I’ve been reading about how successful women are outclassing their male counterparts and remaining single, and who’d have thunk it, I have something to say about that.
The article on MSN says that successful women remain single for two main reasons. Firstly that they intimidate men, who would rather take the alpha role in the relationship and find it hard (or impossible) to give that role to the woman. The second reason is that they’re time-poor, with their careers and interests swallowing up swathes of time and preventing them from meeting eligible guys.
Both of those reasons make sense, but there’s an elephant in the room.
A bloody great big elephant.
Where does success come from? It comes from making decisions that take you on a journey that matters, and demands that you engage with what’s happening and make the journey a priority.
Success is about finding your own path and making a deep decision to follow it.
That, coupled with today’s climate where performance and consistency are revered in completely skewed ways, means that a high degree of self-reliance is required to be successful. If you don’t make it happen, even through delegation, negotiation or inspiration, then it won’t happen.
Then throw in the continuing pressure to be financially responsible and self-reliant (particularly with the current conditions) and the American predilection for independence and optimism, an it’s no wonder that you learn to take responsibility for getting things done at an increasingly young age.
You become a tool for your own success, and it’s through your actions and decisions that you keep that tool sharpened.
This all forges a self-reliance that becomes embedded in your bones. And that’s a hard habit to break.
It’s this habit that makes it all the more difficult to give space in your life to a relationship which you’re (at best) just 50% in control of.
The elephant in the room is that the control, independence and self-reliance that have become tools for achieving success in today’s world, are the very things that need to be compromised in order to nurture a meaningful relationship with a future.
I work with a whole load of women who’re successful professionally, but who are less confident in their personal lives – and it stems from the same habit. I see this a lot, and the truth is that I’ve also learned to be ultra-independent and have a hard time making that compromise too. I work on managing it, and I’m confident that I can let it go for the right person.
Let me know how you deal with self-reliance and relationships.
- Other articles you might like:
- How confident women are seen by the Average Joe
- The BIG problem with climbing the career ladder
- Confidence & Success – Which Comes First?
June 11th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
I think I have been fairly successful in my life: I have good qualifications, am creative and physically active, bought my own house aged 23 and have a close circle of family and friends; but being ’successful’ is now proving to be a hindrance.
My dad taught me to be independent from a very early age. At 33 I feel ready for a long-term committed relationship… but as a self-reliant woman I am discovering that it is difficult to find.
So I’ve decided to sell the home I have developed and ran for the last decade because I now feel it is holding me back… keeping me in a country and a career that no longer serve who I have become. I long for some freedom and fun instead of working hard to bring the money in and pay the bills… it is a lonely path when you have nobody to share that success with; not to mention financially restrictive in today’s current climate.
Like so many people of my generation, I am having a ‘life check’. I travelled the world on my own aged 29, came back and started a 5 year plan to emmigrate. Maybe it was unrealistic that I would find a partner to share this journey with. After all why should I expect someone to give up their life here to come along with me?
I am proud I don’t have to rely on another person for a lot of things but lving on my own for 10 years has made me selfish and I wonder whether the scarey thought of compromise sends signals out to the opposite sex!? But I would be willing to try – if they let me!
June 15th, 2008 at 9:15 am
I don’t mean to pigeon-hole Claire, but it’s a familiar story to me. You should be rightly proud of everything you’ve achieved and everything you’ve become. And I think it’s fantastic that you have the guts to do something about your situation.
It IS difficult to find someone when you’ve become so successful and self-reliant, but it IS possible.
That fear you mention can communicate itself to the opposite sex, so take some time to work this through and integrate it. I know what you’re talking about because I have the same feeling about compromise – and I suspect many other men do (although they won’t admit it).
The confident thing to do is to be honest with yourself and carry on with what matters to you.
Will you let me know how you get on?
October 20th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Yeah, single women “confident”. That’s why I know of a “single confident” woman in nyc who put career before everything. Now she is a 40 something Wealthy Loser, stuck in a dead-end life dating dead-end married guys and boozing, smoking and snorting her way into oblivion. Yup, she sure is confident and happy!
October 20th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Appreciate your input Jim, and you’ve just illustrated my point perfectly. It’s much easier to be confident in your career than it is your personal life, and women who focus on their careers learn habits of self-reliance that make it hard to let people in.
They learn to trust themselves in their career because they see results and can control what happens, but don’t have that trust in their personal lives.
Your friends situation is awful, but perhaps the most awful thing is how common it is. She needs to know she can have something better, and I hope she finds her way out…
December 14th, 2008 at 1:33 am
What I’ve noticed about my own personal development is that I’ve seemed to become more confident as my relationship has progressed.
I’ve been in the same relationship for 14+ years. For most of the relationship, I was passive-aggressive, and definitely not the slightest bit “alpha”.
But with encouragement from my husband to make my needs known,I’m much more self-reliant than I used to be.
I’m also a private person and spend lots of private time running, reading, etc.
This is my preferred situation–lots of space, privacy and independence in the context of a stable relationship.
But, my husband is an artist and he’s the same way vis a vis privacy and space. Also, we have a lot in common, so we enjoy spending time together. That helps, but it didn’t happen overnight. We work together too (have an art gallery, studio, school).
December 14th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
@Ruth: That’s brilliant Ruth, and it’s the sign of a healthy relationship that you can grow and learn together.
If you can find a partner who can let you grow and nurtue the best parts of you you’vee really got something special. For a lot of women it’s making those first few steps to begin a relationship and allowing themselves to be vulnerable that prevents that from happening.
Your work sounds very cool indeed!
February 11th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
After two serious relationships, I choose to stay single to devote my time to my five children. I’ve never met a good man, and I doubt I ever will.
Why should I choose to devote my time and efforts to a man who only grows dependent on them? Why reward mediocrity?
My time is better spent nurturing my children, so they won’t grow up to be losers like all the men I’ve come in contact with.
And I’m not the only one. There’re lots of divorced mothers who are choosing not to share their lives with a man again.
February 12th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
@North: I love that you’re dedicated to your children, but be careful of 3 things. 1. Don’t let your experience close you off to a new relationship. There are good men in the world – I guarantee you. 2. Being in a healthy relationship does not equal ‘rewarding mediocrity’, far from it. 3. Watch that you’re not projecting your ‘no good men’ belief onto your children – you don’t want to put them off before they’ve even started.
December 4th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
Hi Steve,
I understand what you are saying. But I wonder, is it not better to want a partner than to need one? That is, I feel that self-reliance makes a woman more able to appreciate a man for who he is rather than what he can do for her. Sad to say – and I think this is not gendered – people who truly do ‘find their own path and make a deep decision to follow it’ (and this, as you will know, means so much more than what your career is) are rare, and often trouble those who are following a prescribed/proscribed path. I am confident in all aspects of my life but this has not made it easier to find a partner, far from it. Most men of my own age seem to wish to ‘tidy me up/put me in my place’ somehow. Younger men are very attracted to me but for obvious reasons are troubled by their own attraction and run away. It is not always true that confidence attracts people. What you don’t touch on is that, because true confidence is so rare, and perhaps especially in women (and generally requires much inner work to get there) it is often perceived as deeply troubling. I am holding out for a confident man who has followed his own path but, at 37, I am afraid I am losing faith. At this age it is certainly true that one starts to be ever more self-reliant, because one has to. But I think this is an outcome, not a cause. The fact is that, for many many people, conformity is actually vastly more attractive than individuality, because it is ostensibly safe. Because I am very much my own woman, this is perceived often as dangerous. But this is not to do with an inability to give and receive, it is rather a sad fact of contemporary life. I would be interested in what you have to say about the negative outcomes, in terms of relationship, of individuation.
Best regards,
Susie
December 7th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
@Susie: Thanks for such a considered comment! You’re absolutely right, it’s better to want a relationship than to feel you need one, and there’s another post about that right here on the blog. That said, if you realise that having someone in your life is a need because your values (and therefore your individuality sings when it’s there) then there’s nothing wrong with that – the key is to need it for the right reasons. You’re also right in that men (or should I say “insecure men”) have a hard time with confident, successful women because of the gender roles they’ve been brought up with and the expectations they’ve developed, so I’m not surprised to hear about your difficulty in finding someone.
It’s an interesting point you raise about people with true confidence being deeply troubling, and I’m not sure I grasp it fully. People are only deeply troubled by something that they either fear or crave – it either scares the crap out of you or you envy it, and there can be all kinds of reasons behind both of those. Your point about the safety of conformity speaks to this too – the insecure mind twists the need for safety into a filter of life, and that means missing out on a whole heap of the good stuff. I get that, but true confidence is quiet and graceful, it’s not ramming it down peoples throats. I don’t think this is your situation, but I also think there’s a big difference between being an individual and being fiercely individual.
Sometimes it’s the matter of fact attitude that confident people can exhibit – “Here I am, here’s my life, take it or leave because I’m okay” – that might put someone off, and I think I’ve suffered from this myself. The trick then, I think, is to find a balance between that confidence, openness and honesty and the passion, spontaneity and vulnerability that comes with the start of a relationship. A total veneer of confidence is off-putting because there’s no room and no role for someone else, but true confidence is as much about your flaws and quirks as it is your values and strengths. Sometimes it’s letting those through that connects people together.
Anyone with other thoughts?
January 4th, 2010 at 11:20 pm
[...] with the theory that is laid out in the following article of why so many women are choosing to be “Solo-lifers” however, I still view the act of consistently choosing losers a bad move. Call it a bad business [...]
March 14th, 2010 at 9:53 am
Susie has a great point. My friends and I, all doctoral candidates, often talk about how so many men we have dated want to dominate us, “put us in our place,” or are incredibly dependent.
The confident and successful are excellent problem solvers who understand what works best for them. Most are fiercely individual and they hold others to the same high standards that they themselves live by. I understand that the person who is fiercely individual may not be skilled at cooperating or sharing control, but when you expect to create a life with someone like yourself it’s hard not to feel like you’re settling.
At 30, I have come to realize that, in general, there are few confident PEOPLE. However, lack of confidence is much more acceptable in women. It’s seen as feminine, and I’ve known women who have sacrificed parts of themselves, mainly presenting themselves as traditionally feminine, in order to attract men. The confident woman’s difficulty in creating a healthy relationship is a reflection of our low self-esteem laden society.
I have refused to portray myself as traditionally feminine in order to attract men. I focus on my career, which always engenders a sense of fulfillment. Lowering my standards does not work for me, nor should it after all I have achieved and will continue to achieve.
March 16th, 2010 at 11:22 am
@Margarita: I think you’re right – I’d say 80% of my clients are women, so there’s definately something about being a woman in her late 20’s and 30’s and the issue of confidence. I don’t think it’s acceptable however, and it’s that sacrificing you mention that really troubles me. Nobody should need to do that, and the belief that you have to play a role to attract someone is flawed (if understandable).
It’s good that you don’t compromise you who are and what you’ve achieved – but that doesn’t need to mean that you can’t get the same level of fulfillment from a relationship. I’m single too, and I get how damn difficult it is to meet someone who meets up with our standards. I know it can happen though, so I’m careful to make sure that any focus I have elsewhere (career, etc) is not unnecessarily blinkered.
March 18th, 2010 at 6:14 am
I just had been in a relationship and since I used to be and still am busy in setting up my career(well I believe when no one is there your certificates wont atleast make you sad) I was not able to give time in my relationship and as a result ended up being more tensed then ever(eventually i broke up).I figured later that since my nature would not allow me to blossom in a relationship ..I might as well do what I actually love doing…i.e being a career oriented women..well… relationships make you lifeless anyways… no matter what you say in the start.
SO I’LL BE SELF CENTERED AND ENJOY MY LIFE…
and THERE ARE many ENJOYING things then self sacrificing relationships…i’ll bet you on that one…
March 22nd, 2010 at 5:02 pm
@Kim: A relationship might not be what you need in your life right now, but watch when you say things like “my nature would not allow me to blossom in a relationship” and “relationships make you lifeless anyways” – those things aren’t *fact* and could easily become beliefs that will get in your way in the future. That said, I agree with you when you say that you might as well do what you actually love doing – why the hell not. Just notice when those things change, and what you love today may not have the same resonance next month, next year or 10 years from now.
March 23rd, 2010 at 6:36 am
RE: STEVE
‘A relationship might not be what you need in your life right now’
ya I get what you are trying to say..but..then I learnt the hard way
that –
attachment or love TOWARDS A PERSON is not what I want EVER.I even
agree with the fact that what I love today may change after months and
so on…So what I believe for myself is that I prefer to love things
rather then a person..cause as you said ‘what you love today may not
have the same resonance next month, next year or 10 years from now’
it just changes..AND TO SUPPORT THE FACT I COULD NEVER TAKE THE UPS AND
DOWNS IN A RELATIONSHIP.IT ALWAYS AFFECTS ONES MENTAL STABILITY ONE WAY
OR THE OTHER…and gives you more reasons to be messed up with life..
TO WRAP IT UP IN SHORT…
I ENJOY MY LIFE BEING A SOLO LIFER..
I am not a spiritualist but one spiritual leader said that ..to gain
happiness one has to be away from-attachments..
and since i want to be happy …i want to live being myself..
March 23rd, 2010 at 9:38 am
@Kim: Got it – be happy now. Here’s the thing though, true confidence is about making decisions that serve you well and you can only do that based on the current environment. True confidence is also knowing that the decisions you make today might not be relevant in the future, even if that flies in the face of what you believe to be true. No such thing as “ever” or “never“.
May 17th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
Solo-lifers, Why successful men remain single? What’s with the ‘Oh woe is me’for the woman who chooses to remain single. In this patriarchal society, women are socialized to feel ‘less than’ if they decide marriage is not for them. I never read a topic about the confirmed bachelor. What’s with this focus on women who are not marrying as their parents did? Women don’t ‘need’ to marry to get ahead anymore. So why bother? A lot of women who married back in the day married because that was the only way they could leave home and make their way. They went from father’s house to husband’s house and then to housewife.
There were not a lot of options for women 30, 40 50 years ago.
Now women are doing their own thing. Personally who’d want to be tied down to the same man every night, preparing his meals, taking care of him, doing his laundry, and then after a few years pass, he’ll need viagra. NOT! Women today are looking better than ever, and these men talking about these woe is me for the older women should stop hating. 40 yr old women today don’t look like they did 10 or 20 years ago. I know plenty of married women who wish they were single and are living in quiet desperation.
Marriage is becoming antiquated where women are concerned. It’s actually the men who need it more than the women. But as long as men continue to write articles and persuade weak minded women that they are ‘less than because they choose not to get hitched, then women will fall for the old okey doke.
I’m 26 years old and loving my single life. I have a wide network of friends, I go where I want to go, when I want. Don’t think I want kids, but should I do, maybe I’ll adopt who knows. I can’t imagine life being tied down to some dude who would cramp my style.
May 17th, 2010 at 5:47 pm
@Raz: You make having a man in your life sound like a prison sentence. I’d never suggest that an individual needs someone in their life, whether male or female, or that a woman is “less than” because they want to remain single. I’m single, so that would be hypocritical to the extreme. It has to be a personal choice.
And that’s the point of the article, to make a deliberate choice based on what matters to you, not simply following dogma or making a decision based on low expectations, the familiar or anger. Deliberate decisions based on what matters to you. That’s all.
August 23rd, 2010 at 12:48 pm
Now i will like to put this issue in perspective. fundamentally marriage is a kind of relationship. Life is all about relationships. So the first issue is how do we make and keep long lasting and deep relationhips? If we have friends that are very dear to us and that we have taken time to get to know, then it means we have invested in those relationships and have learnt to accomodate the other person. This implies some level of compromi9se. If we have learnt somethings from them and like to hear their counsel, then it means we are volunerable to them and with them we know we can be wrong. If we have fallen our with them and reconciled over time and if we lost touch and regained contact, then it implies we have come to know and accomodate each other’s differences still hold them dearly.
Granted marriage is a lot deeper than this, but for it to be successful, we require the same foundation to build on.
at 30, i have no shame that i am single and i am not in a hurry. Yet i am not at all averse to finding a wonderful imperfect man and evolving an enjoyable dynamic relationship
August 24th, 2010 at 11:53 am
@Esther: You’ve described this wonderfully Esther, and I think your perspective on this is brilliant. You seem to have a really healthy attitude towards relationships and the possibility of relationships, but there are women out there who are scared about what entering a relationships means for them and what they need to give up. Keep doing what you’re doing!