The Confidence Guy

Wired into Truly Confident Living

Nov 18

Do You Suffer from Over-Pleaser Syndrome?

Relationships

Is your confidence dependent on pleasing people?I like people to be happy. Not in a creepy Richard Simmonds kind of a way; it’s more of a Lisa Simpson or Oprah kind of thing.

Sometimes I might go out of my way to please someone, put a smile on someone’s face or help them out with a problem. Does that make me a people pleaser? In her article “8 Tips to Reverse Over-Pleaser’s Syndrome“, executive coach Suzy Girard-Ruttenberg got me thinking as to my motivations and made me question whether I am, in fact, suffering from Over-Pleaser Syndrome.

I want to give people a good experience of me. What does no good to anyone – and specifically, me – is going around giving people a bad experience of what it’s like to be around me. I could go around and snap at people, be an energy vampire who leaves people drawn and withered or be as self-obsessed as Paris Hilton at a group therapy meeting for shoe-addicts.

So yes, I want people to have a good experience of me. I want people to experience me at my best. The thing is that sometimes that means I miss out on something because I’m spending more time and energy with someone else than I counted on.

Just yesterday, in my new freelance gig in London, a couple of pieces of work hit the rails, skidded down a muddy bank and rammed into a tree. I spent all day helping two very capable colleagues solve the problem, doing whatever I could to give them what they needed to find the right solutions.

I took it on myself to help them, support them and create a space where they could work on the answers. As a result I had no time to make a couple of key phone calls that would start the ball rolling to getting me work in New York City next year. I had no time to call my broadband supplier, who’ve failed to get my broadband back up and running for the last 6 days (grrrrr). I had no time to call my friend Zoe about hooking up for a glass of wine over the weekend. And I had no time for the nice lunch I had planned.

Yes, as a Producer part of my job is to provide an environment where people can do their best work, but I didn’t spot a couple of things and felt like I had to facilitate the solutions.

Does that mean I’m suffering from OPS?

Suzy Girard-Ruttenberg might think so, as she describes it as leading to “weaker bottom lines, withering work schedules and advanced No-Life Disorder.”

But I don’t believe it does.

I knew what I was doing, you see. I made some conscious decisions that lead to the course of action that I took. And yes, that course of action meant that I had to change my plans and didn’t get to the things I wanted to. But what’s interesting is that I felt good when I left the office, like I’d been at my best and done some damn good work.

There’s a difference – a bloody great big difference, as big as a Big Thing in a Big Contest on Big Day in Bigsville – between making a deliberate choice based on a frank awareness of the situation and suffering from OPS.

I’ve worked with a whole load of people who’ve been habitual over-pleasers. It renders them exhausted but forces them to keep on running, it makes them chase more pleased expressions at the expense of their own.

Over-pleasers aren’t fully aware of the impact of their decisions. They’re not aware of this simple equation –

Whatever you say “Yes” to, means that you’re saying “No” to something else

Your confidence is dependent on what you say Yes or No toOver-pleasers experience a pay-off in pleasing others and so their sub-conscious makes the choice to over-please people in an effort to get more of that pay-off. It’s not a decision based on a frank awareness of the situation or the Yes/No equation, and the pay-off in over-pleasing is no match for the hit your confidence and self-esteem will take.

It’s okay to please people, as long as it’s a conscious, deliberate choice, and in my experience it adds to your self-esteem to do that.

How does the the ‘Yes/No/ equation work in your own life? Are you an over-pleaser? And how is all of this affecting your confidence and self-esteem?

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7 Comments »
  • Lorenzo

    I can see myself in this…
    I constantly want to help people to give myself a good feeling, to feel like I did something useful in my life. I always want to help people that have a problem, even people that i don’t know very well. I feel like I’m in some kind of never-ending downward spiral…

    For Example: on facebook (so goes to the same school as me) there is this girl: she’s constantly posting these sad status updates and I’ve heard quite a lot of rumours she has it though at home, etc… So I’d like to help her: talk with her about her problems and help her cope with them and maybe even try and solve them.
    But there’s the problem: i don’t dare talk to her and ask her about it, i’m to afraid to take first steps, in anything I do, other people always need to do the first step, and it’s killing my life. i don’t dare take any chances. I don’t feel confident enough, i always think of all the bad things that could happen and that I’m not important enough in other people’s eyes, I see everyone as my superior… even the people who should be equal to me, like my classmates. (don’t get this wrong i don’t hate them, but i always get the feeling my voice doesn’t count, but it’s probably me just thinking this… or not. i’m so confused about myself right now.)
    But to get back to the point: I can’t feel better about myself because I’m to afraid and not confident enough to go to the person and offer my aid, which makes me feel more bad about myself because I’m leaving a chance to help a person because I’m not confident enough. :(
    Rant over

  • http://theconfidenceguyonline.com Steve Errey – Confidence Guy

    There’s nothing wrong with wanting to help people Lorenzo. It’s a noble aim and resting in the knowledge that you’ve made a difference is indeed fulfilling.

    Your friend sounds like she’s having a rough time. As are you, as you beat yourself up for not speaking up or being able to solve her problems. 2 things.

    1. Her problems aren’t your problems, and you can’t go around trying to rescue people. You can care and you can offer to help, but it’s not your job to solve the problems of others.

    2. It feels like the anticipation of the moment when you talk with her is getting in the way. Try to step back from the drama of that moment when you speak up. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. It doesn’t have to be a big moment. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. You could simply add a comment or drop her a message saying “Looks like you’re having a bad time, let me know how I can help” or just “Hang on in there and holler if I can help”, for example.

    Oh, and a third thing. Your voice counts.

  • Lorenzo

    thanks for replying and your help :)

    I think you’re right about that it aren’t my problems, and that i’m anticipating the moment to talk to her and now that i think about it… i tend to have that a lot. :(

    I hear people telling a problem and i want to help them as fast and as best as i can, but i get a bad feeling when i just even start thinking about talking to the person about the problem or even asking if something is wrong. So i just stay silent, and try to think on how to help the person but eventually i just tend to dissuade myself because i feel like i would intrude their privacy by trying to help them with a problem. Even when i notice a person is down, i want to talk to them, but i just shut up because i don’t feel “important” enough to talk to them.

    and i think it all relates to the third point you mentioned… i think i’m a nobody, useless :( and i know i should let my voice be heard, and that it counts, but somehow i just don’t dare to take the jump into the unknown.

    I feel like i can’t grasp the social aspects of life, although i tend to be a rather assertive and talkative person when i feel comfortable. And one of the things i feel like i’m missing right now is, i see all the other people of my class having fun, not caring about almost anything, and then there’s me the exception, the silent guy who almost never talks, but would like to talk and have fun just like the rest of them :( i always feel like i’m the extra of the group, they don’t need me, i’m just there (probably standing in the way) but deep inside i know that’s not really true, but my feelings contest that…

    i feel so confused about myself :s

  • http://theconfidenceguyonline.com Steve Errey – Confidence Guy

    To be honest, sometimes it will be an intrusion to talk to someone about something that you’re picking up on. So feel free to talk to them about something else, smile with them about something, take their mind off it. It’s easier to say something when you both feel comfortable and when their’s rapport – going in cold can be awkward sometimes.

    The bigger thing that’s holding you back is this thing about being a “nobody”. I mean this in the nicest possible way, but that’s just rubbish. You are someone. Someone who cares about people. Someone who has a sensitive soul. Someone who has a decent intuition and a good deal of empathy. All sounds good to me.

    You know something – I was always the quiet guy who kept himself to himself at school. I kept my head down, did my work and that was pretty much it. I had a small group of friends but never went to the school disco’s or connected that much with anyone else.

    Things change. You just gotta allow them to change.

  • Lorenzo

    (couldn’t reply to your comment so i’m posting a new one ;) )

    i guess i can try doing that, it seems like a great way to try and help people without getting an awkward feeling of intrusion. And maybe it’s indeed better to get their mind off off it for a while.

    I can find myself in your history, but i’m trying to change to be more of the real me, more open, more free of speech, like when i feel more comfortable. But when i seem to finally get more comfortable, my mind forces me back into my shell, like i’m sensing danger in talking to other people even though there is no danger, which i know but i can’t seem to be able to convince myself of that fact…

    And thank you for the compliments ^^ they are really heart-warming and motivating to read. :) thanks.

  • http://theconfidenceguyonline.com Steve Errey – Confidence Guy

    You’re welcome – they weren’t intended as compliments, just observations ;)

    The point is to take the pressure off yourself, and finding simple, small steps that you can take. That goes for both those little things you can do to help others, and the little things you can do to reassure yourself that you’ll be okay.

  • Lorenzo

    I’ll try my best ;)

    Thank you for the support :) I really appreciate your cause to help people with confidence problems :D
    I’m going to keep an eye on your site from now on. you have written some really interesting and motivating articles ;)