well lately things have started picking up and i’m starting to hold my ground with my own view of things instead of falling into roles. Although i still regularly notice me blending in with the people by acting more like them, but at least i know i’ll defend my ideas and mindset instead of submitting to someone else’s.

what youre doing is a good thing…you ar pacing and in so doing communicating in a way the other can relate to…

dont strees champ….its a good thing…but so is finding youre own voice.

Im a quiet person who often gets mistaken for someone with no confidence.

 I now use this to my advantage, let the bullies and show off’s expose their lack of knowledge or skill by gobbing off in loud ways or trying to intimidate with a loud voice and posturing…..

as the special boat service say;

“by guile not by strength”

the quiet man , grounded in his peace will venture further than a loud fool. 

I kinda feel happy in knowing that when i’m in those roles i’m pleasing people with agreeing with them, but in return i kind-off scar myself on the inside because it usually isn’t what i wanted to reply. I’ve had plenty of times when i wanted to say something but i just stayed silent knowing it might cause a stir or contradict with someone’s opinion about something.

I’ve been trying to do that of late (like a week or 2 ago), but it seems to be going at such a slow pace, but i’m guessing that’s normal to repair all the damage i did to my confidence?
At first it was pretty hard to break the barrier, and really had to push myself over that line, but i feel that it’s getting a tad bit smoother every time it break the barrier, although i still have enough times that i just keep quiet when i should speak up.

I completely agree with you that it’s better try and crawl back out before hitting the bottom of the pit. And indeed it hasn’t always gone right because i’ve gotten the feeling that i somehow hurt some people’s feelings by not agreeing with them. It feels like hurting them emotionally to me. But on the bright side i did have a few great moments because i spoke up a little more, i just hope i can keep it up.

The point where it becomes a problem is when it limits your value and starts hurting your self-confidence. You become more confident in the roles you play than the person you are.

It’s such an important thing and a very key piece of my coaching method. You gain approval (to some degree) by playing a role that pleases someone else, but it’s a hollow approval as you know it’s not the whole picture, not the whole you.

Take baby steps. Find one place and one role that you feel really doesn’t fit right, and just do one thing differently. Say something that the real you wants to say instead of the want-to-please you wants to say. Open up a part of you that you’d normally keep closed. Ask a question you normally wouldn’t ask, but that the real Lorenzo is genuinely curious about.

It might not always go “right”, but isn’t it better to screw up occasionally than to go another year, 2 years or 5 years getting more and more frustrated with yourself and less and less confident?

Interesting points and another great read through.

I think that I’m most scared of people not liking me the way i really am. There are moments, like when i’m among my best friends, that i feel relaxed and safe enough to release the role-playing and just be me for once. But when i’m among the ‘normal friends’ (lack of a better word :p), like for instance my class at school, i tend to start to take on roles with the people i’m talking to. I know for instance that person A is a hippy-like person, so i adapt myself to the point that i share their point of view on life and sometimes i even start taking over their way of acting in some sense: like if the person is a calm and at ease person i’ll talk very relaxed and more chill like (but still my head’s racing like a madman). But then person A leaves and Person B, who has a more grim view of the world arrives on the scene, and i start agreeing with his/her way of thinking even if it sometimes contradicts with how i acted with the previous person. And when A and B are talking to me at the same time i just shut tight and become very silent. And then next to all these almost “fixed” roles i still have my on view on the world, my own way of thinking, my own way of living, but that just gets suppressed 95% of the time, just because i don’t want people hating me for just being me.

I’m also scared that, if i do manage to release this habit of falling into roles, that a lot of relationships will change. And i know it’s my own damned fault because i started those roles in the first place, and now i’m to scared to change back into the real me. I tried being just me when 1.5 years ago i changed schools. I thought: “hey, a new possibility and chance to finally be me, instead of acting in roles.”. And what did i do? I screwed up that chance and reverted back to my roles. I was just to scared that they wouldn’t like the real me and i still am after ‘knowing’ them for 1.5 years.
But if i somehow finally manage to get over that, my next fear is just my relationships with people changing. I’m just to afraid to take that step. I’m standing on the edge of the cliff ready to jump and overcome those fears, but I’m struggling with the final thoughts of fear, that last chance to stop it, and my brain is saying don’t but my hearth says jump. My fears are keeping me from taking (the probably safe) jump towards a better life, just because of the possibility of it going wrong. I just wish there was some way to finally push myself over the edge and take the jump.

Sorry for the long read-trough, but sometimes i just need to vent it all out and i’m happy there are people like you who are willing to help or provide comfort in times of despair.

greets from Belgium
Lorenzo

How do you replace negative feelings with good ones? That’s a really tough question, but I get the sense you just want to bury them and get on with things. Sometimes the confident thing to do is to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling fully, and sometimes that’s the only way to let go. That doesn’t mean you have to follow the pattern of comfort eating you have, one thing doesn’t have to lead to the other, it simply means you’re radically honest with yourself.