Comments on: Solo-lifers: Why Successful Women Remain Single

By: Talmida

Talmida — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 02:10:00 +0000

This article implies that we women *want* to be in a relationship, and also implies we’re not complete without one. Yes, many women do want a relationship and can’t give up control of their lives, but there are also many women like myself who don’t care for all the responsibilities of a relationship once the shiny new limerence has worn off and we have to live with him and all the work and compromise that entails. It’s not always about giving up control; it’s what fulfills us in life. People can be taken away from us in an instant, but we’ll always have our degrees, memories, and accomplishments and no one can take that away. If we’re to be “selfish”, then at least we’re not going to ruin anyone else’s life in the process by not being able to give them what they need.

I have no wish to invest the time in a relationship, having been in one for 3 years and now I see how it slowed me down. No marriage and children for me — I seriously think I was born without a biological clock. I have a very rare opportunity to fulfill the dreams I’ve had since I was 6 years old, and no one is worth holding me back from achieving this.

If you’re not in a relationship, but you’re blessed with many friends, a fulfilling career, are connected to any sort of community, and you’re able to make a positive difference in ANYONE’s life, that to me makes a full and rewarding existence. That’s where I am, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

By: Steve Errey - Confidence Guy

Steve Errey - Confidence Guy — Sun, 22 May 2011 11:37:00 +0000

It’s surprising how common these experiences are isn’t it – especially across cultural boundaries.

I wonder, do you find that Indian men revert more to the traditional gender stereotypes?

By: virgoIndian

virgoIndian — Mon, 09 May 2011 04:47:00 +0000

Dear Susie,

I am an Indian women. At the age of 33 I am quite successful. Work as scientist in one of the most reputed institute in th eworld, own a house etc etc. Also, attract lot of men but have not found a suitable life partner yet. Every single word of yours reflect my thoughts. I am infact quite surprised while reading your comments ‘cos it feels as if I am reading my own thoughts and words! It is amazing how society across cultures is same!

By: Steve Errey - Confidence Guy

Steve Errey - Confidence Guy — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 16:59:00 +0000

A stunningly reasoned response, thank you Ann. You clearly know more about the history, evolution of social impact of this than me, and I think you raise some interesting points.

I’ve felt for some time that there’s a double standard between “equality for women” an “equality for men”, and you touch on that nicely. More concerning, and I agree with you, is when you how the rules offer women the opportunity to “give verbal, silent abuse and hollow kindness or patronization with impunity”.

By: ann

ann — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 05:33:00 +0000

The much hidden part is the two very different upbriningings that are creating large differences in mental/emotional growth for men and women today. The nineteenth century belief Males should be strong is creating forms of treatment hurting male development, while the nineteenth century belief Females should be protected is creating forms of treatment that is enabling much better mental/emotional growth. Since this differential treatment is either ignored or left unseen due to false belief in genetics, this is creating feelings of superiority for women and feelings of inferiority for male. complete theoryh to all mayfieldga@bellsouth.net The allowed aggression upon Male who appear weak from this differential treatment along with the lack of touch or knowledge/feeling by women who are unaware of this differential treatment in addition to the great freeness of expression by women to even unknowingly give verbal, silent abuse, and patronization to Males who appear weak sets up much protection by Males to prevent further harm from society and women.

Men are not afraid of successful women. They have much experience with and prepare for abuse toward them by society, including women who may perceive men to be weak in some way. The nineteenth century belief Males should be strong allows aggression toward Males who appear weak. Society provides love, honor, respect, (the essentials of self-worth only on condition of sufficient achievement, money, power, and status. Women, due to the nineteenth century belief woman should be protected are given love, honor, and respect simply for being women. The nineteen century belief they should be protected allows for much mental, emotional, social support to appear to mature faster than Males. By differential treatment Females are surging ahead. In addition, this overprotection by society also allows women to give verbal, silent abuse, and hollow kindness or patronization with impunity. The combination of allowed aggressions upon Males who appear weak in some way, lack of support for Males, more than adequate support for Females, and the protected freedoms of various allowed verbal abuse make a Male who appears weak in some way quite vulnerable to more abuse from successful women and more also from society.

By: Casey

Casey — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 07:21:04 +0000

Everyone we meet are our greatest teachers.
I have decided to follow my own path and I am open to meeting people on the way towards my goals. Which means i will be relocating. And possibly more than once. But I have chosen to look at meeting people with a grain of salt, and with an openness to be non judgemental of anyone. Some peoples quirks are their greatest attributes. It does not mean I have to share my life with them. But it is good to take the expectations away and realize that it is healthy to meet many people and have connections with a variety of people in whatever form it may be. I think when anyone, be it men or women are comfortable in their own lives they will be open to meeting likeminded individuals. And if those people are not people you enjoy then you learn and move on. We all have growing and learning to do and complaining about people’s weakness’s or behaviours you dislike is petty. I am 33, I have had some good relationships, and some that I like to call learning experiences. I am not too worried about being on my own, or being with someone. I have great friends and a great family. If I meet someone amazing and we grow together then that would be fantastic. Everything takes some compromise and people should never have to give up their goals unless they decide that they are willing to make some sacrifices for love if need be. However, it is a two way street, so if the other person is not meeting you halfway, then it is your decision to stay, or to leave. We all have choices to live any way we choose to without judgment. But I definitely can not put down one gender or the other. We have to learn from each other.
There are some amazing men and women in this world. Honestly, just to wake up each morning and enjoy your life is a blessing.
Namaste!

By: Steve

Steve — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 06:18:30 +0000

@Sandra: I’ve seen that “there are no good men” message here pretty clearly too. I’d like to think I’m one of the good ones, but I sure have my share of “stuff” too. Nobody enters into a relationship completely free of their past and how it’s shaped them – and I don’t think that’s even a desirable aim. You enter into a relationship because of who they are, not in spite of who they are.

By: Sandra

Sandra — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 12:22:08 +0000

Hi Steve,
I think your blog is really positive and helpful. I’m a single university-educated woman in my early 40′s. From where I’m sitting, many of the women commenting have apalling attitudes towards men. No wonder they are single! I accepted poor behaviour from men when I was younger but two people were involved in those scenarios…and I was one of them. It’s wildly unfair ladies to suggest that half the world’s population are rubbish based on a sample group you chose for yourself! I’m laughing at you. Here’s an idea, lose the cynicism, it’s unattractive. If you’re a sexually mature adult woman have you given up looking for love (and joined the holier than thou Convent of Abstinence)or are you just settling for something cheap and nasty because (after all) all men are bastards? Personally I’d prefer not to be solely responsible for every little damn thing. In a relationship (Yes, I’m in one), there’s friendship, emotional support, advantages and efficiencies everywhere. But the bottom line seems to be that if you give up on men romantically you are a lot uglier on the inside than you are giving yourself credit for. Please hold the hate mail and just wake up to yourselves.

By: Steve

Steve — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 12:53:31 +0000

@Amy: I’ve generalised here, yes, but this is based on what I’ve observed from the dozens and dozens of women I’ve worked with over the years. Does it apply to everyone? No, of course not. You’ve obviously had some bad encounters dating-wise, but it’s arguable whether the guys you’ve dated are indeed the “good guys” or just people who like to present themselves as such. There’s difference, just as there’s a difference between nurturing and mothering. I really like the way you describe the other mothers you know – open, generous, non-judgemental and willing to engage. That’s not exclusive to mothers by any means, but perhaps it’s common to mothers because of what their life has been opened to?

I think there’s something of a sine wave to dating. When the curve goes downwards you want them to come to you as you’re tired of kissing frogs; when the curve goes upwards you want to be more pro-active and to get back in the dating saddle (so to speak). I think there’s something natural about that ebb and flow. What’s also natural is that we all have our shit. Every one of us. I would hope that through this blog I’ve shown that I’m a work in progress with flaws, imperfections and quirks, but that doesn’t disqualify me from dating or from being a decent human being. Thinking of those flaws as problems is only going to cause more problems, just as not being aware of them could cause repeated problems that I don’t even know are down to me. Same goes for the guys you’ve dated and everyone else on the planet.

It’s a good job that I’m as well balanced as I am (natch), otherwise I might take offence at your suggestions and accusations. I’m more than happy to be wrong, and in fact I’m looking for a values-led woman who laughs with life and is equally happy to be wrong as she is right.

By: amy

amy — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 06:53:17 +0000

I see you’ve managed to pathologize successful single women’s behavior, Steve. Any guesses as to why you wanted to do that?

I find I intimidate most men unless I pretend to be someone I’m not. There’s no reason, to my mind, for there to be a contest, but apparently for the men there is. I get told a lot that I’m “scary” because I’m very bright, enjoy reality, and am relatively unafraid of life. That’s the men’s explanation of why I’m scary, btw, not mine.

The main reason I’m single, though, is that I find so many men’s ideas of “good-guy behavior” to be really shocking. A tremendous amount of it seems to be demands that I mother them (this is what “nurturing” turns out to mean), while overlooking bouts of verbal lashing-out, self-pity, adolescent rudeness, or miserable attitude. Oh, and I should have lots of sex, but only when they want it. Then there’s the “I only want things to be nice for you” business, which really translates to “I don’t care what you want; you should want a scenario in which I get to be the hero.”

My daughter behaved better than this when she was five years old, and I don’t really see why I should take behavior from a man that I wouldn’t accept from a small child. And I’m totally happy to nurture and take care of her, but no, I’m sure not going to do all that for a grown man. It’s work, it takes time and energy, and frankly I find it a little creepy when men get as needy as children. It seems to me that the very least a grown man should be able to do is take care of his own ego, career, psyche, and laundry. I mean I do that and more every day. Say that to a man, though, and the reaction you get is shock — you’re some kind of ball-buster. The expectation is, hey, you’re a woman, you must want to live to serve and take care of me. Something’s wrong with you if you don’t. Can you see how disrespectful that is?

Before you write the behavior off to bums and bad guys, I gotta tell you: These are the so-called good guys. Single dads who are real fathers to their kids. Professors, lawyers, community leaders, business owners, journalists. Sad but true. They look like grownups, but….

The other thing I find is that the guys tend not to really know who they are or what they want, and they want someone who will essentially guard them from loneliness. Well, that’s not me. For me, love is about fun, enjoyment, respect, sharing; not about fear of being alone, or lack of direction.

The real comparison, to my mind, is the way other mothers tend to behave. My closest friends — the ones I know I can count on, the ones who really go through life with me — are mothers. They’re amazing. They don’t assume other people exist to take care of them. They respect other women. They see when another mother needs a hand, and offer to help — without then using the favor in some passive-aggressive way later. They maintain positive attitudes. They look for fun things to do. Their egos are not fragile, and they don’t come unglued in midlife because they haven’t [insert career/life aspiration].

In the last year, I decided to give dating another go, and found the men even more disappointing than last time. The lies were mindblowing — everything from lowballing age by a decade to forgetting the existence of a wife. They’d lose interest in a conversation and just check out — no “thanks, this isn’t for me,” just gone. One guy started telling me a tale of abusing his ex-wife, and then complained when I wouldn’t make another date with him. Another sent me email about a celebrity’s fake tits. A lot of them seemed to want free therapy. One responded to “I’m busy today” by calling, emailing, and texting nonstop. Again, these are guys who rate as good catches.

I guess I could keep kissing frogs, but…why? I have a nice life. Wonderful kid, great house, work I love, friends I love. I’m healthy, in good shape, happy with myself. I can’t really see putting myself out there for more abuse in the hopes that maybe, someday, some mythical grown-up wonderful man will suddenly present himself.

If men want to be with women like me, maybe they’re just going to have to step up their game, that’s all. Being with you actually has to be better than being on my own, or there’s no reason for me to put in the effort and time. I still hold out hope that there’s a wonderful man out there for me, but you know what? He’s going to have to come and find me if he wants me.

Anyway. I see you’re working a thesis up there in the comments, but I also see you’ve got several women now suggesting you’re on the wrong track, while you’re hailing the misogynist in comment #3 as friend. You might want to open your ears about that.