“Question for you Steve, how do you maintain the positivity, you obviously do as it comes across in your writing. This is a problem I have, I can think positive for short periods of time but then go back into a negative state soon after. How do you do it?” - Steve in Derbyshire

How do I maintain the positivity? The honest answer is that sometimes I don’t.

While I probably am more naturally inclined towards positivity, especially since I started coaching people, there are days when I feel low and there are days when I feel sad. I roll with the punches, have my down days and am as much of a work in progress as the next guy.

Pretending that I’m ‘up’ all the time or thinking that I’m not allowed to be down is not going to get me anywhere. And it would be really annoying for everyone else. All it will do is create a gap between how I think I ought to be experiencing my life and how I’m actually experiencing it.

Positive thinking isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, so don’t get hung up on not being positive all the time.

There’s a story about a woman looking out of her kitchen window at her overgrown, weed-filled garden, saying to herself “There are no weeds, there are no weeds“. While that’s certainly a positive thought it doesn’t reflect the reality of the situation or put her in a position to change it. All she’s done is create a gap between what she wants to experience and what’s really happening, a gap that doesn’t allow her to move forwards.

It takes courage to ride a wave when that wave is full of fear, emotion and a reality you’d rather avoid.

Riding the wave, even if it’s taking you somewhere unknown, means that you have to resist the natural urge to hide under the duvet or run away and focus on the fundamentals of being you.

The key is to acknowledge what’s happening and your experience of it – if you feel crappy then feel crappy, if you feel good then feel good - and then be willing to make a choice. That willingness to experience the bad and the good is a huge piece of what confidence is, and it’s something I’ve learned from working with clients over the last few years.

That said, there’s an irony here that intrigues me.

The acknowledgment and willingness to experience what’s happening allows you to make choices that you otherwise wouldn’t be in a position to make. If you develop a radical self-honesty it makes it easier to make decisions about what matters to you and what you do with what’s happening.

The woman with the garden full of weeds can say, “Look at all those weeds. Is this something I want to do something about?“, and if she wants to she can get out there with her trowel and change things.

Simply by being willing to experience the bad as well as the good you allow yourself to move forward with greater freedom in your experience, and a natural positivity emerges. With a foundation of self-honesty and self-confidence in place, positivity just comes more naturally.

So I guess my answer to the question “How do I maintain the positivity?” is that I maintain my positivity by letting myself off the hook for not being positive all the time.