Sabotaging yourself is than a sack of weasels – why the heck would you go and do a bunch of stuff to make sure you don’t get what you want? Crazy indeed, but it’s something we’ve all done.

Keep doing it and how can you expect to have any confidence in your ability to get results in your life? With sabotaging behaviour, there’s a sad inevitability that you’ll end up with low self-esteem and no self-confidence.

To demonstrate the problem, here’s a recent email exchange I had with Barbara from Madison (thanks for agreeing to feature your email B). We went on to have a fantastic 30 minute session, where we were able to laser right into what was happening and get some rapid insights. I loved talking with her and it was so cool how her eyes were opened to a different way of doing things. Here’s how it started.

“I’ve always wanted to work from home as a writer, a novelist. Since that does not pay bills, writing direct mail copy and catalog copy is an option for me. I used to be a vp/creative director at a direct marketing agency so I have experience in copywriting and customer service and marketing. And I can’t take the first step.

I’m 50 so I feel old and out of touch. I don’t have experience with online copy so that’s a negative. And everytime I come close to reaching a goal I sabotage myself. Even with weight. Whenever I’m within 10 pounds of my ideal weight i eat junk and gain. Funny thing is, everyone thinks i’m such a positive person. Help!”

Barbara, Madison, CT, USA

First of all Barbara, there’s no way that 50 is old these days.  Not a chance.  You’ve still got another a few careers left to go if you want them!

It’s pretty clear how important writing is to you, but I get the sense you’re second guessing how good you are or how good you might be, and then slipping into looking at all the reasons why it won’t work.  If you’ve always had a pull towards writing there’s a good chance you have a talent there, and as you’ve had experience as a CD there’s a weight of evidence to support that.

Instead of looking at the reasons ‘why not’, how about looking for the reasons ‘why’?  Copywriting is a core skill that only needs a little tuning appropriate for the channel – as long as you can write on a subject with thought to tone, message and audience, you’re all set.

You’re pretty good at beating yourself up, aren’t you?  What’s the reason for being so hard on yourself, and what do you think your nearest and dearest would say if you told them the things you tell yourself?

There’s a habit here, and habit’s are hard to break.  The trick is to notice when you’re slipping into that automatic well-known behaviour (self-sabotage, self-criticism, eating junk, etc) and stopping yourself.  Noticing it with brutal honesty is important. Without that you won’t have a chance to do something else.  When you notice it, take a step back.  Remind yourself of what’s important to you and look at the evidence for why you’re darned good and get ready to make a different choice.

“Right before I saw your email I had a home-made cupcake with two inches of vanilla frosting and half a bag of potato chips with dip. I have spent the last two weeks trying to lose weight and lost eight pounds. I am within ten pounds of my ideal weight and look what I did. It’s funny, actually it’s not funny at all. So I read your email and the tears started flowing. You are good!

Hearing what you had to say, that I am so hard on myself and asking why, kind of startled me and made me realize that this has been a life-long thing with me. And as I said, I try to be positive and am great at comforting other people. So why can’t I comfort myself? I would love to have a 30-minute session with you.“

I got the sense that there was a lot of emotion sitting just under the surface of your email, and it looks like that’s the case.  Losing 8 pounds in 2 weeks is a great achievement, so 3 things re the weight loss thing –

1. How can you take credit for losing 8 pounds in 2 weeks?  That’s a good thing, right?
2. Who set this ‘ideal weight’ of yours?  Where did it come from and is it realistic?  What happens when you get there?
3. The cupcake thing – what was in it for you?  People repeat a pattern of behaviour because they get something out of it.  Apart from the fact that they’re tasty, what are getting from it?

So, the lifelong beating yourself up thing.  Where do you think you learned that?

If the ‘comforting, nurtuting, caring’ you were to sit down and talk with the ‘beating yourself up’ you, what would she have to say?