Hi Steve!
I am struggling to define my life in general. In my head I have all these visions of myself, how I’d like to be, to look, to dress, yet I am constantly just surviving, and feel I am not achieving anything.

I’m stuck and don’t know how to move forward. Is it just one thing that I’m struggling with? Is it me? Are there others that feel the same? How do they cope? I feel as if I don’t cope….

- Katharina in London

There’s so much in your email that it’s pretty much impossible to give you answers. You’re certainly in a big ol’ rut, and I think there are 2 main themes here.

1. You’ve become disconnected from your life and what matters to you. They say that no man’s an island, and you can’t exist in a vacuum without connecting with your life and the world around you. The more separate you become from what you’re feeling and what’s important the more disconnected and out of place you feel.

   It’s through your connections with yourself and the world around you that you can move beyond merely existing and stand a chance of leading a rich and rewarding life, so figure out what you’re disconnected from then flip it around to look at what the connection is. If you feel disconnected from your sense of fun, then the connection is about having fun. If you feel distant from what you’re doing at work, then the connection is about doing work that you can connect with. If you feel disconnected from your relationships then the connection is about connecting with people at a deeper level.

   Feel free to start with small things, but start connecting with things that make you feel like Katharina.

2. I talk a lot about playing a game that matters, and I rarely coach people in goals these days. Look at it this way – if you want to play a game of tennis you can’t focus just on the result of the game. You have to make a choice to get onto the tennis court and play a great game of tennis. You have to work on your serve and backhand, you have to get the right tennis shoes and racket, you have to work on how you approach the game and how you think about it.
   
   In other words, if you want to play a game of tennis you have to fully engage with it on an ongoing basis. Not because all you want to do is win, but because you love the game and it matters to you. Approach a game with that attitude and you’ll stand a far, far higher chance of winning than blindly pursuing the win itself.

   The same goes with your life. You need to figure out what’s important to you, you need to figure out what game you want to play, and then you need to get in the game. This is why your bursts of energy don’t seem to last, because you’re not making a choice from that deep place that wants to play a game that matters – it’s just coming from what you think you should be doing.

Playing a game that matters is where the best stuff in life happens, which is why I’ve made this the focus of how I coach now. You’ve proved that you’re capable. You’ve proved that you’ve had fun and that you’ve pursued what’s important to you. You’ve just got a bit lost recently.

As to your last question, yes, many people feel just like you.