I tweeted yesterday how much I’m looking forward to not tweeting about being sick.  Really, it would be funny if it wasn’t so old.

Right now it’s an absolutely stunning day outside and I’d normally be out there making the most of it, but I’m indoors because it hurts to move.  Everything aches, from my eyeballs to my toes.

So the reason for this post is to simply let you know that there won’t be any posts for a week or so, until I get my blogging legs back.  I’ve even cancelled clients, which I hate doing.

Blogging experts say that not posting for a while is like committing blogging suicide, but I have to listen to what my body’s telling me and just rest for a while, and to be honest anything I was to write now wouldn’t be up to scratch.  Part of me is trying to convince myself that I can still write and post, but I’ve decided to continue the theme of making decisions that serve me well and am listening to the part of me that knows better.

I’m off for a nap.  See you soon.

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So I just turned 38.  I’m not normally someone who uses birthdays as a marker to measure progress, but this birthday made me realise something that I’m not very comfortable with.

I’m exactly where I was a year ago. With the added bonus of post viral fatigue.

This is something I’m not happy with.

You see, I’ve been sprinting hard for the last year.  Freelancing, writing, working, coaching, with some playtime in between.  I’ve been pretty non-stop, but despite all of that motion I haven’t moved forwards.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some great people, made some amazing connections, increased my readership and had some fun.  I’m grateful for all of that.  I am.

But I’m still in the same place in life, doing the same things, and there has to be some significant changes in the next year.

I need to stop hiding.  I need to get out there in the world and do what matters to me.

One of my favourite pieces in my Truly Confident Living method is my ‘What the Hell’ exercise, something that Freda Mooncotch reminded me of when she Tweeted recently about all the cool things she was lining up for herself (like passing her motorcycle test and biking across Canada with her sisters – awesome) and finished up by saying to me, ‘My new moto: WHY NOT!‘

I need to say ‘What the hell‘ a lot more.

I need to stop putting 90% of my energy into freelancing, something that earns me good money but doesn’t light me up.  I’ve known that for a while, but haven’t taken positive action about it.  This hit home when my family read some of my blog posts (which was kinda scary and exciting) and were so glowing about my writing that they all chimed in saying that I’m ‘wasted‘ in my freelancing work and how much talent they think I have.  They’re biased of course, but it was refreshing to hear.

I need to cut right back on the booze.  Again, I’ve known this for a while but it was made clearer when a reader emailed me a few days ago saying, “I’m finding a real disconnect between writing about building confidence and your frequent references on Twitter to your drinking bouts.”

If I’m honest, I’ve been using drink as a way to switch off, and that just isn’t serving me well.  That has to stop.

I need to be more generous.  With all the work required in sprinting to stand still, I forgot about generosity.  I’ve become too inward looking and that’s something that does me a disservice.  I know that I step into my potential when I engage with a generous spirit, so I’ll be more free and less cautious with that.

I need to get back to my fiction writing, which I’ve neglected because a. I haven’t had time and b. it’s hard.  This means a lot to me, and I get a huge amount of pleasure from it.  I will get my novel published.

To be honest with you, writing this post, I feel like a bit of a fraud.  I’m supposed to be all over this stuff, right?  I’m supposed to be on top of my game; an example.

Just goes to show how easy it is to forget what’s important and to get sidetracked.  It’s so easy to keep yourself busy and look into the lives of others, but not take the time to look into your own life.

What I do know is that I have the tools to change things, and I’m not afraid of a bit of brutal honesty.  Confidence is being able to make choices that serve you well; choices that honour what’s important to you.  I know about this stuff.

What I need to do is put what I know into practice and get into a new, bigger, better game. I’ll be doing some real work on all of this and I’m about to sign on with a new coach so that I’m fully accountable.

You can help too, if you’re willing.  I want you to hold me to things – hold me to everything I’ve said here and call me on it if you see me not doing something.

A scene from the old TV show Fame just popped into my head.  Curly haired piano playing genius Bruno Martelli had been approached to write some jingles for a TV ad, and he’s not sure whether he should compromise on his vision for his music or go ahead and make a quick buck doing some easy work.

He plays a piece of classical music for his teacher and mentor, Mr Shorofsky, that amply demonstrates his talent and passion.  When he finishes playing, Mr Shorofsky pauses, then says,

“Very good, Mr. Martelli. But you can do better, and you know it.”

Bruno cancels the jingle work without another thought.

I can do better.  I know it.  Things WILL change.

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People seem to think that if they’re scared or fearful of something that it means they’re not confident.

Nonsense.

Confidence and fear actually get on like a house on fire, and one without the other is a flawed experience.

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The over-confident, autocratic leader of old is a dying species.

And not before time.

Only a fool would admit to knowing exactly what’s going to happen in the business world these days, and business leaders who routinely gave the impression that everything was fine and that they knew exactly what they were doing are finding themselves increasingly obsolete.

Over-confidence is dangerous, something that’s been demonstrated in board rooms across the world in the last few months.  Don Moore, an associate professor at Carnegie Mellon’s Tepper School of Business hits the nail on the head when he says, “Overconfident businesspeople routinely delude themselves.”  And he’s very clever, so he should know.

The likes of Jack Welch of GE, Howell Raines and Arthur Sulzberger of the New York Times and Bob Diamond of Barclays Capital (who a friend of mine described to me as a ‘psychotic American lunatic‘) have either gone already, or are finding they need to seriously update their approach or risk everything.

I certainly wouldn’t want to work for an autocratic leader.  I wouldn’t trust them as far as I could throw their dogma.

“You do not lead by hitting people over the head – that’s assault, not leadership.” —Dwight D. Eisenhower

But finding the right balance of confidence as a leader is tough.  Over-confidence is certain to ensure you lose your way and that your people lose trust in you.  The same happens with under-confidence – checking in with your team every hour to see if you’re doing things right will annoy even the keenest team member.

So there’s a balance to be struck, and (at first, at least) it takes constant course-correction to maintain that balance.

That doesn’t mean that a leader has to second guess themselves or constantly check which side of the confidence line they’re on.  I’m of the opinion that it’s both fine and useful for a leader to show they’re not wholly confident sometimes.

It’s fine to admit you don’t know the answer.  It’s useful to ask for suggestions.  It’s both fine and useful to lead on a basis of inclusion.

I’ve been around people in leadership roles who’ve admitted they didn’t’ know the answer, and it made me respect them more and want to help more.  I believe it takes more natural confidence to say that you don’t know than it does to make up some crap and tell people to get to it.

It demonstrates the value of inclusion and relationships over hierarchy and reputation.

As a leader, once you’ve figured out a direction or a strategy you need to be ready to make the decision, but the method to get to that point is through relationships, not through old-style leadership.

Stephen Graves and Thomas Addington have some interesting insights in their book ‘Clout‘ (although the more religious content isn’t my bag), particularly when they point out how important influence is in leadership.  “Leadership is the surface, influence is the current,” they say.  And they’re both very clever, so they should know.

“Leadership is public; influence is often behind-the-scenes” they go on to say, and this is a key point.

The old style leaders amassed power and glory as figureheads and symbols of strength.  There were public displays of leadership and authority (board meetings, company briefings, official memo’s, etc.) to imprint the perception of confidence.  They’d sit in their ivory towers casting decisions down through the organisation, expecting people to fall in line.  All very animal-kingdom-y don’t you think?

The new leaders amass respect by wanting to do great work and by forging strong relationships.  They use their personal influence to get things done, can artfully manage consensus and might even shy away from being in the spotlight.  New leaders leverage natural confidence and positive influence to move mountains.

I know which one I’d rather work for.

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A thought occurred to me.  Just why would someone want to be more confident anyway?

What’s so great about it that would make someone get off their butt and do something?

Here I am, prattling on about how great true confidence is, but if nobody feels like they want to be more confident then I’m talking to an empty room.

Here’s my thinking…

Let me know what you think – leave your ‘What’ in the comment section.

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I’ll be honest with you, I haven’t slept around half as much as other guys my age.

I love to flirt, but I’ve never been one of those guys who’s gone to a bar, picked up a girl and taken her back to my place to make the beast with 2 backs.  Maybe my use of the phrase ‘beast with 2 backs‘ has something to do with that.

Truth is, I’m just not comfortable pursuing sex for the sake of having sex.  That’s just not who I am, but there are single guys out there who are sexually ubiquitous and predatorial.  Bed-hopping, skirt chasing, alpha-males.

I look at guys like that and while there’s a little part of me that wonders if they’re trying to avoid something or whether there’s any real depth, there’s another part that applauds their lasse-faire attitude and yet another that would secretly love to get that much action.

And here’s the double standard.

These guys are out there having fun and are regarded as ’studs’.  If a woman does the same thing, you can bet that the word ’slut’ will be used.

I’m sorry to say I’ve been guilty of this double-standard myself, but have recently changed my thinking on it.  For me the question is this – when you’re a confident, single woman who’s sexually active, at what point does your behaviour turn you into a ’slut’?

Penelope Trunk recently told her blog readers about a younger guy she was sleeping with, and looking at the comments the opinions vary between ‘incredible‘, ‘hear, hear‘, ‘intelligent and candid‘ to ‘selfish whore‘, ‘emotionally damaged‘ and ‘crazy‘.

I don’t know Penelope well enough to know her motivations, but I do know that she’s a smart cookie who has the right to have sex with whoever she wants.

And that’s the point here.  When a single guy with no relationship goes out and gets regular sex it’s accepted, respected, and even applauded(H&L).  When a woman in the same situation goes out and gets regular sex it attracts controversy and widely differing opinions.

While I think it’s perfectly okay for a confident woman to get slutty, that same woman doesn’t want to be a slut.  There’s a big difference.

Of course, the word ’slut’ is only applied to a woman by other people.  It’s a label intended to hurt that an individual attaches to a woman based on a perceived pattern of behaviour, and as that perception is based on their own values and experience it can’t fully appreciate the personal context.

That in itself renders the term somewhat moot, as it’s based purely on personal dogma, but for me the truth of the matter is this.

If a confident woman sleeps with a guy in order to validate herself (as a woman, as a success, as an equal player or even as ‘confident’) then she’s crossed a line.

Trading sex for validation clearly indicates that something’s up, and that’s where other people can make the slut-judgement.

Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a slut, but it does mean that she’s pursuing sex for all the wrong reasons and developing a link between sex and self-validation.  That’s not healthy, in anyone’s book.

For most people sex is just sex – but it’s easy to end up with a tangled knot of feelings and expectations around it.  If you think sex will validate you as a woman, think again.  If you think sex will lead to a deep relationship, think again.  If you think that having sex will get you the guy, think again.  If you think that sex will bring you love, think again.

True confidence is being clear and honest about your motivations and making your decisions, no matter how impulsive or seemingly crazy, from that place of self-awareness.

Know who you are and what you’re comfortable with, then live it.

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So here it is, my first video blog. Watch in wonder as I move and talk in perfect harmony, while giving you some confidence building tips.

I’ve boiled down a bunch of what I’ve learned about confidence to give you a simple, 5 step process for being more confident. This is as simple and effective as it gets. Let me know what you think.

Note: You see those grey hairs? They were put there individually in post production – those are all CGI grey hairs. The same guys worked on this that put the armies of orc’s into Lord of the Rings. Very cool.

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“I’ve been struggling with one of my managers since my first day on the job.”

In high school and college I used to feel like I had a lot of confidence in myself and my abilities. But somehow I feel like this job has just stripped me of it over the past year. I’ve become quite, timid and no longer voice my opinion, etc. because this manager is so condescending and micro-manages everything. She talks down to me and my self-worth has really taken a beating from it.

I talked with her superior a few months ago, and things got better only temporarily. I’d love to get a new job, but a recession is definitely a hard time to do that and I feel stuck with having to make due for a bit until things pick up. If so, I need to figure out how to survive here. “  – C in Georgia

I hate it when I hear about situations like yours C, because it means there are still so many ‘managers’ out there who have no clue how to manage.  Just imagine how different things would be across the world if every one of those managers was either taught how to get the best from people or if they were replaced with someone who really ‘gets it’.

Anyway, me ranting about that won’t help you right now.  A couple of thoughts for you:

1. Don’t forget how you used to feel.  That confidence is still there, you’ve simply learned a pattern of behaviour where you don’t exhibit it because you’re not seeing the results or getting the feedback you’d expect.  Look at where you do feel that confidence today and how it feels – you have to keep that close to you and keep connected to it.

The fact that your manager talks down to you and makes you feel small, doesn’t mean that you are small.

Not one bit.  A lot of managers are scared silly (particularly in today’s climate), and they use strategies like condescension and micro-managing as a way of maintaining control and status.  That doesn’t make it the ‘truth’, it just makes it something that happens near you.

2. Yes, a recession is a tough time to find work, but that doesn’t mean it’s not out there.  You don’t say what it is you do, but it does absolutely no harm to start looking.

The best way to get a job these days is through people you know, not through ads in the paper or even job boards.

I think LinkedIn is a great tool for doing that, and I’ve got roles from it just by connecting with people and having people find me there.  You can use LinkedIn to research people in your field, to reach out to HR people in the organisations you’d love to get into and it also has job postings that never make it onto job boards.  The reason it works is that it’s a network based on trust and recommendation – and that’s worth its weight in gold.

But don’t forget the power of connecting with people offline too.  Who are 10 people you can have an interesting conversation with about your next move?  How else can you research what’s out there?

There are opportunities out there, so catch yourself when you say you’re stuck.  It might feel like that sometimes, but I guarantee you always have choices.

3. Okay, now it gets tricker.  Can you talk directly with your line manager?  A managers job is to create an environment where their staff can do great work – and you’re entitled to flag up where that could happen better.

Don’t criticise, simply state what would allow you to do better work, and give evidence of your work to support your position.  “How I’d love to do this is…“, “I fully understand that you want to get the right result, I really need to do it like this and I’ll keep you in the loop all the way.”

Don’t try to squeeze this conversation in as you pass each other in the corridor, grab lunch together or go for a coffee, sit down and talk like adults.  You always have recourse to go back to their manager if it comes to that.

If it comes right down to it and there’s nowhere else for you to turn, you owe it to yourself to get outa there.

You don’t have to tolerate bad management, and you have to put your own wellbeing first.

You know, the chances are that a move will help your career too.

4. One last thought for you.  I’ve found that it becomes more stressful and more damaging when I resist what I’m doing.  All the time I struggle and fight it, it hurts.  When I make a deliberate choice to throw myself in and do my best work, it becomes so much easier.

Look for the parts you’re resisting and make a choice to engage.

That doesn’t mean you have to forget about what you want to see happen or that you have to put off a job search, it just means you’re making your experience more fun and more valuable while you’re there.

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It looks like my relationship with Uma isn’t going to happen after all.  Damn it.

I really thought we could have had something special.

So having that particular fantasy of mine quashed, I’m left with an uncomfortable reality.  I’m still single.

I say ‘uncomfortable’, for the simple reason that I’d actually like to have someone around to share stuff with.  You know, a girlfriend.  The uncomfortable part is knowing there’s something I want, something that matters to me, that I don’t have.

Even more uncomfortable is knowing that I can’t completely control it.  I could go out this afternoon, slip some Rohypnol into a pretty girls’ cup of coffee, take her back to mine, dress her up as Uma and tell her that she’s my wife now, but unless she wanted to play along I don’t think there would be much of a future in it.

So I can’t just decide to head out this afternoon and find myself a girlfriend, because 50% of that is down to someone else.  To move from being single to being in a relationship there’s a gap to cross – I need to move from where I am now to where I want to be.

That takes 2 things – a shift in behaviour and some time.

To get something I don’t have right now I have to do something I’m not doing right now.

And that’s the thorny bit.  You see, I’m a little too comfortable in my singleness.  I have a carefully balanced life where my coaching, my writing and my freelancing take up pretty much all my time, and my down-time between those things is extremely important to me.

The other day I joked with a friend that the only ‘free’ time I have is between 3pm and 6pm on Sundays.  I caught up with this friend between 3pm and 6pm last Sunday.

So where’s the room for dating?  Well, there isn’t any.

So I’m faced with a question – what happens when there’s no room for what matters?  I don’t know the answer to that, I honestly don’t.

I need to give space to coaching, writing and freelancing if I’m to build a business that matters to me and keep a roof over my head, so I can’t see that I’ll be able to drop something to give me more time.  And with my post-viral thing continuing, my down-time needs to be just that – down-time.

So while some socialising is fine, I have to be careful about when I head out to bars, restaurants or social events, because burning the candle at both ends doesn’t work for me physically.

Which still leaves me with a problem to solve.  As I can’t find an answer to the problem I’m going to do something else instead – I’m going to let myself off the hook.  I’m not going to beat myself up because I don’t have answer, and instead I’m going to shift my attitude.

This shift in attitude is one that I need to make for my own sanity and for my own self-confidence.

I haven’t been willing to cross that gap I mentioned because of a perception that it would throw my balance off or send my health plummeting – and while both of those things are entirely possible I think at the centre of it is fear.

And behind all of that, if I’m honest, is your good, ol’ fashioned fear of rejection.

All of that means that I’ve been emotionally closed to dating and haven’t made a dent on closing that gap.

Real confidence means that you can let go, and I haven’t done that with dating because I was clouded with fears about rejection, my health and the balance I have.

I haven’t trusted myself to deal with things in my romantic life and the impact they could have on other parts of my life, and as my dating muscles haven’t been exercised for a good while my confidence in that area has been hit.

I’ve continued to flirt like a trouper (I could win awards for flirting) because I know that it’s is a safe route, free from any risky decisions, and that it makes me believe I’m doing something constructive.

Instead, no matter whether it ends in marriage or in a tear-soaked pillow, I have to lighten the hell up and trust that I can make more active choices about dating and still be just fine.  I know that’s true, so now I have to shift my attitude accordingly.

It’s about being open to the possibility, to the potential for something unexpected to happen.

I think that confidence and self-trust is vital in dating, because it’s that very thing that means you’ll be willing to go for it, simply because there’s potential for something amazing to happen.

What do you think?

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Next up in my series of confidence interviews is the indefatigable Tim Brownson.

A fellow coach and a Brit living in the sunshine state (I’m not jealous at all), I’ve been reading Tim’s stuff and talking nonsense with him online for a while now.  He’s alright in my book.

Tim always has something interesting (or funny) to say, so I wanted to get his views about confidence and poke my nose into his experience of it.  I think it’s a great interview and I could have chatted to him for hours (next time you’re over I’ll buy you a beer Tim).

Listen in and let me know what you think.

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About Tim
Tim Brownson is an English Certified Life Coaching living in Orlando, Florida.

His blog, The Discomfort Zone, is a rather left field approach to self development and one that should not be taken lightly. You have been warned.

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