Go towards it with confidence. That’s where life is.

There’s a major flaw with this confidence building stuff.

See, the more you go out of your comfort zone, take action and stretch your confidence muscle the more confident you become.  That extra confidence makes it easier for you to keep going out of your comfort zone and take challenging action.

It’s a circular thing, action breeds confidence breeds action.  Or, if you prefer, confidence breeds action breeds confidence.

Once you’re on that circle and aware of what’s happening it’s all good and the circle continues to turn, but how the hell do you break into that circle to begin with?  How the hell do you take action when you’re not feeling confident enough?

The answer to this catch-22 is simple.  You take a leap.

It’s like jumping onto a moving train or leaping onto a spinning carousel – it’s looks bloody difficult and you might fall on your arse, but if you don’t make that jump you’ll never know what experience you could have.

There’s a point in time, sometimes just a split second, where you have to make the choice to jump on.

If making that leap of faith is something you want to do, here are 3 ways to make it easier.

1. Are you both scared and excited?  Fear is pretty much guaranteed, but are you also feeling excited about what might happen?  Some of life’s best moments come with both fear and excitement attached – if both are there you gotta jump on.
2. You’ve fallen on your arse before.  You’ve screwed up and looked silly before, and while it probably wasn’t your best moment you’re still here and are still going strong.  What matters is picking yourself up, not falling down.
3. Remember what matters.  Taking a leap becomes easier if you’re completely aware of what you’re jumping towards.  If what you’re jumping onto means something to you and has a personal relevance, it becomes a no-brainer.

It’s not easy to take action when you’re not feeling confident enough to take action, but that’s no reason not to do it.

So tell me, what do you want to jump onto?

If I had a dime for everyone I’ve worked and talked with who’s scared of being truly confident, I’d have a good number of dimes.  I haven’t been counting; I don’t have the numbers in front of me, and a pile of dimes wouldn’t be much use to me in the UK anyway.  The point is that people are often scared of becoming confident, even to the point of sabotaging themselves.

Here’s why you might be scared too.

1. You’ll Become Someone You’re Not
   You’ve spent a long time being the person you are right now, so the idea of being a different version of you is a freaky thing to process.  What if you don’t like who you turn into?  What if you want to go back to the way you are now?  What if people hate the new you?

   All valid questions, and they all share the same answer.  It doesn’t matter.

   See, becoming truly confident is NOT changing who you are, and there is NO risk that you’ll become someone you’re not.  True confidence isn’t about contorting or twisting your personality into something it’s not, it’s about letting it shine.

   Simply, powerfully, quietly and brilliantly YOU.

2. You’ll Become Arrogant
   What if something goes wrong and you end up being the person who enters the room thinking that everyone owes it to you to listen to you because you’re right, and that you’re just that little bit better than they are because you’ve got this whole confidence thing going on.

   I’m always saying this, but I’ll say it again.  Arrogance is noisy, confidence is quiet.

   Arrogance is all about having people look at you, validate you and respect you based on nothing concrete.  Confidence is not needing people to look at you or validate you, and having respect for yourself because you know what really matters.

   There’s a gap wider than the Grand Canyon between confidence and arrogance.

3. You Might Be Successful
   “Holy crap” you think, “If I’m really that confident then what’s going to stop me going after the things I want?”

   That’s a great question.  Truth is, the fear of success is enough to put most people off.  What’s even more scary and heart-breaking is the fear of being confident and ready to go after what you really want, and then not getting it.

   I’ve seen a lot people try to sabotage their own self-confidence, people who hold back their confidence so they don’t have to face the possibility of success, or the possibility of failure in the face of success.

   The thing is, real confidence is knowing that you can deal with whatever life throws at you and come out the other side having grown.  Real confidence includes being open to risk, opportunity and possibility.  Some new guy on the personal development block recently tweeted this proverb:

   

   He might have a decent career in this business.

4. Your Relationships Will Change
   You’re scared that if you turn into this fully confident you, that your relationship with your partner will change.  Or your relationship with a best friend.  Or your Mum.  Or your kids.

   You know what, you’re probably right.  Those relationships probably will change.

   Gone will be the roles that you slip into based on what other people expect of you.  Gone will be the need to validate yourself by being a bottomless pit.  Gone will be the need to dance to other peoples’ tunes for fear of rocking the boat or upsetting them.  Gone will be the stuff that you silently put up with.

   In their place are relationships that are based on what really matters to you, based on what you need and what you love to give.  Simpler, more honest, more you.

5. You’ll Need to Let Go
   What about the stuff you’re holding close to yourself?  Those pangs of hurt.  Those secret vendetta’s.  The petty jealousies.  The habits that make you feel good on some level, no matter what the cost.

   True confidence brings with it radical self-honesty, the kind of honesty that many of us find hard to open up to.  That honesty might lead to some tough, important decisions about what you have in your life and how well those things serve you.  It may be that you reach the uneasy decision that you need to let go of some old stuff, stuff that’s been as safe and familiar as a warm blanket.

   That’s okay.  True confidence turns around the belief that letting go of these things will be painful and full of struggle, and replaces it with the quiet knowledge that letting go of the things that no longer serve you well is about freeing yourself up, lightening your load and opening up.

So tell me, what are you scared of?

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but there are other people out there who are better than you are.

Hey, I’m just the messenger, if you wanna shoot anything why not shoot that belief that this simple fact is a bad thing?

See, the brutal truth is that there will always be someone who’s bigger, faster, wiser, cleverer, more successful, more entertaining, more insightful and more able than you in something you do.  There are exceptions of course – some folks are in the elite where they’re simply the best in their field at what they do.  If you’re in that group then that’s bloody brilliant, really it is.

But even if you’re the best damn entrepreneur, Mum, CEO, designer or chef in the world, there’s someone else who’s going to be a better singer than you.  Or better at building rapport.  Or better at golf.

Does that take away from your ability?

Among other things I pride myself on my sense of humour, and I have a bit of a reputation as a funny bloke (funny ha-ha, not funny weird).  But when there’s another funny guy at the table it suddenly turns into a competition, and I find myself determined to prove just how damn funny I am.  Laugh, damn you, laugh.

I’ve learned from this situation and from others (and continue to learn) that I need to stop comparing and contrasting.

Nobody can be the best at everything, but that doesn’t stop some people seeing others who are better at something than they are and saying, “Why aren’t I as good as them?”, “Geez, I must really suck.”, etc, etc.

Here’s the important part.  The fact that other people will always be better than you does not take away from what you’re top-of-the-tree-a-number-one brilliant at.  In fact, it’s often a great idea to surround yourself by people who are smarter, faster, more experienced and better at something than you – that’s a great way to learn and it’s a great model for achieving success.

For that to to happen you need to stop judging yourself as “better” or “worse” than other people, which means you start thinking of yourself less, rather than thinking less of yourself.

And that my friend, is a sure-fire way to unbreakable confidence.

Dear 2010

Good to have you here.  Sorry for any mess left behind by 2009, who was particularly unruly and seems to have left the place in a right mess.  Seriously, I blame the parents.  Tsk.

Anyway, thanks for reading this letter and there are a couple of things I’d like to talk about.

Before I do that, thanks so much for everything in 2009, particularly for encouraging my sense of humour and finding lots of things for me to laugh at and laugh with.  You might have heard how important laughter is to me, so it would be great if we can keep that going.  Cheers.  I also met a bunch of good people, and you know how much that means to me.  Awesome.

Right, first off I need some help with this coaching thing and the blog.  As things have got busier and my health has worsened, I’ve had less and less energy to spend here and I’ve found it hard to figure out exactly what to do with my coaching business.  The reason I freelance is primarily because it pays well, and secondly because I get to work with some really good people (thanks again).  I want to up my game and take the confidence coaching to a whole other league, but it has to offer me those same things and balance well with my health.

I get such a buzz from seeing people’s confidence grow and their lives grow as a result – it totally rocks and I count myself lucky to be able to do that.  But I want – I need – to do more of it, and in different ways.  What I need is a little clarity and some motivation to get it moving and some sparks of inspiration to look at how I can work together with other people and have bucket loads of fun.  I feel a little stuck with it right now, so if you can help to un-jimmy it that would be grand. Thanks.

Next, I want to fall in love with someone again.  Yeah, I know how that sounds, but in my head it’s all wistful and whimsical like an episode of Ally McBeal.  Look, there’s the Biscuit, walking around in bare feet, summoning the spirit of Barry White.  Leaving Ally to one side, I worked with the awesome Hiro Boga recently and one comment she made is that she had the sense I was “born with a broken heart”.  That kinda rings true.  I’ve been in love three times and each time it was the most exhilarating, painful, awkward, amazing and exciting thing I could imagine.  I want to get the shit kicked out of me by love again, so it would be kinda cool if you could help me to do that, to go beyond flirting to the place where I’m just plain terrified and enjoying every moment.  If they look like Uma Thurman or Brandon Routh that’s even better.

Lastly, and this is the big one, can I have my health back please?

It was last seen early on in 2008 I think, and you can’t really miss it.  Big, bright and bouncy with blue eyes and dimples.  Yeah, that’s it.  If I’m honest I never really knew that I had it, but I’ve really missed it over the last few months.  I’m a little tired of feeling exhausted, the dizzy spells and nausea aren’t my favourite, and having my body ache all the time is certainly something I can do without.  If you can help to get this fixed it’ll be much appreciated.  I’ll tell everyone I know how nice you are, honest I will.

I know you’ll be busy clearing the place up after 2009 left (sheesh) and I’m willing to step up and do my bit, but if you can spare me some time to help me out on these things that would be so cool.  I’ll give you a big hug and bake you a cake to say thanks.

Thanks
Steve

I’ve written many times about how goals and New Years Resolutions don’t work and how setting goals is missing the point.

I’m nothing if not inquisitive, so in the face of other coaches continuing with a goal-focused approach and some folks saying I’m wrong, I decided to take another look.

Turns out, I was right all along.  Well, kind of.

The fact remains that the vast majority of goals and New Year’s resolutions fail, but before I tell you the fool-proof way to use them I want to explain the problems with them.

The problem with goals

1. The very nature of goals make you look forwards at what’s next, never at what you’ve got right now. They instantly create a gap between where you are and where you want to be, and that makes it easy for a part of you to conclude that where you are right now is a place you don’t want to be, and that you must somehow be “less than” because otherwise you’d already have that goal nailed.
2. All too often goals are based on what people think they should want, or what they want to want.  This is a sure-fire way of heading down the wrong road or giving yourself more ammo to beat yourself up with.
3. Goals too-often lack a foundation of meaning and personal relevance.  You’re taking something that doesn’t really mean anything to you and trying to make it happen; sure, you might get an initial burst of motivation that gets you started, but that never lasts.
4. Goals make you too future-focused and take you out of where you are right now.  Goals put your vision squarely on the future and it’s all to easy to get sucked into planning for what might be rather than noticing what is.
5. There’s no link between reaching a goal or resolution and happiness. It’s been proven that people who achieve a goal are NO happier than those who don’t set goals or who don’t reach them.
6. Goal setting can be a handy way for people to maintain the illusion of control.  If you feel like you’re able to plan and control things by setting goals then life’s uncertainties won’t be able to interfere or knock you off track.  Of course, the reality is that there’s little we can actually control and exerting effort in that direction is the definition of struggling.

What’s Needed Instead

1. Create a mechanism where the perceived gap between you and an end point / goal / objective doesn’t matter.
2. Have a system that strips away all of the ‘shoulds’, ‘oughts’ and half-hearted ‘wants’.
3. Use an approach that makes it easy to find what really matters so that everything you do is aligned around the things that have a personal relevance.
4. Find a way to de-future-fy goals; making sure that where you are right now – this very moment – is the most important thing.
5. Understand that your happiness is not dependent on getting what you want but that the real gold and real value is in the experience, NOT in the end result.
6. A way of moving forwards that doesn’t involve struggling or suffering.

So with those needs established I come back to the approach I’ve been using for the last few years.

Games.

The entire, entire point of playing a game is that you get into the game and play it to your best ability. That need and want you have to play a game is something that comes from the inside, something that’s based on what’s important and what matters to you.

And of course you can’t hope to win a game unless you want to play it.  If you win, fantastic, but if you don’t win you learn more about the game and simply become a better player.

You have to get into the flow of playing the game right now, engage with every moment of it, and make a decision to play.  And that’s the level of relevance, meaning, engagement and unstuckness that goals and resolutions simply don’t have.

Here’s a diagram for ya.

Looking at the middle box (the one with brand new PurpleArrow^TM technology), right at the top is the game you want to play.   If you don’t like the word “game”, use theme or intention instead.

Game
Your game is where you jump in with both feet with what I call inspired participation.  This has to excite you, it has to look, sound, taste and smell amazing to you.  It has to be something you can’t wait to start.  The example I’ve used here is being the world’s best tennis player, but it could be having a $250,000 business, travelling the world, being in the best damn relationship you can imagine or anything else that gets your heart thumping with excitement.

Strategies
Once you have your game you can look at the strategies you can employ to bring your game to life.  This is about creating a roadmap towards winning your game, broad strokes for the kinds of activity that will make you the best player you can be.  In the tennis example it’s nailing your serve, but outside of tennis this could be something like having a social media strategy, building your dating confidence or mastering the inner game.

Objectives & Goals
Underneath that is where the goals or objective fit in.  Once you have your game and strategies sorted you’ll need some specific targets to hit, measurable targets that will stretch you and deliver something concrete.  In the tennis example the objective is to add 10mph to your serve, and why not set an additional objective to hit 95% of serves on target – you can include anything that will help to deliver on one of your strategies.  Create a new, mid-range product for your target customer, go on 1 date per week or master your fear of meeting new people, for example.

Actions
At the bottom level is employing tactics and taking action.  These are the specific things you can do to make that objective or goal happen.  This is about execution; it’s where you actually play the game.  Again, in the tennis example it’s committing to strength training 4 times per week, but this needs to be a specific, achievable action point that you can take away and carry out.

While this might seem fairly rigid it’s actually damn flexible.  You don’t need to sit down and plot all of this out ahead of time, and you can tackle it from any position, as long as you keep in mind all four layers.

Another example
Let’s say that you’ve set a New Years Resolution to go to the gym 3 times per week.  Yawn.  Didn’t you try that last year too? Let me tell you right now, if that’s all you’ve got it won’t work.  This resolution is all about execution; it’s a specific action point for you take away and do and by itself you’ll never see it through.  What’s missing from it is the other 3 levels.

What’s the reason you want to hit the gym 3 times per week?  What’s that?  You want to loose a stone in weight and be able to run for 5 kilometers and still feel ready for more?  Okay, now we’re getting somewhere, you’ve identified a couple of goals and objectives for your action to fit into.

But where do those goals and objectives fit into the bigger picture?  What strategies are they a part of that add to something amazing?  Well, if you’ve lost that weight and can easily run for 5 kilometers you may well be in your best shape physically.  That’s a strategy right there – “get myself in prime physical shape”.

And then the big one.  What’s the reason you want to be in prime physical shape?  What does that contribute to?  What matters to you that would be helped by being in prime physical shape?  This could be something like running the New York marathon, walking the Inca trail, climbing Kilimanjaro for a charity that has a personal relevance or perhaps changing career to a sports coach.

See how it works?  You can start big or start small, just remember to visit the other layers too.  Also, to aid flexibility the two middle layers – strategies and goals – can be swapped around if it’s easier to work and think that way.  That means that you can define an objective (e.g. to add 10 mph to your serve, move to a company who understand your values, put together a fantastic seminar, etc.) and then figure out the strategies that you need to employ to bring about that objective.  Whichever way works for you is cool.

This is why goal setting is for dummies. Because if that’s all you’re doing you won’t succeed. I’ve run through this stuff pretty quickly because, frankly, I don’t wanna be all preachy and coachy at you.  This, without writing a whole book about it, is how you can get into a game that matters and bring it to life.  This really is how you can make amazing stuff happen in 2010.

Go to it, let me know how you get on and holler if you have any questions.

So it’s the end of the naughties and we’ll all have to grow up and stop being so damn naughty.  I’m off to be as naughty as I can in the time that’s left, but here’s what I consider to be the 12 very best posts from this blog in 2009 (plus one for luck).

If being more confident is something you want to see happen for yourself in 2010, take a look at these babies.

1. Finding Your Confidence after Redundancy
Redundancies were everywhere in 2009, and they can shake you to your core if you’re one of the many unlucky ones. This post shows you how to re-discover your self-confidence after redundancy and get back on top.

2. How to Deal with People Who Put You Down
Most people find me online with the phrase “deal with people who put you down”, for the simple reason that put downs from someone you care about really hurt and can destroy your confidence – this post talks about how to respond and change things for the better.

3. Is There a Hero Inside You?
I’m a superhero nut as regular readers will know, and in this post I tell you what Tim Robbins, Obama and Spider-man have in common and what it means for YOU.

4. Find Your Voice or Die a Slow Death
You build confidence by finding your voice – your real voice. Do that and your life will feel simpler, easier and more fun.

5. Confidence is Sexy – Fact
We all know that confident people are naturally sexier than people who lack confidence.  Why?  Find out here.

6. Life Purpose is Nothing Without Confidence
Coaches always go on about finding your “life purpose”, but when you’re truly confident finding your “life purpose” won’t matter. Find out why confidence has to come first…

7. Dating Without Confidence Will Never Work
I’m no dating expert, but I do know that dating without trusting yourself just doesn’t work. Real confidence is allowing yourself to let go, and that’s just what dating needs.

8. Honesty Time – Things WILL Change
A hard post for me to write, and stuff I’m still dealing with. I am, can and will do better.

9. What to Do When You’ve Lost Your Confidence
Confidence goes up and down and sometimes vanishes completely. That’s okay, here’s what to do in those situations where you’ve lost your self-confidence.

10. 63 Ways to Become More Confident
As a confidence coach I have heaps of tips and strategies for building real self-confidence, here’s a whopping 63 tips for growing your confidence.

11. The Power of The Unexpected
The unexpected moments in life are the ones that take you out of your comfort zone and need real confidence to deal with. They’re also the ones you’ll treasure the most.

12. Do You Have the Confidence of Your Convictions?
I really love this one – imagine that cops are on their way to arrest you. Will you be convicted for being yourself?

13. I Want to Be a Kid When I Grow Up
Your child-like qualities are some of your best. Come and join me in being a kid.

Redundancy can shake you to your core. Learn how to re-discover your self-confidence and get back on top.
Redundancy can shake you to your core. Learn how to re-discover your self-confidence and get back on top.

I ate so much on Christmas Day that my trousers broke.  I bend over and ping, the waistband can’t cope with the pressure and snaps open.

Fortunately the Errey’s aren’t prone to embarassment and I had my special Christmas underwear on, but with 2009 and the whole of the naughties about to expire our thoughts turn to next year and all the things we want.  Like shifting that belly so I don’t become a regular trouser-breaker.  That’s one of many aims I have for next year, and besides ushering in a new decade many of use hope that 2010 will usher in a new era for ourselves and for the world.

Thing is, 2009 is still here, for another couple of days at least.

So either you want something or you don’t.  Either you want to change something or you don’t.  Wanting to want it isn’t enough.  Putting it off and making excuses isn’t enough.

One of the things with confident living is that you know what’s important to you and you do things about them.  You know what matters to you and you’re willing and able to make choices .  So I’m not going to wait until next year to start shifting that belly, and I’m not going to wait until next year for all of the other things I want to happen.  Why would I wait to make a great choice?

Why would you wait to make a great choice?

Start right now.

I’m not going to tell you how to have a confident Christmas. I have no idea what that would actually mean.  Instead, as it’s Christmas Eve, I want to share something else with you, just because I want to.

This is from Karen Jacobsen, a woman I worked with some time ago who I’m thrilled to bits to be still be in touch with.  She’s fantastic, and this clip of her and her son is really magical — enjoy.

Merry Christmas.

I stumbled across a Flickr group full of “The Way I See It” mugs from Starbucks, and this particular image rang a lot of bells.

I get heaps of emails from people asking me about how they can be confident enough to deal with people who put them down and it’s one of the biggest ways people find my blog.  This quotation says it all.

Pay attention to it.