The cops turn up at your house and arrest you.  “Holy crap” you think, “I’m in a whole heap o’ trouble.”

Picture that for a second for me will you?

You’ve been arrested because of something, or some things that you believe in.  This belief of yours is something you know to be your truth, it’s something that sits 10,000 feet down inside you, right at your core.

It’s one of your foundations, a cornerstone for who you are and a marker for what matters to you in life.

When you live in line with this part of yourself it feels like you’re being natural, graceful, congruent.  When you listen to this part of yourself it tells you which way to go and it gives you the strength to carry on even when times are impossibly tough.

Listening to that part of you is what it is to feel confident.  Truly, quietly confident.

But now, in this hypothetical scene I’ve asked you to picture, you’re accused of being someone who believes, trusts and uses that part of yourself.

The accusation is that you’re someone who believes so fundamentally in who you are and what’s important to you that it shapes your actions and your world.

You’re accused of having the confidence of your convictions.

The prosecution will be interviewing people you know, those closest to you, asking them about your beliefs, behaviour and background.  They’ll be looking at your work and your relationships.  They’ll be looking deep into your life; picking it apart to gather all the evidence they can find to support their case.

My question is, when your day in court comes along, will there be enough evidence to convict you?

You better darn well hope so.

Confidence is a tool you can use in your everyday life to do all kinds of cool stuff, not least to stop fighting with yourself and freely plug into the things that matter to you.

Here are 63 things YOU can do to be more confident.  Pick a couple that jump out, give them a shot and let me know what happens.

1. Sign up for that evening class and enjoy it.
2. Ask your partner or best friend what you can do for them today.
3. Hit the gym.  The physiological effects will leave you feeling great.
4. Go to a networking event and focus on how you can be helpful rather than being nervous.
5. Get crystal clear on the things that truly matter to you.  If they’re not in your life, you need to bring them in.
6. Write a list of the things you’re tolerating in your life, then write down how you can remove, minimise or diminish each one.
7. Look at a great win or success you’ve experienced and give yourself credit for your part in it.
8. Next time you’re at a social event, don’t just stick with the people you know – have a conversation with someone you don’t know and you never know what – or who – you’ll discover.
9. Next time you talk yourself out of doing something, say ‘What the Hell’ and go do it anyway.
10. Do one thing each day that makes you smile (inside or out).
11. Learn the 7 biggest confidence mistakes, and then fix ‘em.
12. Ask out that girl or guy you fancy the pants off (only if you’re single, don’t want to get you into trouble).
13. You have to keep your mind well fed, so write a list of 20 things that keeps your mind feeling nourished and make sure you’re giving them room.
14. Stop squeezing yourself into boxes based on what you think people expect you to act like.
15. Catch yourself every single time you tell yourself that you can’t have, won’t get or aren’t good enough to get what you want.
16. Take yourself off auto-pilot – make deliberate decisions on what really matters to you.
17. Next time you come up against a risk or a challenge, listen to yourself and see how that dialog can be improved.
18. Scared of looking silly? You and everyone else.  It’s no biggie so don’t let it stop you.  Say it with me – “It just doesn’t matter.”
19. Don’t think for a second that you can’t be confident.  There are already loads of things you do with true self-confidence, you just have to notice them and get familiar with how it feels.
20. Listen to your doubts – they’re there to let you know what you need to prepare for.  Use them to your benefit as you move forwards.
21. Think of a time when it felt like a whole bank of switches in your head flicked to the on position.  What were you doing and what’s the reason it felt so great?
22. You’ve got a whole bunch of out-dated rules that determine what you do or don’t do.  Tear up your rule book and notice how free you are to make great decisions.
23. Sweep aside the roles and labels you slip into without thinking, and just be you instead.
24. Look at how you’re using the 5 Principles of Self-Confidence in your life.
25. If there’s someone in your life who puts you down or makes you feel small, you owe it to yourself to let them know that you expect something different from now on.
26. Flirt.  It’s a harmless way to play around with connecting with people and having fun.
27. Reveal a little bit of the real you in a relationship that might feel like it’s in a rut.
28. Notice and welcome all of your experiences – the good stuff as well as the bad stuff.
29. Always recognise that you’re more than a match for any situation you might find yourself in, no matter how tough the going gets.
30. Don’t get swept up in the drama of what’s happening right now, look for more useful ways of engaging with what happens in your life.
31. Don’t automatically give in to the instant pay-off – it often means you’re selling yourself short.
32. When you feel like stamping your foot and yelling “I deserve better than this!”, take a step back and say “I can BE better than this.”
33. Confidence sometimes means admitting you’re wrong – always be ready to hold your hand up and change your mind.
34. Trust your instincts.  They know what they’re talking about.
35. Fear is a way of letting you know that you’re about to stretch yourself and grow your confidence.  Use it to take yourself forwards rather than run away.
36. Imagine you’re visited by a successful, confident, attractive and vibrant version of you from the future, and listen to what they want to tell you.
37. Don’t feel like you have to do everything yourself – sometimes the most confident thing to do is ask for help.
38. Take a chance on something tomorrow.  Anything, big or small, just take a chance.
39. You need to be around people who make you feel like YOU, so spend more time with the people who support and encourage you and less with those who undermine you.
40. Stop struggling against the things you don’t like in your life – create an environment around you that flows and allows you to be you.
41. No man’s an island, and you need to participate in the world you around to feel confident.
42. Do something bold in the face of your challenges and fears.
43. Work on developing the skills you need to win at the things that matter to you.
44. The body is a mirror for the mind, so shifting your body into a confident state can have surprising results.
45. Don’t get disheartened or demotivated when you get to 90% with something you’re working on – push through and you’ll see that the last 10% is where the magic happens.
46. Keep comparing yourself to others?  Stop it, don’t try to validate yourself through comparison – you’re just peachy as you are.
47. Put your head above the parapet at work and speak up if there’s something you think could be improved or if you have an idea you think has legs.
48. If there’s something you’ve been struggling to understand for a while, stop trying to understand it.  Accept it just as it is, fully and wholly.
49. Shy with new people?  Not a problem, that’s allowed.  Just don’t overthink it, start beating yourself up or thinking you’re less than because you’re shy – the more you think like that the worse it gets.
50. Your environment directly impacts your self-perception, so if you’re surrounded by clutter, paperwork and rubbish put a morning aside to clean up your stuff and get organised.
51. Write yourself a daisy list and start making things happen.
52. Don’t make your happiness or self-worth dependent on being in a relationship or being validated by someone else.  Find your inherent value first, and your relationships and confidence will be immeasurably better.
53. Your strengths can be used to overcome any of your weaknesses.  Don’t let them undermine your confidence.
54. The longer you leave that big thing on your to-do list the more it’ll drain you and the bigger it’ll seem – get it done and free yourself up.
55. What golden threads, themes, patterns and passions have always been in your life?  If those things aren’t present in your life right now, you need to shift your priorities.
56. Your body image does matter, because if you have a bad relationship with your body you won’t be feeling confident in yourself.  Get trim if you need to, just make sure you get along with your body.
57. Get the Truly Confident Living Home Study Course and dive right in.
58. Try a new path.  The well-trodden paths of your life can easily turn from familiarity to apathy and disconnection.  A new path wakes you up.
59. Don’t say “Yes” to taking on a task simply because you don’t want to rock the boat – you can politely decline requests you can’t meet and don’t need to create an excuse for it.
60. Look at the people you respect who seem confident – don’t copy them, but identify what do they do differently that conveys confidence and what you can learn from it.
61. Make a plan to do something, then follow through.  Achievement gives you important self-reinforcement.
62. When you feel yourself focusing inwards and becoming paralysed with doubt or fear, switch to focusing outwards at what you can engage and interact with.
63. Still beating yourself up for failing or screwing up? It no barrel of laughs, so it’s much better to recognise that everything, whether it turns out or not, is practice in living a rich life.

As part of my mindfulness treatment for CFS I came across the poem below.  I’m not the kind of guy to share a piece of poetry without good reason, so read ahead and afterwards I’ll tell you why it’s important for you and your confidence, and I’ll explain just what it’s got to do with Yoda.

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
– Jelaluddin Rumi, translation by Coleman Barks

Whaddaya think?

My question to you is this – how many of your experiences, both good and bad, do you really welcome in?

It’s easy to welcome in the good experiences; a great mood, a large cheque, a successful project, an exciting new relationship, a great promotion, laughing with good friends or some great sex are things you’ll be more than happy to meet at the door with a broad smile and invite on in.

Hell, most people would invite them in, cook them a nice meal, take them on 2 week holiday to a stunning Greek island, buy them a yacht, offer to give them one of your kidneys and propose under the stars with a bottle of Krug and Tony Bennett serenading.

But what about the crap stuff?  How welcoming are you of the stuff that you’d rather pretend wasn’t there?

Do you welcome in your fear?  Do you welcome in your insecurity?  Do you welcome in your weaknesses?

True confidence is about knowing yourself, and that goes for the “dark side” too. And that’s why Yoda was wrong. He had a couple of good points to make, sure he did, like “Do or do not, there is no try” and “Name your fear must be before banish it you can.” Even “When 900 years you reach, look as good, you will not.”

But he was wrong about the dark side.

If you’re resisting the stuff you don’t want – the guests in your house you’d rather got the hell out – you’re creating conflict and struggle within yourself.  That resistance means you’re not engaging fully with yourself, it means there are parts you’re not accepting, parts you’re fighting with and parts that you end up tolerating.

That can only have one effect – to drain you.  Resisting, fighting, struggling and tolerating a part of yourself or your experience will drain your energy, drain your perception about who you are and what you can do, and ultimately drain your self-confidence.

The poem says “Welcome and entertain them all“, and it came as a timely reminder to me of something that I learned long ago – everything in your experience is equally valid, but the real power comes from the meaning you attach to each experience.

Invite in each experience with laughter, curiosity and grace, and [puts funny voice on] become a truly confident Jedi you will.

A thought occurred to me.  Just why would someone want to be more confident anyway?

What’s so great about it that would make someone get off their butt and do something?

Here I am, prattling on about how great true confidence is, but if nobody feels like they want to be more confident then I’m talking to an empty room.

Here’s my thinking…

Let me know what you think – leave your ‘What’ in the comment section.

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So here it is, my first video blog. Watch in wonder as I move and talk in perfect harmony, while giving you some confidence building tips.

I’ve boiled down a bunch of what I’ve learned about confidence to give you a simple, 5 step process for being more confident. This is as simple and effective as it gets. Let me know what you think.

Note: You see those grey hairs? They were put there individually in post production – those are all CGI grey hairs. The same guys worked on this that put the armies of orc’s into Lord of the Rings. Very cool.

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Next up in my series of confidence interviews is the indefatigable Tim Brownson.

A fellow coach and a Brit living in the sunshine state (I’m not jealous at all), I’ve been reading Tim’s stuff and talking nonsense with him online for a while now.  He’s alright in my book.

Tim always has something interesting (or funny) to say, so I wanted to get his views about confidence and poke my nose into his experience of it.  I think it’s a great interview and I could have chatted to him for hours (next time you’re over I’ll buy you a beer Tim).

Listen in and let me know what you think.

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About Tim
Tim Brownson is an English Certified Life Coaching living in Orlando, Florida.

His blog, The Discomfort Zone, is a rather left field approach to self development and one that should not be taken lightly. You have been warned.

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I bet I know something about you.

I bet there are occasions when you put your confidence out there – times when you feel comfortable, safe or bold enough to be yourself and your self-confidence just flows out of you.  Then there are other occasions when you rein your confidence in, times when you feel vulnerable, scared or uncomfortable enough to pull yourself back and keep a lid on it.

You put your left confidence leg in, your left confidence leg out, in, out, in, out, you shake it all about.

You get the idea.  This is what I call the confidence hokey-cokey (or hokey-pokey for you folks in the USA), the continual in and out, back and forth, contract and expand of your self-confidence depending on your environment.

There are all kinds of reasons to pull your self-confidence back – a new job with new people, a party where you don’t know anyone, a room where someone else is taking the lead, a situation where you decide to keep quiet to maintain equilibrium, a first date or a gazillion other things.

But this post isn’t about those reasons, it’s about the one reason why dancing the confidence hokey-cokey is bad for you.

It makes you less than.

Across the board, whenever you pull in, restrain, tether or contain your self-confidence, it gives reality to a smaller you.

The more space you give over to that smaller you, the smaller you get.  The more you rein in your self-confidence the harder it becomes to put your confidence out there, and the easier being small becomes.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to end up a speck.

Why dance the confidence hokey-cokey in the first place?  It comes down to the driving force behind the vast majority of automatic decisions – it’s about wanting to belong and not wanting to be different.

As Seth Godin said recently, it’s about fitting in or standing out.  “You have this choice to make in everything you do,” he says, and that choice is everywhere in your life.

Making choices to fit in by sitting on your hands or missing out on something is one of the saddest things in life, it really is.

Don’t let yourself do it.

There’s a knack to this – you need to notice when you’re about to sit on your hands and do something that’s more “you” instead.  Stretch out your arms to hug someone, reach out to shake a hand or start waving them around, whatever (I’m talking metaphorically but feel free to do any of those things too).

David Billings put this brilliantly in his article “Be Your Own Bot” – “One of the most important skills I want to pass on to my kids isn’t how to blend, it’s how to feel comfortable being different.”

I notice when I’m about to do it, which typically happens when I’m around new people who might not know my little eccentricities.  Just last week I was at some Birthday drinks for my friend Jules, and met a bunch of new people in the bar.  I noticed the hokey-cokey about to kick in and could have pulled myself back and given them the lead, but I stopped myself.

What happened instead was that I let myself expand into the situation, and we talked and talked and talked; some serious, some nonsense, I found out a good deal about them (and they me) and we laughed ourselves silly.  I had a great night and I know they did too.  If I’d held my confidence in, not only would I have had an ‘average’ night, but I’d have kicked myself for being small.

Same goes for other situations – job interviews, family occasions, parties, networking events, dates and more.  The point is this – you won’t do anyone any good by pretending to be less than you really are.

You’re more powerful than you let yourself be.

“I’m not fettered by the need to be perfect or to appear perfect. I’d rather be sane.” – Mindy Roberts

My aim for these confidence interviews is to find out what confidence means to real people out there, and they don’t come much more real than Mindy.  When I first stumbled across Mindy’s site – TheMommyBlog.net – I knew I’d like her.  You just get that feeling sometimes.

Funny, smart and honest, Mindy isn’t backwards in coming forwards and is a woman who’s out there doing things her way.  She rocks – here’s her interview.

1. There are so many different definitions of what confidence is and isn’t – what does real “confidence” mean to you?
Confidence means, to me, exactly what you described once: the knack for being oneself in any situation. One thing I’ve always been able to say is I’m extremely WYSIWYG.

2. Everyone has times in their life when their confidence takes a battering – what role has a lack of confidence played in your life?
I’d say it has kept me from taking chances when the risk was acceptable, either for fear of failing, not believing I could sustain the change, or for fear of disapproval. This is an interesting question, though. I’d break it down further: how has lack of confidence shaped your decisions or worldview, and what has that allowed to transpire?

I don’t see lack of confidence as an active player in my life. It’s a state, not a tool, and it’s a tool I consciously try not to ever pick up. It’s not much for accuracy or aim.

3. What did you learn from that?
I’ve learned that people can smell it on you. I had a long career in the nonprofit sector, and was very good at what I did. I exuded confidence, even when I didn’t feel it. People would marvel at my ability to stay calm when things were going pear-shaped and to muscle through crises. I was always surprised and secretly pleased to hear it. Then, I hit the wall.

There were too many crises at once, and I faltered. I folded. I withdrew. Others took that opportunity to force me out, knowing that that was the time to strike, when I was already destabilized. And it broke me. I haven’t quite recovered that same level of confidence on the inside or out.

4. How has self-confidence helped you in your career and personal life?
Oh, it helps everywhere! It eases entrances, allows for humor and connection, and puts others at ease enough for everyone to get what they need out of a given interaction. If one person breaks the ice and helps things along, others will follow and give their best, and give you a bit of a boost as well. It’s aura-enhancing.

5. Where would you love to be more self-confident, or where do you think you’d benefit from having more confidence?
Totally, hands down, at home. Since I left my executive job, I’ve been scrambling to redefine myself and find alternative ways to support myself and my family. It’s been five years, and though we’re still upright and living in our home, it’s taken more strength than I usually think I have, so that sometimes I have to sludge through and not worry that it’s not a great job I’m doing.

It’s getting done, and sometimes good enough is good enough. I’m not fettered by the need to be perfect or to appear perfect. I’d rather be sane. And if Big Pharma has to play a role in that, so be it. I’d rather be upright and functioning than curled up in a closet in a fetal position, or in a clock tower with a .30-.30 and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

6. What’s your best piece of advice for someone who has a lack of self-confidence?
Fake it til you make it. trite, I know, but the best mantra I’ve heard is, “Walk in like you own the joint, and they will at least let you in.” In other words, put out what you want to be, not necessarily what you perceived yourself to be. People will see what you put out there, and it will eventually feel comfortable and quite normal.

It’s that whole “be the change you want to see in the world” and “dress for the job you want, not the job you have” and “it never hurts to do favors whenever you can because they came back to you later in unexpected ways.”

Trust instincts.

And remember, EVERYONE has an agenda. Don’t let theirs become yours if it’s not in alignment with your core beliefs. Don’t be that person who bears the marks of the last person to influence him. Or something to that effect.

About Mindy
Mindy Roberts is a transplanted Chicagoan living in the Bay Area with her three native children. She has ridden the bounty and collapse of the Silicon Valley high-tech industry, recently ended her 12-year marriage, and is now gainfully re-employed after a long career in the non-profit sector. On the up side, she still has a portion of her sanity and is in love with a chef, writer, teacher and photographer. Mindy is writing her family’s memoirs as they go along. She loves her children fiercely, lives and breathes technology, and tries her best to use her powers for good.

Witty, sarcastic, and always engaging, Mindy chronicles her life, and that of her children. She tackles the good and the bad with a broad stroke and a sense of humor that give her writing depth and an emotional pull.

Mindy is also is founder of TheMommyBlog.net, PearSoup.com, Wonderbelly.com, and the forthcoming Wonderbelly Designs Party Pages. She is also a panelist at Momversation.com.

Confidence – real, life-long, golden, feel-good confidence – can be yours tomorrow.

Honestly it is.

All you have to do is remember.

You were born with true confidence, it’s all that other stuff you’ve learned since then that’s got in the way.

It’s still there.  It’s just that sometimes you forget that it’s there.

Your confidence isn’t about how comfortable you are talking to a room full of colleagues.  It isn’t about shaking someone’s hand firmly and it isn’t about how well you get your point across.

True confidence has no conditions or reasons for itself.  It just is.

True confidence is trusting in your bones that you’re plenty good enough.

True confidence is quiet and graceful.

Remember?

“Here is my messy, ugly, scabby fear…”

I love this audio interview with the one and only Michael Bungay Stanier. Besides having a great name, he’s got a real sense of fun about him that oozes into his coaching.  I’ve been fortunate enough to know him for a little while, and he’s one of the best.

I love how he looks at things, and how he looks into things – click play to listen to his confidence interview, and let me know what jumps out for you.

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About Michael Bungay Stanier

Michael Bungay Stanier is the Founder of Box of Crayons, a company that works with organizations and teams around the world to help them do less Good Work and more Great Work.

Michael was the 2006 Canadian Coach of the Year. He was a Rhodes Scholar at Oxford University, and holds a Masters of Philosophy from Oxford, and law and arts degrees with highest honors from the Australian National University.

Michael’s latest book is Find Your Great Work: napkin-size solutions to stop the busywork and start the work that matters.

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