Comments on: Solo-lifers: Why Successful Women Remain Single

By: INFO4HER - MyCity4Her.com’s BLOG » Blog Archive » The Stupidest Smart Person I Know - By Trish Dozier - LA4Her

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 23:20:26 +0000

[...] with the theory that is laid out in the following article of why so many women are choosing to be “Solo-lifers” however, I still view the act of consistently choosing losers a bad move. Call it a bad business [...]

By: Steve

Steve — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 20:19:36 +0000

@Susie: Thanks for such a considered comment! You’re absolutely right, it’s better to want a relationship than to feel you need one, and there’s another post about that right here on the blog. That said, if you realise that having someone in your life is a need because your values (and therefore your individuality sings when it’s there) then there’s nothing wrong with that – the key is to need it for the right reasons. You’re also right in that men (or should I say “insecure men”) have a hard time with confident, successful women because of the gender roles they’ve been brought up with and the expectations they’ve developed, so I’m not surprised to hear about your difficulty in finding someone.

It’s an interesting point you raise about people with true confidence being deeply troubling, and I’m not sure I grasp it fully. People are only deeply troubled by something that they either fear or crave – it either scares the crap out of you or you envy it, and there can be all kinds of reasons behind both of those. Your point about the safety of conformity speaks to this too – the insecure mind twists the need for safety into a filter of life, and that means missing out on a whole heap of the good stuff. I get that, but true confidence is quiet and graceful, it’s not ramming it down peoples throats. I don’t think this is your situation, but I also think there’s a big difference between being an individual and being fiercely individual.

Sometimes it’s the matter of fact attitude that confident people can exhibit – “Here I am, here’s my life, take it or leave because I’m okay” – that might put someone off, and I think I’ve suffered from this myself. The trick then, I think, is to find a balance between that confidence, openness and honesty and the passion, spontaneity and vulnerability that comes with the start of a relationship. A total veneer of confidence is off-putting because there’s no room and no role for someone else, but true confidence is as much about your flaws and quirks as it is your values and strengths. Sometimes it’s letting those through that connects people together.

Anyone with other thoughts?

By: Susie

Susie — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 23:13:22 +0000

Hi Steve,
I understand what you are saying. But I wonder, is it not better to want a partner than to need one? That is, I feel that self-reliance makes a woman more able to appreciate a man for who he is rather than what he can do for her. Sad to say – and I think this is not gendered – people who truly do ‘find their own path and make a deep decision to follow it’ (and this, as you will know, means so much more than what your career is) are rare, and often trouble those who are following a prescribed/proscribed path. I am confident in all aspects of my life but this has not made it easier to find a partner, far from it. Most men of my own age seem to wish to ‘tidy me up/put me in my place’ somehow. Younger men are very attracted to me but for obvious reasons are troubled by their own attraction and run away. It is not always true that confidence attracts people. What you don’t touch on is that, because true confidence is so rare, and perhaps especially in women (and generally requires much inner work to get there) it is often perceived as deeply troubling. I am holding out for a confident man who has followed his own path but, at 37, I am afraid I am losing faith. At this age it is certainly true that one starts to be ever more self-reliant, because one has to. But I think this is an outcome, not a cause. The fact is that, for many many people, conformity is actually vastly more attractive than individuality, because it is ostensibly safe. Because I am very much my own woman, this is perceived often as dangerous. But this is not to do with an inability to give and receive, it is rather a sad fact of contemporary life. I would be interested in what you have to say about the negative outcomes, in terms of relationship, of individuation.
Best regards,
Susie

By: Steve

Steve — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 17:08:59 +0000

@North: I love that you’re dedicated to your children, but be careful of 3 things. 1. Don’t let your experience close you off to a new relationship. There are good men in the world – I guarantee you. 2. Being in a healthy relationship does not equal ‘rewarding mediocrity’, far from it. 3. Watch that you’re not projecting your ‘no good men’ belief onto your children – you don’t want to put them off before they’ve even started.

By: North

North — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 12:16:05 +0000

After two serious relationships, I choose to stay single to devote my time to my five children. I’ve never met a good man, and I doubt I ever will.
Why should I choose to devote my time and efforts to a man who only grows dependent on them? Why reward mediocrity?
My time is better spent nurturing my children, so they won’t grow up to be losers like all the men I’ve come in contact with.
And I’m not the only one. There’re lots of divorced mothers who are choosing not to share their lives with a man again.

By: Steve

Steve — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 20:14:59 +0000

@Ruth: That’s brilliant Ruth, and it’s the sign of a healthy relationship that you can grow and learn together.

If you can find a partner who can let you grow and nurtue the best parts of you you’vee really got something special. For a lot of women it’s making those first few steps to begin a relationship and allowing themselves to be vulnerable that prevents that from happening.

Your work sounds very cool indeed!

By: Ruth

Ruth — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 01:33:22 +0000

What I’ve noticed about my own personal development is that I’ve seemed to become more confident as my relationship has progressed.

I’ve been in the same relationship for 14+ years. For most of the relationship, I was passive-aggressive, and definitely not the slightest bit “alpha”.

But with encouragement from my husband to make my needs known,I’m much more self-reliant than I used to be.

I’m also a private person and spend lots of private time running, reading, etc.

This is my preferred situation–lots of space, privacy and independence in the context of a stable relationship.

But, my husband is an artist and he’s the same way vis a vis privacy and space. Also, we have a lot in common, so we enjoy spending time together. That helps, but it didn’t happen overnight. We work together too (have an art gallery, studio, school).

By: Steve

Steve — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 12:23:07 +0000

Appreciate your input Jim, and you’ve just illustrated my point perfectly. It’s much easier to be confident in your career than it is your personal life, and women who focus on their careers learn habits of self-reliance that make it hard to let people in.

They learn to trust themselves in their career because they see results and can control what happens, but don’t have that trust in their personal lives.

Your friends situation is awful, but perhaps the most awful thing is how common it is. She needs to know she can have something better, and I hope she finds her way out…

By: Jim Joe

Jim Joe — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 08:29:05 +0000

Yeah, single women “confident”. That’s why I know of a “single confident” woman in nyc who put career before everything. Now she is a 40 something Wealthy Loser, stuck in a dead-end life dating dead-end married guys and boozing, smoking and snorting her way into oblivion. Yup, she sure is confident and happy!

By: Steve

Steve — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 09:15:22 +0000

I don’t mean to pigeon-hole Claire, but it’s a familiar story to me. You should be rightly proud of everything you’ve achieved and everything you’ve become. And I think it’s fantastic that you have the guts to do something about your situation.

It IS difficult to find someone when you’ve become so successful and self-reliant, but it IS possible.

That fear you mention can communicate itself to the opposite sex, so take some time to work this through and integrate it. I know what you’re talking about because I have the same feeling about compromise – and I suspect many other men do (although they won’t admit it).

The confident thing to do is to be honest with yourself and carry on with what matters to you.

Will you let me know how you get on?