’s shutting me out. I don’t know where I stand and don’t know if I’ve handled it right. It feels like I’ve hit a major brick wall.“

– Liz N in London

A tricky and frustrating situation for you Liz. Figuring out the reasons that a relationship didn’t work out can be harder than getting Amy Winehouse out of the pub, but it certainly sounds like he’s got some issues left over from his marriage and divorce. Chances are he’s confused by what’s happening for him and a lot of men find it much easier and simpler to withdraw from the things that confuse them or are a source of pain.

But let’s make this about you. This is about how you’re feeling about the situation, and it looks like what’s happened is making you ask all kinds of questions and has hit your confidence. I wouldn’t be surprised if what’s happening may be rippling out and causing you to pause and question other areas of your life too.

I can definitely understand your need to get some kind of answer, resolution or closure on this, and there may even be room to move the relationship forwards so that it’s good for both of you, but so far what you’ve been doing hasn’t allowed either of those things to happen. It may well be that at some point in the future you will get to speak with him and that you’ll get some kind of answer, but it’s also possible that you won’t get to speak with him and that even if you did you wouldn’t get the kind of closure you’re looking for. Bear in mind that you might not be able to get an explanation that makes sense to you and you might never understand it.

So that leaves you, and your job is to make sure you’re okay whatever happens. It sounds like you know your role in this and that you’re not dodging your responsibility in what’s happened, so what’s the real reason for wanting to get an explanation?

Be really careful that you don’t focus wholly on getting that explanation simply so you can feel better, accept things and move on. The impact that speculating or searching for that explanation has on your self-confidence can be pretty significant.

If doing what you’re doing will only cause more disappointment, frustration and even anger then you’re only going to do more damage to your sense of who you are. If that’s the case you owe it to yourself to make a different choice; one that serves you better. Considering that it’s possible that you might never get practical closure you need to look at how you get emotional closure, for your own sake. And by emotional closure I’m talking about acceptance and – get ready for the ‘f’ word – forgiveness.