I think I have been fairly successful in my life: I have good qualifications, am creative and physically active, bought my own house aged 23 and have a close circle of family and friends; but being ‘successful’ is now proving to be a hindrance.

My dad taught me to be independent from a very early age. At 33 I feel ready for a long-term committed relationship… but as a self-reliant woman I am discovering that it is difficult to find.

So I’ve decided to sell the home I have developed and ran for the last decade because I now feel it is holding me back… keeping me in a country and a career that no longer serve who I have become. I long for some freedom and fun instead of working hard to bring the money in and pay the bills… it is a lonely path when you have nobody to share that success with; not to mention financially restrictive in today’s current climate.

Like so many people of my generation, I am having a ‘life check’. I travelled the world on my own aged 29, came back and started a 5 year plan to emmigrate. Maybe it was unrealistic that I would find a partner to share this journey with. After all why should I expect someone to give up their life here to come along with me?

I am proud I don’t have to rely on another person for a lot of things but lving on my own for 10 years has made me selfish and I wonder whether the scarey thought of compromise sends signals out to the opposite sex!? But I would be willing to try – if they let me!

I don’t mean to pigeon-hole Claire, but it’s a familiar story to me. You should be rightly proud of everything you’ve achieved and everything you’ve become. And I think it’s fantastic that you have the guts to do something about your situation.

It IS difficult to find someone when you’ve become so successful and self-reliant, but it IS possible.

That fear you mention can communicate itself to the opposite sex, so take some time to work this through and integrate it. I know what you’re talking about because I have the same feeling about compromise – and I suspect many other men do (although they won’t admit it).

The confident thing to do is to be honest with yourself and carry on with what matters to you.

Will you let me know how you get on?

Yeah, single women “confident”. That’s why I know of a “single confident” woman in nyc who put career before everything. Now she is a 40 something Wealthy Loser, stuck in a dead-end life dating dead-end married guys and boozing, smoking and snorting her way into oblivion. Yup, she sure is confident and happy!

Appreciate your input Jim, and you’ve just illustrated my point perfectly. It’s much easier to be confident in your career than it is your personal life, and women who focus on their careers learn habits of self-reliance that make it hard to let people in.

They learn to trust themselves in their career because they see results and can control what happens, but don’t have that trust in their personal lives.

Your friends situation is awful, but perhaps the most awful thing is how common it is. She needs to know she can have something better, and I hope she finds her way out…

What I’ve noticed about my own personal development is that I’ve seemed to become more confident as my relationship has progressed.

I’ve been in the same relationship for 14+ years. For most of the relationship, I was passive-aggressive, and definitely not the slightest bit “alpha”.

But with encouragement from my husband to make my needs known,I’m much more self-reliant than I used to be.

I’m also a private person and spend lots of private time running, reading, etc.

This is my preferred situation–lots of space, privacy and independence in the context of a stable relationship.

But, my husband is an artist and he’s the same way vis a vis privacy and space. Also, we have a lot in common, so we enjoy spending time together. That helps, but it didn’t happen overnight. We work together too (have an art gallery, studio, school).

@Ruth: That’s brilliant Ruth, and it’s the sign of a healthy relationship that you can grow and learn together.

If you can find a partner who can let you grow and nurtue the best parts of you you’vee really got something special. For a lot of women it’s making those first few steps to begin a relationship and allowing themselves to be vulnerable that prevents that from happening.

Your work sounds very cool indeed!

After two serious relationships, I choose to stay single to devote my time to my five children. I’ve never met a good man, and I doubt I ever will.
Why should I choose to devote my time and efforts to a man who only grows dependent on them? Why reward mediocrity?
My time is better spent nurturing my children, so they won’t grow up to be losers like all the men I’ve come in contact with.
And I’m not the only one. There’re lots of divorced mothers who are choosing not to share their lives with a man again.

@North: I love that you’re dedicated to your children, but be careful of 3 things. 1. Don’t let your experience close you off to a new relationship. There are good men in the world – I guarantee you. 2. Being in a healthy relationship does not equal ‘rewarding mediocrity’, far from it. 3. Watch that you’re not projecting your ‘no good men’ belief onto your children – you don’t want to put them off before they’ve even started.

Hi Steve,
I understand what you are saying. But I wonder, is it not better to want a partner than to need one? That is, I feel that self-reliance makes a woman more able to appreciate a man for who he is rather than what he can do for her. Sad to say – and I think this is not gendered – people who truly do ‘find their own path and make a deep decision to follow it’ (and this, as you will know, means so much more than what your career is) are rare, and often trouble those who are following a prescribed/proscribed path. I am confident in all aspects of my life but this has not made it easier to find a partner, far from it. Most men of my own age seem to wish to ‘tidy me up/put me in my place’ somehow. Younger men are very attracted to me but for obvious reasons are troubled by their own attraction and run away. It is not always true that confidence attracts people. What you don’t touch on is that, because true confidence is so rare, and perhaps especially in women (and generally requires much inner work to get there) it is often perceived as deeply troubling. I am holding out for a confident man who has followed his own path but, at 37, I am afraid I am losing faith. At this age it is certainly true that one starts to be ever more self-reliant, because one has to. But I think this is an outcome, not a cause. The fact is that, for many many people, conformity is actually vastly more attractive than individuality, because it is ostensibly safe. Because I am very much my own woman, this is perceived often as dangerous. But this is not to do with an inability to give and receive, it is rather a sad fact of contemporary life. I would be interested in what you have to say about the negative outcomes, in terms of relationship, of individuation.
Best regards,
Susie

@Susie: Thanks for such a considered comment! You’re absolutely right, it’s better to want a relationship than to feel you need one, and there’s another post about that right here on the blog. That said, if you realise that having someone in your life is a need because your values (and therefore your individuality sings when it’s there) then there’s nothing wrong with that – the key is to need it for the right reasons. You’re also right in that men (or should I say “insecure men”) have a hard time with confident, successful women because of the gender roles they’ve been brought up with and the expectations they’ve developed, so I’m not surprised to hear about your difficulty in finding someone.

It’s an interesting point you raise about people with true confidence being deeply troubling, and I’m not sure I grasp it fully. People are only deeply troubled by something that they either fear or crave – it either scares the crap out of you or you envy it, and there can be all kinds of reasons behind both of those. Your point about the safety of conformity speaks to this too – the insecure mind twists the need for safety into a filter of life, and that means missing out on a whole heap of the good stuff. I get that, but true confidence is quiet and graceful, it’s not ramming it down peoples throats. I don’t think this is your situation, but I also think there’s a big difference between being an individual and being fiercely individual.

Sometimes it’s the matter of fact attitude that confident people can exhibit – “Here I am, here’s my life, take it or leave because I’m okay” – that might put someone off, and I think I’ve suffered from this myself. The trick then, I think, is to find a balance between that confidence, openness and honesty and the passion, spontaneity and vulnerability that comes with the start of a relationship. A total veneer of confidence is off-putting because there’s no room and no role for someone else, but true confidence is as much about your flaws and quirks as it is your values and strengths. Sometimes it’s letting those through that connects people together.

Anyone with other thoughts?

[...] with the theory that is laid out in the following article of why so many women are choosing to be “Solo-lifers” however, I still view the act of consistently choosing losers a bad move. Call it a bad business [...]

Susie has a great point. My friends and I, all doctoral candidates, often talk about how so many men we have dated want to dominate us, “put us in our place,” or are incredibly dependent.
The confident and successful are excellent problem solvers who understand what works best for them. Most are fiercely individual and they hold others to the same high standards that they themselves live by. I understand that the person who is fiercely individual may not be skilled at cooperating or sharing control, but when you expect to create a life with someone like yourself it’s hard not to feel like you’re settling.
At 30, I have come to realize that, in general, there are few confident PEOPLE. However, lack of confidence is much more acceptable in women. It’s seen as feminine, and I’ve known women who have sacrificed parts of themselves, mainly presenting themselves as traditionally feminine, in order to attract men. The confident woman’s difficulty in creating a healthy relationship is a reflection of our low self-esteem laden society.
I have refused to portray myself as traditionally feminine in order to attract men. I focus on my career, which always engenders a sense of fulfillment. Lowering my standards does not work for me, nor should it after all I have achieved and will continue to achieve.

@Margarita: I think you’re right – I’d say 80% of my clients are women, so there’s definately something about being a woman in her late 20′s and 30′s and the issue of confidence. I don’t think it’s acceptable however, and it’s that sacrificing you mention that really troubles me. Nobody should need to do that, and the belief that you have to play a role to attract someone is flawed (if understandable).

It’s good that you don’t compromise you who are and what you’ve achieved – but that doesn’t need to mean that you can’t get the same level of fulfillment from a relationship. I’m single too, and I get how damn difficult it is to meet someone who meets up with our standards. I know it can happen though, so I’m careful to make sure that any focus I have elsewhere (career, etc) is not unnecessarily blinkered.

I just had been in a relationship and since I used to be and still am busy in setting up my career(well I believe when no one is there your certificates wont atleast make you sad) I was not able to give time in my relationship and as a result ended up being more tensed then ever(eventually i broke up).I figured later that since my nature would not allow me to blossom in a relationship ..I might as well do what I actually love doing…i.e being a career oriented women..well… relationships make you lifeless anyways… no matter what you say in the start.

SO I’LL BE SELF CENTERED AND ENJOY MY LIFE…

and THERE ARE many ENJOYING things then self sacrificing relationships…i’ll bet you on that one…

@Kim: A relationship might not be what you need in your life right now, but watch when you say things like “my nature would not allow me to blossom in a relationship” and “relationships make you lifeless anyways” – those things aren’t *fact* and could easily become beliefs that will get in your way in the future. That said, I agree with you when you say that you might as well do what you actually love doing – why the hell not. Just notice when those things change, and what you love today may not have the same resonance next month, next year or 10 years from now.

RE: STEVE
‘A relationship might not be what you need in your life right now’

ya I get what you are trying to say..but..then I learnt the hard way
that –
attachment or love TOWARDS A PERSON is not what I want EVER.I even
agree with the fact that what I love today may change after months and
so on…So what I believe for myself is that I prefer to love things
rather then a person..cause as you said ‘what you love today may not
have the same resonance next month, next year or 10 years from now’
it just changes..AND TO SUPPORT THE FACT I COULD NEVER TAKE THE UPS AND
DOWNS IN A RELATIONSHIP.IT ALWAYS AFFECTS ONES MENTAL STABILITY ONE WAY
OR THE OTHER…and gives you more reasons to be messed up with life..

TO WRAP IT UP IN SHORT…

I ENJOY MY LIFE BEING A SOLO LIFER..

I am not a spiritualist but one spiritual leader said that ..to gain
happiness one has to be away from-attachments..
and since i want to be happy …i want to live being myself..

@Kim: Got it – be happy now. Here’s the thing though, true confidence is about making decisions that serve you well and you can only do that based on the current environment. True confidence is also knowing that the decisions you make today might not be relevant in the future, even if that flies in the face of what you believe to be true. No such thing as “ever” or “never“.

Solo-lifers, Why successful men remain single? What’s with the ‘Oh woe is me’for the woman who chooses to remain single. In this patriarchal society, women are socialized to feel ‘less than’ if they decide marriage is not for them. I never read a topic about the confirmed bachelor. What’s with this focus on women who are not marrying as their parents did? Women don’t ‘need’ to marry to get ahead anymore. So why bother? A lot of women who married back in the day married because that was the only way they could leave home and make their way. They went from father’s house to husband’s house and then to housewife.
There were not a lot of options for women 30, 40 50 years ago.
Now women are doing their own thing. Personally who’d want to be tied down to the same man every night, preparing his meals, taking care of him, doing his laundry, and then after a few years pass, he’ll need viagra. NOT! Women today are looking better than ever, and these men talking about these woe is me for the older women should stop hating. 40 yr old women today don’t look like they did 10 or 20 years ago. I know plenty of married women who wish they were single and are living in quiet desperation.
Marriage is becoming antiquated where women are concerned. It’s actually the men who need it more than the women. But as long as men continue to write articles and persuade weak minded women that they are ‘less than because they choose not to get hitched, then women will fall for the old okey doke.
I’m 26 years old and loving my single life. I have a wide network of friends, I go where I want to go, when I want. Don’t think I want kids, but should I do, maybe I’ll adopt who knows. I can’t imagine life being tied down to some dude who would cramp my style.

@Raz: You make having a man in your life sound like a prison sentence. I’d never suggest that an individual needs someone in their life, whether male or female, or that a woman is “less than” because they want to remain single. I’m single, so that would be hypocritical to the extreme. It has to be a personal choice.

And that’s the point of the article, to make a deliberate choice based on what matters to you, not simply following dogma or making a decision based on low expectations, the familiar or anger. Deliberate decisions based on what matters to you. That’s all.

Now i will like to put this issue in perspective. fundamentally marriage is a kind of relationship. Life is all about relationships. So the first issue is how do we make and keep long lasting and deep relationhips? If we have friends that are very dear to us and that we have taken time to get to know, then it means we have invested in those relationships and have learnt to accomodate the other person. This implies some level of compromi9se. If we have learnt somethings from them and like to hear their counsel, then it means we are volunerable to them and with them we know we can be wrong. If we have fallen our with them and reconciled over time and if we lost touch and regained contact, then it implies we have come to know and accomodate each other’s differences still hold them dearly.
Granted marriage is a lot deeper than this, but for it to be successful, we require the same foundation to build on.
at 30, i have no shame that i am single and i am not in a hurry. Yet i am not at all averse to finding a wonderful imperfect man and evolving an enjoyable dynamic relationship

@Esther: You’ve described this wonderfully Esther, and I think your perspective on this is brilliant. You seem to have a really healthy attitude towards relationships and the possibility of relationships, but there are women out there who are scared about what entering a relationships means for them and what they need to give up. Keep doing what you’re doing!

I see you’ve managed to pathologize successful single women’s behavior, Steve. Any guesses as to why you wanted to do that?

I find I intimidate most men unless I pretend to be someone I’m not. There’s no reason, to my mind, for there to be a contest, but apparently for the men there is. I get told a lot that I’m “scary” because I’m very bright, enjoy reality, and am relatively unafraid of life. That’s the men’s explanation of why I’m scary, btw, not mine.

The main reason I’m single, though, is that I find so many men’s ideas of “good-guy behavior” to be really shocking. A tremendous amount of it seems to be demands that I mother them (this is what “nurturing” turns out to mean), while overlooking bouts of verbal lashing-out, self-pity, adolescent rudeness, or miserable attitude. Oh, and I should have lots of sex, but only when they want it. Then there’s the “I only want things to be nice for you” business, which really translates to “I don’t care what you want; you should want a scenario in which I get to be the hero.”

My daughter behaved better than this when she was five years old, and I don’t really see why I should take behavior from a man that I wouldn’t accept from a small child. And I’m totally happy to nurture and take care of her, but no, I’m sure not going to do all that for a grown man. It’s work, it takes time and energy, and frankly I find it a little creepy when men get as needy as children. It seems to me that the very least a grown man should be able to do is take care of his own ego, career, psyche, and laundry. I mean I do that and more every day. Say that to a man, though, and the reaction you get is shock — you’re some kind of ball-buster. The expectation is, hey, you’re a woman, you must want to live to serve and take care of me. Something’s wrong with you if you don’t. Can you see how disrespectful that is?

Before you write the behavior off to bums and bad guys, I gotta tell you: These are the so-called good guys. Single dads who are real fathers to their kids. Professors, lawyers, community leaders, business owners, journalists. Sad but true. They look like grownups, but….

The other thing I find is that the guys tend not to really know who they are or what they want, and they want someone who will essentially guard them from loneliness. Well, that’s not me. For me, love is about fun, enjoyment, respect, sharing; not about fear of being alone, or lack of direction.

The real comparison, to my mind, is the way other mothers tend to behave. My closest friends — the ones I know I can count on, the ones who really go through life with me — are mothers. They’re amazing. They don’t assume other people exist to take care of them. They respect other women. They see when another mother needs a hand, and offer to help — without then using the favor in some passive-aggressive way later. They maintain positive attitudes. They look for fun things to do. Their egos are not fragile, and they don’t come unglued in midlife because they haven’t [insert career/life aspiration].

In the last year, I decided to give dating another go, and found the men even more disappointing than last time. The lies were mindblowing — everything from lowballing age by a decade to forgetting the existence of a wife. They’d lose interest in a conversation and just check out — no “thanks, this isn’t for me,” just gone. One guy started telling me a tale of abusing his ex-wife, and then complained when I wouldn’t make another date with him. Another sent me email about a celebrity’s fake tits. A lot of them seemed to want free therapy. One responded to “I’m busy today” by calling, emailing, and texting nonstop. Again, these are guys who rate as good catches.

I guess I could keep kissing frogs, but…why? I have a nice life. Wonderful kid, great house, work I love, friends I love. I’m healthy, in good shape, happy with myself. I can’t really see putting myself out there for more abuse in the hopes that maybe, someday, some mythical grown-up wonderful man will suddenly present himself.

If men want to be with women like me, maybe they’re just going to have to step up their game, that’s all. Being with you actually has to be better than being on my own, or there’s no reason for me to put in the effort and time. I still hold out hope that there’s a wonderful man out there for me, but you know what? He’s going to have to come and find me if he wants me.

Anyway. I see you’re working a thesis up there in the comments, but I also see you’ve got several women now suggesting you’re on the wrong track, while you’re hailing the misogynist in comment #3 as friend. You might want to open your ears about that.

@Amy: I’ve generalised here, yes, but this is based on what I’ve observed from the dozens and dozens of women I’ve worked with over the years. Does it apply to everyone? No, of course not. You’ve obviously had some bad encounters dating-wise, but it’s arguable whether the guys you’ve dated are indeed the “good guys” or just people who like to present themselves as such. There’s difference, just as there’s a difference between nurturing and mothering. I really like the way you describe the other mothers you know – open, generous, non-judgemental and willing to engage. That’s not exclusive to mothers by any means, but perhaps it’s common to mothers because of what their life has been opened to?

I think there’s something of a sine wave to dating. When the curve goes downwards you want them to come to you as you’re tired of kissing frogs; when the curve goes upwards you want to be more pro-active and to get back in the dating saddle (so to speak). I think there’s something natural about that ebb and flow. What’s also natural is that we all have our shit. Every one of us. I would hope that through this blog I’ve shown that I’m a work in progress with flaws, imperfections and quirks, but that doesn’t disqualify me from dating or from being a decent human being. Thinking of those flaws as problems is only going to cause more problems, just as not being aware of them could cause repeated problems that I don’t even know are down to me. Same goes for the guys you’ve dated and everyone else on the planet.

It’s a good job that I’m as well balanced as I am (natch), otherwise I might take offence at your suggestions and accusations. I’m more than happy to be wrong, and in fact I’m looking for a values-led woman who laughs with life and is equally happy to be wrong as she is right.

Hi Steve,
I think your blog is really positive and helpful. I’m a single university-educated woman in my early 40′s. From where I’m sitting, many of the women commenting have apalling attitudes towards men. No wonder they are single! I accepted poor behaviour from men when I was younger but two people were involved in those scenarios…and I was one of them. It’s wildly unfair ladies to suggest that half the world’s population are rubbish based on a sample group you chose for yourself! I’m laughing at you. Here’s an idea, lose the cynicism, it’s unattractive. If you’re a sexually mature adult woman have you given up looking for love (and joined the holier than thou Convent of Abstinence)or are you just settling for something cheap and nasty because (after all) all men are bastards? Personally I’d prefer not to be solely responsible for every little damn thing. In a relationship (Yes, I’m in one), there’s friendship, emotional support, advantages and efficiencies everywhere. But the bottom line seems to be that if you give up on men romantically you are a lot uglier on the inside than you are giving yourself credit for. Please hold the hate mail and just wake up to yourselves.

@Sandra: I’ve seen that “there are no good men” message here pretty clearly too. I’d like to think I’m one of the good ones, but I sure have my share of “stuff” too. Nobody enters into a relationship completely free of their past and how it’s shaped them – and I don’t think that’s even a desirable aim. You enter into a relationship because of who they are, not in spite of who they are.

Everyone we meet are our greatest teachers.
I have decided to follow my own path and I am open to meeting people on the way towards my goals. Which means i will be relocating. And possibly more than once. But I have chosen to look at meeting people with a grain of salt, and with an openness to be non judgemental of anyone. Some peoples quirks are their greatest attributes. It does not mean I have to share my life with them. But it is good to take the expectations away and realize that it is healthy to meet many people and have connections with a variety of people in whatever form it may be. I think when anyone, be it men or women are comfortable in their own lives they will be open to meeting likeminded individuals. And if those people are not people you enjoy then you learn and move on. We all have growing and learning to do and complaining about people’s weakness’s or behaviours you dislike is petty. I am 33, I have had some good relationships, and some that I like to call learning experiences. I am not too worried about being on my own, or being with someone. I have great friends and a great family. If I meet someone amazing and we grow together then that would be fantastic. Everything takes some compromise and people should never have to give up their goals unless they decide that they are willing to make some sacrifices for love if need be. However, it is a two way street, so if the other person is not meeting you halfway, then it is your decision to stay, or to leave. We all have choices to live any way we choose to without judgment. But I definitely can not put down one gender or the other. We have to learn from each other.
There are some amazing men and women in this world. Honestly, just to wake up each morning and enjoy your life is a blessing.
Namaste!

The much hidden part is the two very different upbriningings that are creating large differences in mental/emotional growth for men and women today. The nineteenth century belief Males should be strong is creating forms of treatment hurting male development, while the nineteenth century belief Females should be protected is creating forms of treatment that is enabling much better mental/emotional growth. Since this differential treatment is either ignored or left unseen due to false belief in genetics, this is creating feelings of superiority for women and feelings of inferiority for male. complete theoryh to all mayfieldga@bellsouth.net The allowed aggression upon Male who appear weak from this differential treatment along with the lack of touch or knowledge/feeling by women who are unaware of this differential treatment in addition to the great freeness of expression by women to even unknowingly give verbal, silent abuse, and patronization to Males who appear weak sets up much protection by Males to prevent further harm from society and women.

Men are not afraid of successful women. They have much experience with and prepare for abuse toward them by society, including women who may perceive men to be weak in some way. The nineteenth century belief Males should be strong allows aggression toward Males who appear weak. Society provides love, honor, respect, (the essentials of self-worth only on condition of sufficient achievement, money, power, and status. Women, due to the nineteenth century belief woman should be protected are given love, honor, and respect simply for being women. The nineteen century belief they should be protected allows for much mental, emotional, social support to appear to mature faster than Males. By differential treatment Females are surging ahead. In addition, this overprotection by society also allows women to give verbal, silent abuse, and hollow kindness or patronization with impunity. The combination of allowed aggressions upon Males who appear weak in some way, lack of support for Males, more than adequate support for Females, and the protected freedoms of various allowed verbal abuse make a Male who appears weak in some way quite vulnerable to more abuse from successful women and more also from society.

A stunningly reasoned response, thank you Ann. You clearly know more about the history, evolution of social impact of this than me, and I think you raise some interesting points.

I’ve felt for some time that there’s a double standard between “equality for women” an “equality for men”, and you touch on that nicely. More concerning, and I agree with you, is when you how the rules offer women the opportunity to “give verbal, silent abuse and hollow kindness or patronization with impunity”.

Dear Susie,

I am an Indian women. At the age of 33 I am quite successful. Work as scientist in one of the most reputed institute in th eworld, own a house etc etc. Also, attract lot of men but have not found a suitable life partner yet. Every single word of yours reflect my thoughts. I am infact quite surprised while reading your comments ‘cos it feels as if I am reading my own thoughts and words! It is amazing how society across cultures is same!

It’s surprising how common these experiences are isn’t it – especially across cultural boundaries.

I wonder, do you find that Indian men revert more to the traditional gender stereotypes?

This article implies that we women *want* to be in a relationship, and also implies we’re not complete without one. Yes, many women do want a relationship and can’t give up control of their lives, but there are also many women like myself who don’t care for all the responsibilities of a relationship once the shiny new limerence has worn off and we have to live with him and all the work and compromise that entails. It’s not always about giving up control; it’s what fulfills us in life. People can be taken away from us in an instant, but we’ll always have our degrees, memories, and accomplishments and no one can take that away. If we’re to be “selfish”, then at least we’re not going to ruin anyone else’s life in the process by not being able to give them what they need.

I have no wish to invest the time in a relationship, having been in one for 3 years and now I see how it slowed me down. No marriage and children for me — I seriously think I was born without a biological clock.   I have a very rare opportunity to fulfill the dreams I’ve had since I was 6 years old, and no one is worth holding me back from achieving this.

If you’re not in a relationship, but you’re blessed with many friends, a fulfilling career, are connected to any sort of community, and you’re able to make a positive difference in ANYONE’s life, that to me makes a full and rewarding existence. That’s where I am, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.