Comments on: Do You Want or Need a Relationship?

By: Maxamum19

Maxamum19 — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 09:02:00 +0000

i guess i know what you mean Cyndee i say this because my scenario is the exact opposite i have never felt that i was needed i seem to involve myself with Ms Independent every time and now I am expecting a child with her after a very brief dating experience now i get the feeling that a father is not going to be required in my child’s life and i feel like a sperm donor i can say that nothing motivates me more than to feel needed and or appreciated

By: Cyndee

Cyndee — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 15:41:00 +0000

If I didn’t know better I would think you read my most private thoughts. This is something I have lived by for decades. Sad to say, my former husband didn’t We were married for over 25 years. In that marriage, I always felt “needed” but never “wanted”. So, I have been single for 3 years and I know for the next man in my life he had better “want” me more than he needs me. I’m not here to “complete” anyone, nor do I need to be completed, I am already whole.

By: Gannon Kendrick

Gannon Kendrick — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 17:50:00 +0000

I remember in high school I wanted a relationship for the sake of a relationship; it didn’t matter who with. But when I actually got close to being in a relationship, I always sabotaged myself. I mysteriously disappeared when things were getting good because I found out a girl likes Jerry Springer. I’ve had relationships that I think could have become romantic if I’d only thrown away my own ideals of perfection and accepted them as they are- the only girls who I thought I could be with I idealized to beyond belief and made myself sick wanting to be like them only to realize that they weren’t who I thought they were.
I’ve been single since birth. It’s not that I’m not a sociable, kind, or decent-looking guy. But at a young age, I felt like my parents discouraged a relationship, and so I made the decision to wait until I was sixteen to develop anything (aside from a little incident in third grade where I told a good friend I loved her, not knowing the meaning of those words).
I’ve suffered more grief than I care to say. I almost lost a friend because I admitted my feelings but was simultaneously afraid of them, and so I became very angry and defensive and even demonized her. We fought for two years, and it tore me apart that I couldn’t forgive her and that she couldn’t forgive me. (We finally put that behind us, and now I realize that I knew less about her than I thought, and the way we left things was traumatizing to me to the point where I couldn’t see reality and refused to acknowledge her flaws.)
I also lost the girl who I thought I was destined to end up with. We met at church camp. We had everything in the world in common. She wanted to be a nurse and I wanted to be a doctor, and we were both going to the same universities (though she was a fair amount younger than me). The way things aligned so well, I was almost certain that she was the one, that there was an order to the universe, and that a higher power was arranging the coincidences as signs to let me know that she was who I was meant to be with. She died in a car accident my sophomore year of college before she could come to the university, and I was thrown into depression.
Through all this, I’ve learned to question everything I’ve been taught about the world, and have accepted that a) I don’t need anybody to complete me, b) that people are fragile, and that c) rather than looking for the ideal individual, I should strive to become that individual.
I’m not sure that I’ll ever be in a relationship, or that I ever want one, because I know that everything ends eventually and that I’m afraid of opening up like that to somebody. I also haven’t found anybody yet (with the exception of one girl who I knew for several years, but I’ll probably never see her again anyway, so eh.) I know myself. I know what I love. I know that I need people. I know that I don’t need people to define me. I’m content- no matter where I go, I’m able to do what I love just by using my brain and contemplating my world and the worlds I create (I’m a “writer”- quotation marks meaning I’m such an intricate planner that I haven’t written anything yet.)
Anyway, I’m sorry for the long post. It’s been a long journey for me, but you’re right- we need to discover who we are. But once we’ve discovered who we are and learn to love ourselves, do we even need romantic attachments?

By: Kristi

Kristi — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 02:15:00 +0000

I have always really wanted a relationship since about the age of 14. I’m 20 now and have only had 2 relationships, one in high school and one in college. High school one lasted about two years and I knew he was the reason I was confident in myself. After 2 years of single-high school I was at college for a year before I realized I was so unhappy with myself. When I got in the relationship there he made me feel like I was worth something. I gained confidence with him and he helped me realize I really need more confidence.

We were solid and great for 6 months and were off and on for the next six until our anniversary. He broke up with me in May after it. My self worth went down. In ways I hate myself for being the person I am, but at the same time I know I can’t help it. I feel bad about my appearance and about the shyness and quietness I have in my personality. I want to be able to be a confident person. Even though I’m more confident than I ever have been, it’s not enough. I want a relationship with the person who broke up with me this year because there’s a part of me that feels incomplete without him there. I miss what he brought to my life.

When he’s around he brings those things back to my life but he says we can’t be together because he wants to focus on his career. He still loves me and vice versa but nothing serious can come of it and it feels like it’s my fault. I think to myself “if I could have just been better for him…” But it’s not my fault and my low self-confidence doesn’t want to hear it. I’ve been trying to raise it by working out and helping teach a class (which is hard for me because I’m meeting new people and doing small amounts of public speaking). This post makes me think about whether a relationship is a want or a need for me. Your posts are very helpful to me and I feel as though raising my confidence will be easier now I have read them. I’m looking to really find me now and try to show other people who I am and what I know, regardless of looking silly. It’s going to be hard, but I’ll try to push myself. So I wanted to say thank you. :)

By: Steve Errey - Confidence Guy

Steve Errey - Confidence Guy — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 15:03:00 +0000

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being happily single while engaging with the things that matter to you. That’s something a lot of people would give their eye-teeth for.

At the same time, you gotta realise that how you describe relationships and how they get in the way is simply your experience of them to date. It’s a story you’ve put together based on your experience and based on your feelings – but that doesn’t mean that another story can’t be told.

Relationships exist where they’re enabling, nourishing and loving – celebrating you as an individual while also celebrating what you have together. It takes work, but they do exist and they do happen.

Of course, the real point here is to acknowledge where you are right now – and if you’re using a relationship as a comfort blanket or whether you’re remaining single out of fear, then you gotta call it.

By: Trevor

Trevor — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 05:45:00 +0000

Hi, my name is Trevor. I am 19 years old, freshman in college. I feel a great sense of fulfillment out of my work, school, friends, and physical fitness. I really love my life. However, I have not had a girlfriend since my sophomore year of high school. Despite all my happiness and virtually every other aspect of my life, my love life deeply depresses me. I have worked on overcoming my social fears of not being in a relationship, but I can not shake it. And from a physical end emotional standpoint, albeit the social aspect, I really do WANT to be in a relationship. But feel the NEED socially. This lack of relationship really derails my confidence and alters my personality in negative ways. I feel its constricting my life and making me desperate. Thank you for your time, sir.

By: Martin

Martin — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 22:46:00 +0000

Well, I am not sure where to begin. I am 38 and I am one of the “need a relationship” guys. Like most, I have had my series of relationships that fail and me wanting to get right into another. It started with a 14 yr marriage to a woman who did me wrong on many levels. Cheating, false arrests, all of which helped end my career. My confidence in my abilities to be single are very negative. I have tried everything that I can think of except just being single and accepting it. It is funny how people tell me to just let it go and the “right” one will appear and be very happy. I am actually starting to believe that that is all bull. Going thru my divorce, there were many co workers who said once it was final that I would meet the one that truly makes me happy. 4 relationships later and still nothing. Yet, I crave to be with someone. #1 wanted it slow and I guess I couldn’t go that slow (not sex mind you-just take our time and see what happens). That made me feel like I was missing something or not doing it right. #2-wanted it too fast…TOOOOOO FAST! #3 I found out was married and I was the “other”. #4 however made me happy. We may have bumped heads here and there but we made up for it with all the good times we had. Her oldest son passed away about 2 months ago and I got the boot. Now here I am trying to figure out why, what, when, and where…oh and HOW COME? I have been told by many that I am a great guy. Sweet, thoughtful, cute….whatever! Is that my problem? Do I need to be the oposite? I know that I maybe over thinking this but I haven’t found the off switch!
Oh and before the question gets asked: what makes me happy? I couldn’t tell you. I have always believed in “the other” person than myself.
Please feel free to comment. Don’t hold back!
martin

By: Kathi

Kathi — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 22:04:00 +0000

I was married for 7 years (to my very first boyfriend – at 24 – we split up when I was 31). Since then, I have had a few brief relationships and one which was on/off for 3 years. I personally have no experience of a “good” relationship situation, either familial or romantic – so I just don’t bother any more. I feel I am more useful to others by offering my considerable creative talents up to society and contributing something meaningful, than throwing all my energies into dealing with one person and their weird moods/ eccentricities etc. I get so much more DONE when I’m not in a relationship!! Apart from the sex (which can ALSO be good or bad, depending) there is NO reason I want to be in a relationship right now. People all act as though it’s something SO desirable, and I don’t see why, because I frankly find relationships boring and full of aggro. I am not materialistic and very creative, so all the usual get a house, get a car, get the kids, get a job, get some junk to fill the house up with …is not important to me, in fact, to my mind doesn’t even really make sense. Perhaps I’m just a misanthrope, as ideas matter to me more than people, and if it were the other way round, then clearly I’d be more interested in relationships?
But I figure there’s always been a chunk of people throughout history who have been celibate/ haven’t reproduced etc. Some are desperate and some aren’t, it’s just the way of things. Some are always desperate, some get more desperate as they get older, and some get less desperate.
At 24, I was very desperate, I really WANTED to get married…but not because of all the materialistic stuff mentioned above…because I wanted to be with someone I loved…and people were saying, oh, you’ll have kids, you’ll settle down with a job, and I was like WHAT? That’s not the reason for getting married…but, unfortunately, it is…that’s the way it wraps up, it’s a trade-off right, left and centre, of all sorts of stuff. The boring stuff…the going down the shopping mall to do the weekly shop (ugh), the cleaning, the endless laundry, the stupid bickering, the in-laws, the jealousy, the headgames, the emotional blackmail…I want no part of any of this. I want my life to be simple.
Now, at 37, I am not desperate at all. I am the woman I always wanted to be, doing the stuff I always wanted to do.

By: Steve Errey - Confidence Guy

Steve Errey - Confidence Guy — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 11:39:00 +0000

Your first sentence scares the living daylights out of me!

Fear’s a funny thing. I too am scared of dying alone. I’m scared of spiders and I’m scared of zombies. I’m scared of dying in a house fire and I’m scared of rollercoasters.

Fear’s always around somewhere, but it doesn’t mean you don’t go after what matters to you. Good luck Ellisa – if you’re feeling ready to be vulnerable I’d say you’ve got it nailed.

By: Ellisacryan

Ellisacryan — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 18:06:00 +0000

Completely agree with this post
I am scared that if I stay single I risk dieing alone but if i get into a relationship it will end in disaster .

I was in a long term relationship but realised that I was not fully appreciated . It was so daunting at the time becoming single. But I can honestly say a year one that It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

I feel like I can now fully make myself vunerable again and do the whole in a relationship shizzle …. Wish me good luck finding Mr right