There are people out there who want the same thing as you (the relationship you describe sounds good to me!), but don’t let your expectations, assumptions or judgements about people to get in the way of seeing what happens. That’s why I mention something about my own story and where I am – because you have to make a deliberate decision based on your priorities, and then follow through with practical action.

How do you get over your fear of relationships? By allowing yourself to be vulnerable and letting go of the control.

Great conversation here! I’m afraid that I seem to have the opposite problem to others – I’m actually a bit scared of relationships.

I’ve just never been a relationship person – always relishing my independence and freedom. Being pretty self-sufficient, I’ve just never had that sense that I need another person to ‘complete’ me. I had one good relationship for about 3 years – it worked because we never put pressure on each other and knew exactly when to give each other space. But since then, I’ve had 2 boyfriends who were both pretty insecure. Both seemed to want to ‘clip my wings’ and settle down way too quickly – claustraphobia!

But here’s the thing – I’m 28 and I do want a family, so how do I get over my fear of relationships? I used to think I was good at relationships, but my last boyfriend got so angry with me – and what he called ‘my cold, independent streak’ – that it’s really put me off going there again. That maybe I’m just not a relationship person.

I would love to meet someone I could just ‘be’ with, without agenda or expectation, someone comfortable with themselves, who wants a partnership, not a co-dependent mess; am I asking too much? Will I be single forever? Any advice would be massively appreciated!

1. Your comfort in being single and your comfort in being in a “healthy” relationship is great. Nothing wrong with realising that you love men or missing the intimacy that a partner can bring, but there is something wrong in entering into relationships for the wrong reasons. I get the feeling you’ve learned the difference.

2. A lot of what you say is spookily familiar to me – we’re clearly alike in many ways! I often attract someone because I make them feel better about themselves. Whether they know I’m a coach or not, I like to bring out the best in people and then it becomes a strange symbiotic, vampiric relationship where they look to me to give them that good feeling. Doesn’t work. I respect my intention and ability to do this, but I temper it so that it doesn’t become a one-way street.

3. What do you show to people you date? If all you show is “the optimist” that’s all they’ll be aware and their expectations will be shaped around that. You’re allowed to show other parts of yourself – the quiet side, the introspective side, the dark side (although not all on the first date!). I’m generally an upbeat, positive person too, but watch out for your motivations in being the optimist. Is it a way you’ve learned to behave in order for people to like you?

You’re getting some great insights here Abbie, and I have no doubt you’ll continue to learn about yourself and what works for you. Let me know what happens!

The future version of you, someone who’s been through this already, has something(s) to say to you. What do they want you to know?

I will take time to dwell on your points

Also think about the motivation for stepping back. What’s in it for you? What pay-off do you get by ending these relationships? Again, I think that will give you big clues about your thought process, and you can then figure out what your alternative choices are.

Any thoughts from anyone else?

Im a 22 year old male and since my school days have always got on well with the female sex. I would find myself meeting girls and almost instantly jumping into relationships with them feeling like I was doing so because it was the ‘right thing to do’ rather than ‘it feeling right’

However, over time I would find myself getting ‘bored’ or feeling like I wanted a change of some sort and no matter how hard I tried to hold my feelings for that person I would eventually go back to wanting to be single. Not wanting to hurt my partners at the time I would always end up breaking off the relationship and feel like I had wasted that persons time and energy.

Ive met a stunning girl who ive been with for nearly two years but have recently began to have these same feelings of regret. Im trying my hardest to fight them as she has always been good to me and always tried hard in our relationship…but it seems no matter how hard i try in every relationship comes a period where i simply want to be alone and even when this wish is granted its not long before i meet someone else and the whole cycle runs round again..

A lot of my friends say its normal to act this way at my age but i dont agree and feel like im hurting too many people in the process. Ive taken into consideration that maybe my self esteem is simply low and I need to spend time getting to know the real me?..but I simply want to be able to confirm whether its a healthy relationship i need to strive for or a fluent single life i need to live?

Can anybody help?..

Thank You..